If you wanna know more

www.youtube.com/watch?v XrgW48b6nWc

he does wear some dubious clothing!

A-TISHOO

Bless me!! i cant stop sneezing this morning. Oh good morning

Wouldnt be like me to come down with a cold 2 days before I go away. So, how are you all? Keeping well I hope.  What;'s new in angell-land?

WEll , for a first, i got waxed last night. for the first time. legs, underarms, the heap. and you know what? It wasnt that bad. In fact, my beautician was that bloody good that i didnt even notice she had my lower legs done cause she had me laughing that much. So, here i am, hair free and silky smooth and all ready to start my holidays on friday. I cant wait,. Sun, sea, sand and....( sangria you naughty people). And my new bikini

YUp girlies, i gone done it and bought a bikini. Turquoise blue, its more like a tankini i guess but definitly more revealing than anything i have ever worn. My poor belly is gonna see the sun for the first time since i was about 6!!!! (i had no shame as a child and would be lucky if i even wore knickers, never mind clothes) EEP!!!!! i shall probably spend most of my time pulling my bikini about me trying to cover up. Ah well, here is to a new body confident me.

I also had a facial yesterday too so am glowing from top to toe and then after my holiday I shall come back and get my hair cut and coloured and my nails done. Why all the bother i hear you cry? Well, i dont know about you, but how i feel about myself often dictates my physical appearance.

On good days i get up shower, do my hair and make up, wear nice clothes, nice shoes and prance about with a smile on my face. ON bad days however, the makeup and nice clothes go only to be replaced by lank saggy clothing, a pale grey complexion, lank hair scraped back into a bun. And these dark days are more often than not. When i feel like shit, i might as well look like shit right? Why bother wearing nice clothes and looking nice when i'm a fat blob who feels like crap? I just want to curl up in the corner, in my greyest pyjamas  tucked up with a huge bag of doritos and watch soppy movies that make me cry. Because i need that release, the tears, but i dont want to do it myself.God know, that would be admitting something is wrong, Its much easier to blame a film.

So there i was, 4 weeks ago. A fat dorito stuffing tear stained grey blob with unruly hair, spots the size of mt vesuvius and skin the colour of ash. As low as i figured i could go. I didnt want to get up i didnt want to go out i didnt want to see anyone. I thanked the heavens i work mainly on my own because i didnt have to make an effort with my apperance. I just wanted to eat and get fat and grey and lonely. What has changed in 4 weeks?

My attitude! I am a very logical person and dont go on faith. For me to believe, it has to be proved. So, fat grey blob slams pudgy fingers on kverworked keyboard. I research the WW site, i research loads of different sites. And the more i researched the more i found about diet and excercise and blah blah blah. Then i came across a youtube video of this bloke called Adam. Who transformed his body from a fat guy to someone with a ripped torso and looking really fit (pink spandex though is never a good look!). And i was like yeah right mate, you done all that without the help of drugs. So i had a nosy around his site and he was making big promises about his secret. Here comes the request for cash i thought. Nope, one free download later, his big secret is PMA. Positive Mental Attitude. He believes that the reason his first attempt was unsuccessful and his second attempt was so successful was down to his attitude towards himself and his body and his attempt to change his lifestyle. He believes in being accountable for yourself, recording a daily blog, and facing up to the fact that on-one in the world can make you do this. no-one, no matter how supportive, kind, well meaing...can help you do this. You have to change your attitude. And that is a big ask. Ask yourself, how many times to you hate yourself for eating the wrong food, not doing enough excercise, the highs and the lows that cause an emotional rollercoaster. Its wearing and tiring and we all do it. EVery day, on this site, people apologise for eating. For being bad. for eating the wrong foods. for not doing enough exercise. For putting on a pound or two,. It affects our moods for the rest of the day. it affects our moods for the rest of the week.

So i made a promise to myself. I was going to change my attitude about me. I was going to force myself to make an effort - hence the wax, the hairdo, the nails. But also force myself to wake up every morning with a smile. Most mornings it works,. Some it doesnt ( bloody mondays). I'm not going to chide myself when i break "the rules". I am going to look after my body by doing more exercise and eating healthily. BUT, if i have a day where i eat cake, have chocolate, dont exercise as much as i should , I AM NOT GOING TO FEEL GUILTY!!. I am still going to love myself. I'm going to enjoy myself. And i am going to be held accountable for that happens to my body.

And it must work. I set myself a challenge of losing 3lb by This coming friday. To date, I have lost 6lb. And i have had cake. And i have not exercised. . I have slipped off the slidy road we call diet and slipped back on to it. And i still love me for it.

