I shouldn't have had that

Hubby wanted to have more 'together' meals this week, and while he's usually happy eat a few vegan meals during the week, he still wants a few old favorites as well.  We used to make chicken quesadillas, and he wanted to have it again.  I said no problem -- make yours with chicken, cheese and sour cream.  I'll get some vegetarian chicken-style roast, vegan cheese slices and vegan cream cheese (which can be stirred or thinned to resemble sour cream).  Sounded like a fun, though not healthy, meal option, and one we could make together.  Yeah I know -- not eve close to healthy, but It really did taste good and it felt good to sit down to an old favorite with hubby.  So imagine my surprise when I had to stop eating!  I mean I ate half the quesadilla and just had to stop.  As I said, I suffered no delusions that it was healthy, but I didn't think it would actually make me feel sick.  I really want to share meals with him as much as possible, but high-fat just doesn't work for me any more.  Initially when I stopped eating animal products I relied a lot on these faux meat and dairy products.  But I know they're bad for me, so I don't use them often.  I'd have been better off making veggie chili -- which I can eat as is, and he can dump cheese and sour cream in.  With summer coming, I really need to come up with quick, easy, healthy and tasty vegan options.  It definitely isn't worth feeling like this to go back to 'old favorites' again -- there's nothing favorite about this feeling.

I was reading blogs yesterday and one author talked about having to say goodbye to her favorite foods forever.  At first I thought, 'more power to you, but it's unlikely you'll give them up forever -- even if it's just special occasions, you'll likely have that food again at some point.'  I never thought I had the willpower to deny myself something I loved FOREVER -- I always blamed myself when I gave in to eating those foods again thinking I was just plain weak.  But I switched to a plant-based diet in Feb 2007.  Now when I think I'm powerless to resist something, I can remind myself that I no longer eat a lot of things I grew up -- things I truly enjoyed all my life. I have avoided animal products for over 3-1/2 years now, so clearly I'm not weak. I think that proves I CAN make lasting changes.  I just need to figure out why I sabotage my weight loss efforts.

A vegan diet isn't enough, plenty of unhealthy foods are vegan.  I still have to make healthy choices every day.  I'm struggling with that these days.  I manage OK for days, weeks, sometimes months at a time.  Then something, usually a plateau, hits hard and it feels like I'm doing it all for nothing.  That's when I give up.  This time it was my recent shoulder surgery and the struggles of healing in the weeks after.  There will always be something life throws at you.  Work will suck, you'll have a fight with your partner, or some family member will do something really stupid that leaves them in prison for several years and leaves me with anxiety attacks.  You have no control over that.  That's life.

Right now I just want to get past this healing time -- I want my shoulder working again so I can do other forms of exercise besides walking.  I really would love to get a personal trainer in the new year -- maybe by then my shoulder will be ready.  I actually consulted with one already and he said to wait until my shoulder is healed and any physic is over before starting.  So for now, the goal is healing, and finding healthy, delicious summer meals I can share with my omni hubby.  I can do it.  I've come this far.  I've made lasting changes in my diet already.  Now I just need to fine tune it.