I'm always fascinated with why we make the choices that we do... I was thinking about that today on my walk outside... in this gorgeous fall weather. I love the fall... when there's a hint of chilly-ness in the air...
anyway ~ last week I was driving past a bike trail ~ and I found myself thinking "I wanna be one of those people who bikes on those trails... or goes for a long bike ride in the country..." I've always wanted to be one of "those" people. And during this same week ~ I also heard myself say "I wanna be one of those people who goes backpacking in the mountains, and camps at cool, remote places...." I've always wanted to be one of "them" too... I cannot tell you how many YEARS I've been "wishing" this... (and the sad reality is ~ a very long time ago, I used to BE on of "those" people...)
so today on my walk... I'm asking myself: "so what's stopping you from doing those things?" and you know... I have no idea! Why is that? Why ~ do you think ~ people who have genuine desires to go out and play ~ do nothing about it?? except dream about it?? You would think this would motivate me... but it doesn't.
While on one hand ~ it's a good sign... on the other, it's annoying as hell... being in-between sizes...
I'm desparately needing to replace my wardrobe... I've been holding off because I'm suppose to be losing weight...
but I need clothes NOW! So ~ I try pants on in my "normal" size... they look and feel alittle baggy so I go down a size... they feel alittle too tight around the belly... I hate this; I hate this in-between sizes phase...
but I'm really really needing clothes now... the things I have now are so worned and washed out ~ even stretched out ~ I look dumpy... and feeling frustrated about my appearance leads to ice cream...
I know... I know... concentrate on the positives here!! my "normal" size is BAGGY on me!!! yeah!!! (but I just needed to vent alittle...)
I'm still trying to come to terms with my disappearance over these past few months... I will say that... I don't know what percentage can be contributed to "excuses, excuses" and what percentage is "genuine need to be concerned"...
I have not been feeling "right" since March... after the bronchitis attack... after the 10 days of diarrha... I can officially now say... that I'm a "dizzy broad!" Over the past 3 months - each and every time I lay down... the room spins... and lately, it's been happening more and more when I look up or bend over... so... yoga is out for now... and I'm actually scared to do aerobics in case it's something to do with my heart... I live alone so... if I collapse...
(well, you remember how my cat just walked right over me when I was on the floor doing leg lifts?? I'm sure she'd just do that again and not give it another thought...)
I've been to the doc multiple times (I actually had to switch docs after the first month because he blew me off and didn't take me seriously). I'm now on high blood pressure meds and at my doc appt this week, when I told him the dizziness has "changed" and happens at other times now... he said it's me adjusting to the new drugs...
I guess... we can try that interpretation for awhile... I'm hoping he's right and it does makes sense... but I'm not so sure my gut has bought into that idea yet. So... I'm scared to work out much... HOWEVER...
having said that ~ I know perfectly well that I can still walk around the park so... I don't need to "hide" completely behind this new, mysterious (and hopefully temporary) medical condition... the truth is, though, I'm just feeling alittle scared about this unknown...
On the up-side... I'm only up ONE pound since I last wrote!!! (which was many many moons ago...) Can't say that I'm eating "healthy" or "correctly" - but the portions must be ok..!!
I'm hoping to reconnect with you guys ~ and hope you are all doing well!! I sure did appreciate the comments checking in on me, from Kristy, Andie and Kate... that meant alot! Thanks you guys ~
I've started out alittle slow on my 2nd attempt for the summit of Mt Everest... I left Base Camp at 17,600 ft and have climbed 831 ft towards Camp One... once again I'm passing thru the Khumbu Falls...
The Khumbu Falls is 2,000 ft of constantly shifting ice blocks that is never stable; because of this, new cravasses can open up without any warning... at any moment. They say more climbers have died going thru the ice falls than on any other part of the mountain. To get thru the Ice Falls, climbers must walk across ladders that bridge the gap from one ice "cube" to another... and they do this wearing their crampons (metal spikes they wear on their boots to walk on ice)!! Absolutely insane... This would be the 2nd reason why I couldn't really climb Everest (the first reason being I'm too outta shape) My knees would buckle in a heartbeat the first time I stepped out onto one of those ladders and looked down...
so anyway ~ I'm now 1,469 ft away from Camp One...