Have a good day. Love yourself. Like yourself. Stop seeing food and exercise as an enemy or addiction. Its a fuel. Its necessary. Its enjoyable - all in the right frame of mind

Angell

xx

Fresh

Good morning campers!

Yup today is gonna be a good day. Me and the OH got things sorted last night, mostly. Still mad at him. But its water under the bridge. Still havent found out who the flowers are from, which i kinda like. Makes me feel.....speciial for want of a better word.

On the "healthy exercide regime" front, things are back on track and raring to go. Last night i had delicious chicken, bacon and onion kebabs, marinated in every spice jar in my cupboards (i'm hopeless when it comes to thinking up new sauces, marinades etc, i tend to just chuck everything in and hope for the best), crushed garlic new potatoes, corn on the cob (with no butter!!!!!!!!!) and loads of green veg. Me and my mate went for a walk with the mutt and walked a total of 5 mile. Which we didnt even realise cause we were gossiping that much.

Whilst we were chatting, we got talking about weight loss and keeping fit etc. She is ex-army so she used to be fit as a fiddle. But since she left the army, and got married, she says she has noticed herself getting bigger. What she told me next shocked the hell out of me. Her husband (idiot! this is one of the many reasons why i dont like him) told her she was getting fat (fair enough, as i have stated in earlier posts, we do need to be told) and that he no longer fancied her  because she had let herself go and was eating too much! And this explains why they havent had any "marital relations" in months. Now, i'm all for encouraging your partner to lose weight, get fit, change whatever they dont like about themselves. But i am not for brow beating someone into being the person you want them to be, rather than they want them to be. Her and her hubby have had a lot of problems since they got married, and she, like any normal girl, has turned to comfort eating. And this is her fault??? I dont effing think so. It really angered me. Our respective loved ones are supposed to love us enough to tell us the truth and love us enough to encourage us, not make us feel like shit. I would kill my OH if he ever said i was too fat for him. I was this way when he met me and i'll be damned if i am gonna change for him. This change is for me and for me only!!!!

So we are gonna start running 3 times a week when we get back from our holidays. And cycling. And walking the dog.. And swimming. Phew, i feel tired just typing all that excercise.  But its always more fun exercising with a pal rather than alone (an ipod only counts for so much).

Diet today -

B - Weetabix skimmed milk (i still cant get used to this, i want cream dammit)

L - Weetabix skimmed milk, Tuna and salsa pitta bread ( i have a looooooot of weetabix needs using)

D - Homemade beefburgers, salad and core chips

E - Walking the dog, moving furniture and maybe a spot of Wii action later on

Have a good day whatever you do and remember, this lifestyle change is for you and you only. Dont do it for someone else. Oh and if you have an OH that fully supports you and loves you no matter? Give him an extra squeeze and kiss today because there are some assholes in the world

Angell

xx

and what and end to a horrible day!

so, back to the cake. It was lovely cake. and not as dense as i first though, infact the filling was mostly cherries (chalk one down to the 5 fruit and veg a day). Strangely i don't hate myself. Disappointed yeah, should have known better? yeah definitely. But i dont have that high low hate thing going on which i guess is progress itself...right? my diet today was awful.

Breakfast - cake

Lunch - Cake and a handful of strawberries (portion 2 of my 5 a day). i left my weetabix and healthy stuff in my lunch bag.

Dinner - back on track with chicken, veg and potatoes.

OH and I still arent talking......bloody flowers. Still dont know who they came from. I checked with my mum and dad but it wasnt them and it wasnt any of my friends. I didnt bring them home, left them in work. Dont want to start an argument. I'm just sad that after almost 7 years together , he can accuse me of having an affair because i got a bunch of flowers!! if i was out tarting about every weekend then yeah he might have cause, but he doesnt and i havent. Might do now though....nah maybe not

Still nice suprise to end the day, official WI today. I've lost4lbs. Blimey! that s a shock, especially after the weekend i had. But i know it can take a few days so i have to healthy he next few days and stick to core religiously to even out. In total (since beginning my "healthy eating regime" from this time laster year, admitted more off than on) i've lost 1st 2lbs. and most of that has been in the lat few weeks tis strange to think that potentially, in a week, i can be under 20 st. for the first time in years.

So yes ladies, putting today's drama behind me ( or i might sit on it and squash ot) picking myself up, dusting myself down and crackin on. And who knows, this time tomorrow i may be single!!!!

Adios

Angell

what a start to the week!!!

I hate mondays. Not normally a pessimistic person, more a glass half full kinda gal. But i hate Mondays. Really hate Mondays. Especially Bank Holiday Mondays when everyone is off EXCEPT ME!!!!!

