Last night i had frankfurters (yuck) they are stinking. I hate smoked meat. It was a real effort to get down but i managed it. and 4oz broccoli steamed, half a banana and 4oz vanilla ice cream.
Suprisingly i dont feel as hungry as i thought i would. Yes there have been times when i would have happily chewed your arm off but on the whole i dont feel too bad. I did have a bad headache the first two days but whether that is from not eating enough or just withdrawals like sugar etc i am unsure
I do know that it is not sustainable on a long term basis to survive on so few calories. But i have realised that the foods i thought i couldnt live without i.e bread and potatoes, I could easily cut down on. I have also found a few foods that i thought i didnt like, that actually i do such as grapefruit and cottage cheese. Frankfurters still remain firmly on the YUCK list though
So i am on the countdown to my 3 day weigh in. On monday i weighed in at *gulp* 21st 1.75lbs. (granted it included boots but even still). This diet claims that you will loose 10lbs in 3 days. I'll be very suprised if i have lost that much. However if i have only lost a lb or 2 i'll be disappointed as i have eaten so little.
Tonight i shall sit down and work out a sensible 1500cal a day meal plan for the next week. I used to think that there was no way in hell i could survive on 1500cal a day when the recommended is 2000 and for my height and weight it is 2400 however having existed on 700 for 3 days, 1500 now seems like a luxury. I also know now that i do have the willpower to make the small changes that are required to live a healthy lifestyle and lose weight in the process. So my main focus will not be on the scales. Yes i will weigh myself. Once a week as usual. But i will also use how i look and feel and how my clothes fit to make a judgement call on how i am doing. It has been tough the last 3 days. I have been tempted to get stuck into the chocolates, the cakes and biscuits and bread and fizzy drinks. I think it has helped that i am doing this with the girls i work with and the "fear" and "shame" of failing and them succeeding is giving me added incentive.
Last night i went to bed hungry. but proud. i stuck to my diet. WEll ok i cheated a little and had 3 slices of ham for dinner instead of 2 but really, can it make that much of a difference when im eating only 700 calories a day? I woke up feeling suprisingly good. Not hungry at all. Breakfast this morning was good, it actually felt like a real treat and i enjoyed the feeling of actually enjoying my food as simple and as healthy as it was. I've just had lunch. not so good. Even on a small side plate it looked like nothing and even though i've just finished i still feel hungry. Still just the rest of today and tomorrow to go.
My diet today
Breakfast
1/2 small banana
1 slice wholemeal toast and 1 poached egg
Cup of black tea (this stuff is horrid)
Lunch
5 Ritz crackers
4oz cottage cheese
Dinner
2 Frankfurter sausages
4oz brocolli
1 banana
4oz Vanilla ice -cream
the good thing is to stave off the hunger i am drinking loads of water. Approx 3litres per day. Hopefully that is something i can continue
So my question is, is it worth it? Is it worth depriving myself of all the foods i like in an effort to lose weight and conform to the perceived accepted body type? Or should i let it all hang out and eat what i want and just be fat? Thing is i'm not sure
People say lose weight to be healthier, to wear nicer clothes, no be more energetic. Let me tell you, even at the weight i am, i can still swim 4 mile. Yes i can't run for shit but i dont expect to be able to run for shit when i weigh less either simply because i am to tall and too heavy footed for running. Rollerblading i will kick any skinny gits ass at and as for hiking, well i can hike up a mountain easily. So is my motivation clothes? Well yes primarily. While the range of clothes for us "plus size" (and god i hate that term) women is getting easier, i find that most clothes are made from bad material or fit badly or even worse are just baggy shapeless sacks expected to hide our offending rolls of flesh from view. Admittedly things are slightly better in the states thanks to shops like Lane Bryant and Torrid but still, quality and quantity is extremely limited for us bigger ladies. And there is nothing worse than not being able to find nice clothes and wear things my peers wear. and its worse because i work in an office with 2 very skinny very attractive ladies. And yes they are on this diet with me (even though i dont think they need to but i guess you are never happy)
Should clothes be my primary motivation? Is that enough to sustain me throughout what will be a long and sometimes painful journey? Probably not. So what else can i use for motivation if not health and not appearance? Smugness? haha that is always a good one
I shall ponder the question whilst i look longingly at the chocolate and pray for Thursday morning when i can at least eat a bit more
Here i am again a stone and a half heavier than my last post over 7 months ago!! its scary to think i have put on almost all the weight i have lost.
