WTF
I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize the person
looking back from the mirror. She makes me sick. Literally. I sit here
having just devoured a dish of soy ice cream topped with cookie pieces,
and I literally do feel sick cuz I'm not used to that kind of crap
anymore.
A year ago this time I was motivated, walking an hour or more every
day, eating right, and dropping weight. Like a dozen times before, I
get started so well, drop a bunch of weight, level out for a while then
gain it all back only to start the whole process over again. And
again. I shudder to think of how many pounds I've gained and lost over
the last eight years or so? Oh, I've been dieting most of my life
actually, but for the last 8 or so years I've been consciously
struggling to get the weight off for good. Got to just below 200
pounds a few years back. Then I yo-yoed between 200 and 250, up and
down, over and over -- I'm so sick of this cycle. I just keep battling
the same 50 pounds over and over, and for what? BEAT this demon and
move on!
WTF, seriously -- I know, I have PCOS, it makes it harder to lose
weight, oh and being vegetarian makes it hard to keep the carbs to 60%,
I'm usually closer to 70% myself, so there's that. What are my
options? Give up, gain it all and hit or even surpass 300 pounds one
day? Cuz I was there once. I once saw 296 pounds on the scale -- so
yeah, good for me getting that first 50 pounds off, but I've spent the
last 8 years or so struggling with the next 50, losing and regaining it
over and over again. Why can't I get past that point? Why can't I
break the cycle for good? And why am I sabotaging myself yet again by
eating garbage I thought I'd given up long ago? Is there really any
sense in starting another cycle? But if I give up the fight, won't I
just be back at 296 in no time?