Weekend wasnt bad, went to 2 parties. Party 1 was a birthday party for my best friend's inispid husband. So we all dressed in our finery, went down and hovered for bout 30 mins whilst the delicious aromas of everything bad wafted around my nostrils.It was supposed to be a suprise. But he walked in 30 mins early and i dont know who was more suprised, him or her! But i was good, I had filled up on a big bowl of pasta beforehand and just had some plain salald and water whilst they were all gorging. I did have ONE small baby doughnut and that was it

However, Saturday was another story. Got up, good intentions, walked the dogs till their legs dropped off (not literally all you animal lovers!) had a healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, plenty of water. Went to a party......and was so bored that i had to drink.  and with the drinking came the eating - though i did resist having a chinese and just had a nibble of the OH's rather tasty salted chilli chicken. Felt like crap all day yesterday (nothing to do with the alcohol i swear!).

Anyways on to my crappy Monday - woke up late. with a headache and feeling like i'd gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. Bounced in the shower,e dressed, bounced in the car, headed to work in a daze...and got caught speeding!!! Idiot. That got me mad. Not at him, but at me. For being so stoopid. One £60 fine and 3 penalty points later, head into work to find a huge, mount everst sized slab of chocolate sponge cake with cherries and whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles, perched in front of my computer like some kind of holy grail. Turns out it was Polish Robert's birthday and his wife had lovingly slaved over this calorific cake for hours. And he insisted i had to have a piece. at 8.45am. On a Monday. So i had a little nibble (think mini mouse sized) and stuck the rest in the fridge. Will take home to the OH. If we are still talking.

Which leads me onto my next crappy Monday entry. So here i am, sitting feeling like crap, trying to resist the cake, when in walked a huge bunch of flowers (carried by a florist, not on their own. that would be scary). For me!!!

Lillies and roses and some white stuff i dont the name of. Very pretty. Ack, dear OH i thought, trying to cheer me up. So i puts them in water, phones the OH to say thank you. IT WASNT HIM!!!!! So, we have a huge fight where he basically accuses me of having an affair and asking me where the flowers came from. I dont fecking know!!! So much shouting and hanging up of phones later i'm sitting here, cake in front of me. Teetering on the edge of sanity.

Laters

Angell

1 week today

And i'm on holiday!!!!!!! wohooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Can you tell i'm excited??? just a tad. Yup ladies and gents, tis that time of year again where i go to Espania and frighten the locals with my acres of pasty white flesh and rolls of flab. I've got my new crocs and my suncream (gotta protect my tattoo) and i'm going for a wax on Tuesday *gulp*. Now leg waxes i can handle, but this time i'm going for the bikini line and underarm too. yowsers!! but anyway, i'm sure you dont really need to know about my personal care haha. Though i can't go the gym at the mo, i'm like a bleeding yeti! and the gym instructor is soooo fit. Even though he is ginger. Not that i have anything against gingers,. I dye my own bloody hair ginger! but anyways im rambling.

I've just been checking through my party diary and god i hate the next 6 weeks, I have a birthday party to go to tonight - no drink (empty calories) but my mate is a vegetarian so no healthy snacks for me. No she lives on a diet of chips bread and cheese the cow!. So i shall sit out the back sucking on cigarette after cigarette ( How dare me proclaim to be getting fit and healthy and still smoke!) whilst everyone else gets langered and falls down drunk. I just dont feel that I am at a stage in my "healthy eating regime" (its not a diet!!) to limit myself to one or two low cal alcoholic drinks. A bottle of tequila is more my kinda stylee. Next week i'm on my holiday, though that shouldn't be too bad as my dad's idea of a holiday is dragging me over every mountain in spain. The folks live over there ya see and he is a fitness freak and doesnt like to see one lolling about on a sun lounger looking like an uncooked baguette!

The week after is OH's Bday, though the rate we are going he will be lucky to get so much as a card off me. Pft Men! then his sisters wedding of the century. Move over Coleen and Wayne, Its emma and david's star wedding. I've got my dress hanging in the wardrobe ( a gorgeous black and red netted thing from Monsoon) and i tried it on last night. and it clings to my tummy!!!!! i swear it didnt do that a few weeks ago when i tried it on so nothing but water and a zillion crunches a day from now til then. Or i might buy trinny and susannahs wonder suck me in pants and hope for the best. Then more birthdays n such.