So yes i guess you could say things have not been going too well.
What has happened to me in the last 7 months? well i lost my job (again!!) was out of work for two months and sat on my ass feeling sorry for myself. Got a new job and a payrise (wohoo finally) and continued to eat like a heifer. So here i am. heavier. unhappy with my weight and determined that this is the year!
I turn 30 in January. i want to lose a stone by my birthday so i have 22 days. If i can do this i know i can set myself up to continue to lose weight steadily through the rest of the year.
so extremes
I am on a 3 day diet with the girls in my office
it is an extreme diet approx 700 cals a day. I know this is not a healthy longterm diet. BUT the whole point of doing this is to prove to myself that i can stick to a diet plan. It is also to see how little i can eat and to determine to myself the difference between eating due to hunger and eating due to boredom/stress/because its there.
If i can complete this diet i will cleanse my palate, get rid of my sugar cravings and give myself a quickstart to eating healthy and excercising
it is no 4.30pm and i am starving. i feel lightheaded and fuzzy. I have drank 2 litres of water so i know its not dehydration its hunger! Not suprising considering according to TDP (the daily plate) i have only had 17% of my recommended daily calories.
Still i am going to persevere. I know that 3 days of this is not going to ruin my health permanently. I also know that after 3 days of practical non-eating i will have a healthier respect for food that i do choose to eat! Roll on Thursday.
This plan claims to aid weightloss of 10lb - mostly water probably - but we shall see
so, yeah. diet...gone to pot. again. motivation less than zero. in fact its fo far backward it has almost come round full circle. Body beautiful? whats the point! yup i've hit THE LOW. that dreaded period every dieter experiences. usually more than once. but there is always THE BIG ONE. the one that wipes out all your effort, patience, motivation, good intentions, and leaves you with nothing but a facee full of spots, old clothes that used to big are soon gonna be too small, curl up on the sofa and wallow in a box of creme egg twisters, kinda mood. and i have hit it big time. like a 40ft truck smashing into the side of a building wrecking everything in its path.
Me and the OH are "working it out" which means we are both burying our head in the sand and hoping the issues will just float away on a cloud. meh.
And other exciting news in Angell-land, i quit my job today. I've had enough of the backbitching and lies and inability to do my job because my boss is a meglomaniac with OCD control problems. I graciously gave him my obligatory 4 weeks notice (i aint a complete bitch. plus i need the cash) so my leaving date is 5th September. He is heading up here this afternoon to throw a payrise at me in the futile attempt to make me stay. hmm...no. So i have 4 weeks to find another job
I have been entertaining clients this week ( no, not that way! althought 2 of them are mighty cute if a tad on the short side) so i have been eating out and boozing since sunday. Wallet, and liver both suffering. Time to sort my life out once and for all. after all, i am almost *gulp* 30 (6 months and counting). And i refuse to be stuck in a dead end job i hate, with a body i hate and an overall unsatisfactory life. however, these are all major changes and doing them all at once is scary and completly unrealistic but i have ran out of the patience required to change my life one step at a time. for me, this is the time for all or nothing! wish me luck
aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggh why are men so bloody..........manlike! for all you folks out there who think their men are fantastic.....its all a charade i promise you!......
Me and the OH fell out last night. well , this morning. He was looking through my phone trying to find evidence of me cheating on him! he found some flirty texts between me and a friend and texts between me and my best mate about how im unhappy with him. And this is my fault? i dont effin think so. last time i checked i was allowed to have friends, i was allowed to flirt and dammit i was allowed to confide in my best mate using my own phone. how dare he look through my messages. And if that wasnt bad enough, he then goes onto my laptop and tries to find evidence there as well. I lit like a christmas tree. then we got into a huge arguement (cue lots of shouting), followed by both of us being brutally honest ( cue lots of crying) and now we are kinda in limbo land and unsure of what to do now. Stay together? split up? argh its all too much for a tuesday morning.
