Why try?
Maybe
Homer's right -- so why do I keep trying to win this battle? And how
do i forgive myself for continually failing? I think that's why I quit
blogging sometimes. I don't know what to say when things aren't going
well. When I feel like a failure I don't want to 'put that out there' -
I don't think people want to read about failure. I don't want to BE a
failure. But I follow other blogs - even from very successful losers
who've dropped a hundred pounds already and they still struggle. This
battle will continue as long as I fight it. Maybe I should stop
fighting and start LIVING.
Hubby said I should throw away the scale. He hates that the number I see
there each morning affects how I feel about myself. He loves me as I
am, thinks I'm perfect, and that I should focus on eating healthy and
working out in and of itself, not as a means to achieve a specific
weight. I'll be healthier and happier. He's probably right. How do I do
that though?
I feel like I focus on food SO MUCH and I'm tired of it. That's whether
I'm bingeing or eating healthy. If I'm off plan I'm planning my next
pig-out, where to have it, what to have, where to hide the evidence. If
I'm eating healthy I'm planning every morsel I put in my mouth, counting
the calories, keeping an eye on the carbs, etc. I can't ever just be
like normal people who just eat what they want when they want and stay
healthy. Because they don't want to eat abnormally. They don't want to
binge. They don't continue to eat even if they feel full, or sick from
all the crap they've already ingested. I don't know what it's like to
never have to worry about that.
People keep telling me they can see a difference, that I'm losing
weight. WTF. I know that's not true, the scale reminds me every morning.
Still I suppose the exercise is toning me up some and that's probably
what they see. It doesn't matter. I just need to find a way to cope with
living life every day in the PRESENT. I gotta live now. And really
LIVE, not obsess over food and exercise routines. Live as healthy as I
can as often as I can and love myself in the process - just as I am.
That's really all any of us can do.
Hubby is helping. One of the struggles has been finding the time to
make healthy meals when I have to work all day and workout after that.
I'm a little bit scared, but he's offered to cook for me this week.
What have I gotten myself into!? LOL Wish me luck.