How inconsiderate of people to throw parties that have alcohol and cake and party food when they know i'm on a "healthy eating regime" (almost said the dreaded D word there!). Dont they know that when I cant have nice, calorie laden cream filled cicing covered chocolate sprinkled goodies, that the whole world has to forgo such treats as well??? Didnt they get the memo? I'm sure i sent one! I think i shall become a nun (wrong religion but heh who cares, they need all they can get dont they?) and live in a tiny box with a wooden bed and gruel morning noon and night. That'll teach them. Ok so i might of overdosed on sister act last night and my vision of a nunnery might be a little warped (thanks holywood) but you get the jist!

Anyways I really must go and pretend to some work! i'm all alone in the office and sooooooooooooooooooooooo bored! roll on 3pm so i can bugger off home

Have a good day

Angell

xx

Mmmmmm food glorious food

Mmmmm food glorious food. wait a minute, am i supposed to be saying that? hell yes! Nothing tastes better than good food, except good healthy food! Yup you've guessed it, i'm feeling soo virtuous and enlightened and full.

Today i had

Breakfast - weetabix with skimmed milk (but you already know that cause i told you earlier)

Lunch - jacket potato with chicken, salad , ELF philly and spicy tomato salsa

Dinner - chicken noodle soup, juicy yummy steak, baked beans and potato wedges and heaps of spinach

mmmm talk about satiated. You are probably thinking "Thats a weird diet she is on, she's bloody well eating. and bloody well eating lots". Funny thing this healthy eating, which i noticed today at lunch. usually at work i eat sandwiches out of a packet, or summat hot out of a carton, and  it never looks appealing. Today i took my lunch out of the carton (bg thanks again to the ladies at the petrol station next door for baking a spud just for me), added the salsa and philly on the side and it looked lush! i mean really lush! the colours of the lettuce and tomato and red onion against the pale white potato and the dark red spicy salsa looked divine. And i thought, so that what all those bloody experts are waffling about colours yada yada yada. The same thing again at dinner with the steak and spinach and orange beans.

So i got to thinking (again? i hear you cry), compare the appearance of the dishes mentioned above to ...a mcdonalds. bland soggy bun, limp lettuce, overipe mushy tomato and a grey beef pattie. Or a pizza (and we all love pizza) oily cheese, oily pepperoni,  Or a KFC - chicken so greasy that they give you a wet wipe with your meal!!!! I read somewhere that filling your plate with different colours of fruit and vegetables means you get loads of different vitamins bleh bleh bleh But i think there is something else. Make healthy food look interesting and inviting and you will want to eat it. You'l enjoy eating it. More importantly you'll want to keep eating it I'm not sure i buy into this culture of trying to make good food look like bad food ( vegetarian kebabs where the naan bread is replaced by a huge lettuce leaf anyone?). I woud much rather eat delicious food for the food that it is rather than pretend my salad is a greasy burger.  Of course, i'm no saint. i'm as suceptible to a bar of chocolate as the next person. And yeah, i wouldnt mind a pizza or a burger once in a while. But really, given the choice, even if its been a hectic day and your knackered and cant be arsed, what would you rather have? a grey burger with soggy bread? or a delicious stir fry made in minutes?

Fat girls are funny!!!

Good Morning folks!!! And it is. i've had my weetabix drowned in skimmed milk (white water to you and me), unintentional excercise (chasing the dog around the house trying to get my knickers out of her mouth ) a bit of a gossip with HEAT magazine and some lovely comments on my blog . So first of all a big thanks to you for being so nice and apparently finding me amusing.

Now, i dont mean to sound bigheaded or arrogant or adoration seeking ( i am all 3 but sssshhh no-one will ever know) but i tend to agree,  And i read some more blogs, and laughed and almost cried laughing at some of them (pft the great scale debate, Rach you know who you are) and then it smacked me upside the head like a ten tonn truck.

FAT GIRLS ARE FUNNY!!

Now, obviously i am not refering to any of you as fat (that would go against the social grain) but I most certainly am. So i was thinking... well it beats working for a living... everyone of my friends who is not a stick insect, is very humourous. Why? Because we feel the need to be witty and funny and charming to compensate for our larger build. We can only attract men (or women if that's the case) not by our looks, although some of us larger ladies are bloody stunning, but by our personalities. We have to be more confident, more outgoing, more willing to listen, funnier, adventurous, kind, and be a really great cook (well we would have that skill down after all, according to society all we do is eat!)

So, what will happen when im thin? will i lose my sense of humour? will you find me becoming more and more dull as i lose my personality with the flab? we have all read stories about women changing after losing weight..will i become a crabid old stick insect who doesnt crack a smile and cant take a joke and is so paranoid about the calorific content of food i eat nothing but ice cubes and chew on the arms of my chair for comfort?

So i am off to pretend to do some work, maybe surf the net looking for a big ole chair with the tastiest arms i can find.