At least this is good for my weight loss, i just dont feel hungry at all. Went for a run last night and walked home from work so yay me. walk again tonight.
yup. back to reality from my second trip to spain and planning my third what can i say i just it. so much so i am very much contemplating learning spanish and moving over there!!not sure how that would work with the mutt but where there is a will there is a way
Back to work which i hate hate hate. Had a job interview though so fingers crossed.
Ate thoroughly too much, drank way too much and slept far too little whilst i was away. Had a blinding time, met the love of my life (yup its true, love at first sight does exist!). nuthin happened though cause i'm still with OH and im not that much of a bitch! and he has just broken up with someone who has done a pretty good job of screwing him over. Still, we know we have found our soulmates (mush!) we are just figuring out if it is gonna be a romantic soul or platonic. Either way im just so glad he is in my life and blah blah blah.
Did try and keep up my running plan, managed it for the first few days i was out there. then went to benidorm and running gave way to drink/dance-a-thon.and there the theme continued for pretty much the rest of the holiday.
I got a numerology report done, one of those free sample thingys that then try to entice you to part with your hard earned cash to see the rest of it. I done it for a laugh. I cried when i read it. Parts of it where so damn accurate and described feelings i hadnt told anyone! so i'm in two minds whether to pay the cash for a proper reading. To give you an insight:-
Laura, your Life Path of 9 ...
You are a deeply spiritual individual who often displays a deep interest in religion or the occult at a very early age. ( Religion yes, i am not a believer in god but i do have an interest in all religions, occult yush i did indeed have an interest from i was wee), .
As many nines are also very artistic, this connection with the higher powers might also be expressed through a talent such as writing, music or painting. (talent no, attempt is probably more accurate, )
You are very aware of feeling as insignificant as a grain of sand in the Universe and believe that materialism, prejudice and lust just don't matter in the long run. (this is where is started to get scarily accurate)
You have a charismatic and very open personality that attracts you a lot of friends. You are very social, sometimes at the expense of your other responsibilities. Sometimes a number nine might take too much time out during the day "to smell the flowers" (*gulp*)
Your attitude towards life in general is very selfless
Your life may seem too tough to handle at times which makes you vulnerable to finding substitutes for the family unit. As you are naturally very lonely and insecure, you are particularly vulnerable to joining a cult or becoming fanatical in the religious sense. (can EP be classed as a cult i wonder? )
If you are a number nine you may find your life seems more difficult than others. (YES YES YES!)
Laura, your Expression of 6
You are a peace loving, harmonious individual who is a natural born diplomat. You detest conflict and will bend over backwards to make others happy. (yush i can be an emotional acrobat when required)
You express who you are by caring for others.
You excel at making others feel good about themselves and have the ability to instill new hope in lost hearts with a kind touch or wise words. You are also a very affectionate person and comfort others with your easygoing nature. Others are attracted by your empathy and your friends often seek you out for advice. (resident agony aunt me!)
You are naturally full of vitality and enthusiasm. You exude a personal charisma that makes members of the opposite sex consider you to be a "catch." (i wish) Once you are caught you are usually loyal to that one person for your entire life. (um....perhaps he has crossed my chart with someone elses)
Honesty and openness is very important in your relationships and if someone breaches your trust you are not likely to speak to them ever again. (yeah i have lost so many friends this way)
and then it blethers on for an other good bit about me living in a fantasy world yada yhada yada (all true but ssssh)
so there ya go, a scary insight into the world of me given to me by some bloke in new zealand. Still am a bit wary about paying for the full report so ho-hum one shall see.
now, weight related news.
