It's much bigger than that
Was I being too hard on myself in that last post? True, one dish of
soy ice cream with cookie pieces is not the end of the world. But
that's just it, it wasn't just one dish -- that's what I'd just
finished eating at the time I wrote that post -- that's what was making
me feel physically sick at that moment. But that was the latest in a
string of bad choices that make me fear I'm slipping back into old
habits. That's why I don't know who I am. I don't know why I keep
doing it. My life is stressful, sure -- everyone's is. But nothing
specific has happened recently that I can point to as the culprit. I
don't know why I sabotage myself. I ate a cookie that had fallen on
the floor the other night! I never do that! But I wanted that damned
cookie so I brushed it off and ate it. Who does that?!
I've been reading The Four Day Win
lately by Martha Beck. You do a series of exercises designed to change
the way you think about food - and get your body to cooperate with your
mind in the weight loss struggle. I haven't always found it easy -
things like three times a day for the next four days stop and think
about how you feel physically, and emotionally, and then rate your
hunger on a scale of 1-10. I barely remember to do that throughout my
day cuz there is so much going on, but when I do I find myself sitting
there thinking -- I don't know, how do I feel? Tired? Anxious - that
one comes up now and then. Sluggish. Did I mention tired? It's hard
to say how I feel, I really don't know.
Another exercise I did yesterday was to write some questions on one
side of the page with your dominant hand (supposedly your mind
speaking) and then answer with your non-dominant hand (your body /
inner creature /prey animal side). It's hard to explain, you'd have to
read that chapter. Anyway, you just let your non-dominant hand write
freely and don't try to censor or edit anything. That's not easy, by
the way. Not the censoring part -- I mean just writing with the wrong
hand! It's difficult for long periods.
So anyway, in the spirit of journaling about my weight struggles -- I
may as well share what I wrote. It surprised me a bit, I guess. I'm
right-handed, so I'll put the left-hand responses in italic. The third
question was suggested by the author.
-------
Hi, how are you doing?
Not so good, why do you care?
I care very much and I want to learn to support you and make you happy.
You don't know how to make me happy. You don't know what I want.
Can you tell me? What can I do to help you feel so good you won't want to eat?
I don't know. Singing makes me feel
good. Being clever. Knowing others think I'm smart. Want people to like
me. Want YOU to like me. Want you to love me, but you don't.
I do like you! I love you! You're me, I love myself.
No, you love who you wish I was and
you hate me because I'm not who you wish I was. I'm fat and ugly and
stupid about so many things that I'd rather sit back and say nothing
than join a conversation and appear stupid. Unless it's in the area of
things I'm good at, like work. I'm so scared to lose that 'guru' status
that I don't like training others to do the stuff I'm good at. Love me
for what I AM - then maybe others will too. Or maybe having your love I
might not need others acceptance so much that it won't matter what they
think so I'll speak my mind with confidence and take better care of
myself.
OK so how do I do that? How do I love you for who you are? What do I say or do to show it?
Believe I'm as good as anyone else.
Believe I'm smart and that others like me and care what I think.
Visualize and meditate and talk to me. Ask yourself always what would
be the most loving thing to do or say to me -- then do or say it. Act
as if. If you don't know what to do or say, pretend you do. Then do it.
So that was my conversation yesterday. Interesting.