Til later, remember, food is not the enemy, our attitude is

Angell

xx

i've found someone to blame!!

At long last, I have found someone to blame for my weight problem.  Driving down to mates house (more about her later) i have to drive through a little village called Glengormley. The road through glengormley is approx 3 miles long ( i realise this means absolutely nothing to those of you who dont live in northern ireland but bear with me, i have a point, promise!)

So there i am cruising down the road, dog in the back seat panting in my ear like some sort of pervert but with better breath, OH;s sunglasses on and looking cool, when i drive past 2 very large women walking out of a chinese , bags laden with delicious food, dressed in some kind of spandex/legging combo. Hmm i think to myself, these women are obviously out walking to get fit and have succumbed to the wonderful aromas of the chinese. I then realised that in the 3 mile stretch of road i just drove through i passed:-

• 5 chinese take aways
• 2 chinese restaurants
• 2 indian restaurants
• a mcdonalds
• a kfc
• 4 pizza restaurants
• 2 steakhouses
• 3 kebab shops
• a rather skinny blonde wearing the kind of skimpy jogging wear that would simply disappear in my flab
• 4 chippies ( fish and chip restaurants for those not from the uk)
• 1 greengrocer
• 1 butcher
• 1 tesco (huge conglomerate supermarket whom i have issues with)

Then i realised, I BLOODY WELL GREW UP IN GLENGORMLEY. And it hasnt changed that much.in terms of restaurants. So, it is not my fault i'm fat. Its the town planners, for letting all these restaurants open in such a small area. So i shall compose a letter, i might even sue them!! or i might wait outside their offices and pelt them with rotten fruit. Bring back the stocks, call the newspapers, get the town crier to wander the streets yelling "BASTARDS. YOU'RE MAKING US FAT" then douse with lard.

On a serious note though, is it any wonder our nation is getting fatter by the day. These foods, that for so long were treats are now common place and everyday. Think about it, how many times would you visit a take away because you couldn't be bothered cooking, or had nothing in the house you fancied or hadnt been arsed buying groceries. I know that i would have had a take out at least once a week, but more likely twice or even three times. Convenience is the excuse we use, but really, it's just laziness!

Anyway, rant over, i'm now off for a rather lovely bubble bath and a glass of water

Angell

xx

Can't be arsed

Working. I am sitting my office, alone, and do not have the inclination to do any work. So i have spent all morning surfing the WW site and here and various other sites regarding diet and excercise. I can feel myself becoming addicted to food and diet. I cant become addicted, i dont want to be one of those people who's lives are ruled by what they do or do not eat. I just want to be healthy.

On the plus side, those lovely ladies at the petrol station next door have made me a lovely fruit platter with strawberries, pineapple, melon and blueberries. They have also promised to faithfully slap me should i hover over the chocolate section too long. in addition, they told me they can already see the results of my healthy eating (note i did not say diet!) and excercise regime ( I have been doing it now for about 4 weeks, i just joined EP yesterday) which has put a huge smile on my face and upped my motivation and determination. Which has got me thinking (uh-oh i feel a carrie from SATC moment coming on)

What do we hope to gain from weight loss?

Do we wish to be happy in ourselves? or do we wish to alter the perceptions of those around us? Does the answer to this question ultiamtly decide whether we are successful or not? So, I ask all you guys and gals out there the same. What do you hope to gain from your weight loss?

Me? I want to be fit and healthy and do all the things I cannot currently do at my present weight, i.e Kitesurf. Go skydiving, swim with the great whites in africa (please, if i got into the ocean at present in a wetsuit, the sharks would think oooh what a juicy great big whale for lunch). But I also want men to find me attractive, women to envy my physique, to walk into a pub or club and not be heckled by strangers who think that they have a right to pass comment on me because "i'm a big girl" And i never want to hear those words again. "Your a big girl" words that have haunted me since primary school, partly on account of my height and partly on account of my weight. My height I can do nothing about (short of sawing off my kneecaps. Anyone good for a few extra inches??) but my weight, I can. I want to walk into any high street shop and buy any outfit I like without being relegated to a special section, or even a dedicated store. And, I want any future children i may have to grow up fit and healthy. how can they eat well and enjoy excercise if their mothere cant.

But most of all, I want to enjoy food for the taste and the sensation and not curse or praise every morsel that passes my lips. I dont want to eat a chocolate bar and feel useless after. I dont want to wolf down an entire loaf bread (and I can, and i love bread) then berate myself for doing so. I want to learn what is good for me, what i can have in moderation and enjoy it.

So, back to work .

til next time

Angell