Weighed myself today in work (on huge industrial scales so likely not to break. plus it was kinda by accident i climbed on them to get the model number hehe) and was pleasantly suprised to see that i have lost weight! in fact i have lost almost a stone (13lb) to be exact since i started EP. and now weigh in at well less than 20 stone. yay me! so kick start back with the program, start running again tonight, forget about the big greasy bacon and sausage baguette that i had for breakfast (i did skip lunch though) and healthy eating tonight. So i have extended my weight loss tracker and dates so further my goals. am also almost another dress size down when i started this whole diet, non diet, excercise no exercise start stop start journey a little over 18 months ago i was a uk size 26. I am now a 22 (sometimes a 24 in a trouser depending on the cut hence the almost another dress size) so rock on me. i have a size 18 mini dress in my wardrobe that i will be wearing by the end of the year! or using it has a dishrag. depends how it all turns out
S - Cadbury's creme egg twisted (yum. these are so addictive i have limited myself to one a week!)
L - tesco chicken & bacon caesar salad
D - eep!! i just realised i forgot to lift anything out of the freezer. Will pick up something nutritonal healthy and delicious on my way home i think.
I went for a run last night. Well, when i say i run i mean mostly walk with a little bit of jogging (and much pulling by the mutt). I wasnt going to. I came home from work, tidied up, fed dog, fed OH and myself, sat down to play LOTR while watching hollyoaks and bam it was 9pm. Dog needed out and i was just gonna walk her and forgo starting my running program. So whilst chasing her round the house trying to put her leash on (she gets so excited when she knows she is going out its like a marathon just trying to pin her down to do so. well trained dog eh?) i had an internal argument on what to do. I finally convinced myself that if i didnt start now i would never start. SO i stuck on my running shorts and hoody, clipped the dog to my waist and off i went. Walking. Day 1. wk 1 of my running program is
Walk briskly 5 mins, stretch, walk 3 mins run 1 min and repeat 4 times. Walk 10mins for cool down, stretch, collapse on sofa (ok i added the sofa bit myself)
So off we set, and it started raining. Well a light drizzle so not too bad. Walked down to the green (more briskly than planned thanks to exciteable mutt) now there are 2 fields just down from where i live. Both are wasteland but one has been chosen as the site for this years silly season (12th July for all you non norn irish folk) and as such as a huge bonfire built and is constantly surrounded by idiotic little boys who think fire is cool. So let dof off lead. Stretched. Started walk/run program. Got interrupted by bratty little children trying to coax my dog over to the fire. So had an argument with them, followed by them throwing flaming bits of wood at me (i swear norn iron is not that bad, just silly season brings out the worst in them) retaliated by me throwing flaming bits of wood back and then chasing the little bastards to their houses (dog still off leash at this point, walk/run program thoroughly ruined). Having an argument with their parents. Having another argument with the brats themselves. Then headed back to the green to resume my program. And realised (partly due to the sweat on my forehead and mostly due to the fact my heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest) that i had just done more than the program asked me to by chasing the little shits. hmm..dilema. Do i just head home then or do i wait briefly to recover and do the program as i'm supposed to. I chose the later. I figured if i used that impromptu battle as an excuse to just forget the actual program and go home, it would not be long before another excuse cropped up and bam 3 months down the line, the only running i am doing is from the tv to the sofa. So yeah, go me! and i felt great when i came home. like i had actually acheived something (other than a slight coronary)
Anyways, enough of my rambling on about flaming bits of wood and brats.
Good morning All. Hope you all had a fantastic weekend (and for those in the states a belated happy independance day)
I'm feeling better. Despite the fact i was up at some ungoldy hour (6am!) i still feel fantastic. Well not sick anyway hahah. Yup i took the rest of last week off from both work and dieting and concentrated on getting well again. I did try to eat healthy most of the time, including loads of fresh fruit and veg but i did have chinese takeaways twice and a chicken breast from the chippy. I dont care though i was ill and i needed comfrot food! Weighed myself today and have sts. Which i am delighted with considering how much i seemed to lose last week i was expecting a gain.
I got my `Running made Easy` book on Saturday. So that and my `Master the art of Swimming` programme should have me super healthy and super skinny in no time. If i actually do it and not just read about it. I had all good intentions on starting yesterday but it rained all day. Not just a light drizzle that would be actually quite refreshing but the kind of rain that makes you feel like your house is gonna collapse and that even the dog won't dip her nose out into. So maybe today. Maybe not.
Whcih gets me to 12 steps. We have all seen `the 12 step programme` designed to help people get over addictions of various kinds. Doers anyone actually know anyone on this program? does it even work? Ah well here goes. I am going to use 12 steps to lose weight. Now i am not sure what the verified 12 steps are, so i'm gonna make up my own
Step 1 - Admission - admit to myself my problems and failings
Step 2 - Acceptance - accept who i am and what i need to change
Step 3 - Visualise - the new improved bodylicious me
Step 4 - Plan - ruthless planning of food and exercise
Step 5 - Decide my goal - again
Step 6 - Divide my goal into mini goals - again
Step 7 - Education -= educate myself on health, nutrition and well-being
Step 8 - Self assessment - Critical assessment of me as a person
Step 9 - Action - Do it
Step 10 - Exercise - Really need to do it!
Step 11 - Motiviation - revise and review why i am doing this
Step 12 - buy new wardrobe - any excuse to spend money!
So yeah, there ya have it. Sounds easy. Pft if only. I am sick of lying to myself and pretending that i know what i am doing, that i am ready to do what i need to and that i am gonna stick to it. So here goes
Step 1 -
My name is Laura and i am fat ( sounds familiar to my first ever blog!). I also have no willpower whatsoever and take the quickest, route possible with least effort i.e takeaways because i cant be assed with food prep even though there is delicious healthy food in the firdge. Driving when i can walk. Buying lunch because i cant be assed getting up early to make it.
Step 2
I accept that my weight has a drastic influence over my life. It leads me to not be healthy, it is both a cause and effect of PCOS. I accept that my eating habits have a detrimental effect on moods, on my skin, on my general wellbeing. I accept that being overweight now may cause severe damage in the future. I accept that the main focus for losing weight has been to wear nice clothes. I also accept that i attribute weight lose to a better sense of self-worth. I accept that my mental attitude needs to change as well as my physical actions.
Step 3
I visualise myself 2 stone lighter in the nest 3 months. I visualise myself 6 stone lighter this time next year. I visualise myself at the beginning the middle and the end of this journey. I visualise the pitfalls and successes that i will have in order to make me stronger
So there, step 1-3 done. Step 4-6 to follow. This is my mantra, this is my promise to me. I will do this, i can do this, i WANT to do this
Oh yeah, menu for today
B - " weetabix, skimmed milk, banana, frozen berry smoothie
S - Frozen berry smoothie
L - Tuna, sweetcorn and onion on wheatbread, banana
yup, its official. my boss is either trying to kill me or he has been taken over by some kind of body snatching alien with a soul!
As you all know, i went back to work yesterday. Still felt ill but managed to work through til bout 3pm when i had enough so i went home. Kicked the two dogs off the bed, crawled in and had a nap. Mobile phone rings. Its my boss! usually this means something has gone wrong and he wants to rant about it so he phones everyone in his phone book. I hmm'd and haa'd about answering but knew i i didnt answer he would just keep ringing and i would never get some piece. So i answered it. HE TOLD ME TO TAKE THE REST OF THE WEEK OFF PAID!!!
Immediatly i smelled a rat. My boss never does anything that doesnt suit himself, and paying me to not be in work is not one of them. Apparently nearly passing out in his office was enough for him to see that i really am sick. That or the fact i didnt argue with him once haha. So yeah i have the rest of the week off. then in work for 3.5 days next week then off to sunny spain.for 2 weeks wohoo!!! i just hope i have this illness kicked. So i have been sleeping alot and stuffing my face with anything loaded with vitamin c.
I weighed myself today. And im 19st 12!!! i dont understand. i was 20'7 last week/ i cant have lost that much surely. thats like 9lbs in a week. I havent even been doing that much exercise due to illness. Don't get me wrong, if it is correct then i am thrilled But i aint gonna hold my breath for another loss on monday. We shall see. I just have to keep healthy eating, doing my exercises and not let this holiday ruin all my good work like i did the last time
what can i say i just 
which i hate hate hate. Had a job interview though so fingers crossed.
)
- any excuse to spend money!