I actually made it out the door yesterday for my first walk in a long time... and I was thinking about how I just stopped working out in February... then went on vacation... then got sick... I've been away from the exercise scene for far too long...
which means... all the progress I was making on the treadmill (distance and speed) were also left on the way-side, so I am more-or-less having to start over...
it happens ~ and the important part is I'm starting over... I didn't quit for good.
and as you may remember from earlier blogs, I was doing a virtual climb of Mt Everest as I do this... and many times, in real life, people who attempt to summit never do for one reason or another...so... like them, I decided I can't summit on my first attempt, and that I need a Do-Over on the Everest climb, because it doesn't feel right to me to take a month off, then start up where I left off (I was into the Death zone... I was 2,848 ft away from the summit!!!)
this Everest thing for me... is like a visual, mental "thing" that helps me track my progress ~ because the only way to summit is to work out ~ and the more I work out, the closer I get to the summit. It also has the added benefit of getting me in shape so that I can REALLY trek up to the real Base Camp on Everest some time in the near future!! One of my many dream vacations!!
So... I'm officially back in Base Camp ~ I'm repacking my gear ~ and I'm starting again for the summit. That's 11,428 ft to go...
So... I suffered thru the bronchitis -thing, which left me with no voice for two weeks (which my coworkers loved!! as I could only stand there and take their verbal abuses (all in fun of course!) without shooting back)
then I went on drugs... and I got my voice back!!! (yeah!! no more sounding like a frog!!) and for the most part - my cough went away (yeah!! no more hurting my ribs and throat!!) but then...
yes...there's a "but then...."
I got diarrhea for three days straight... (caused by the antibiotics)
and as they say in my homeland of Minne-snowta... "uffda..."
NOT how I like to lose weight (but I did see the 60's again!!! for awhile anyway...)
And... I thought I was being soooo smart; when I was talking to the nurse about my latest "problems" ~ I proudly told her that I was eating lots and lots of fiber to try and get the diarrhea to stop... and she goes ..."um... that's the complete opposite of what you should do... you should avoid fiber and do B.R.A.T (bananas, rice, apples, toast) instead..."
so much for being smart...
but... I think I can finally venture more than 5 seconds away from a bathroom now, and can finally take a walk outside in this gorgeous spring weather!! it's been torture (on all levels) being stuck indoors during 50-60 degree, nothing-but-sunny-sky's kind-of weather... it's just not right...
but I do FINALLY believe that ~ to paraphrase that good ol' Aerosmith song ~
I'm BACK!! on the treadmill again.... I'm BAAAAAACK!!!!
(everyone sing it with me... don't be shy...)
p.s. and Kate..? thanks for the comments on my photos; it was a much-needed giggle (but you made me blush... ) my friends are always commenting on how I'm never in any photos (because I insist on being behind the camera) so this was a compromise... at least parts of me are now in the photo...
how long am I suppose to have this *stuff* ??? it's been 14 days now...
yes... I'm still sick ~ but I'm finally getting my voice back at least; which is good, 'cuz there are lots of people I want to yell at and can't do that without a voice... I sure felt bad for the folks I support out in Puerto Rico... our budgets were due this week and I had lots of work to do with them to get theirs finalized... so that meant lots of phone calls... and the best I could do was "yell" at a loud whisper...
so ~ since I'm not really improving any ~ I had to start on antibiotics yesterday... these better cure me... I'm sick of being sick!!
and... you know how it feels when you're sick and some other thing goes wrong ~ it feels triple-overwhelming... well... I got a new computer with Vista on it about 6 months ago, and until last week, I was feeling blessed that I wasn't having all those problems that you heard about with Vista... then I had a windows update run, and it installed a new graphics driver for me... only it f*-ed everything up; so... all of the websites I visited (including this one) were messed up beyond description... and NOTHING I did would *fix* it.
my brother ~ bless his heart ~ finally sent me a link to instructions on how to restore my system to some previous point in time.... and THANK GOD it worked!!! I can read websites again!!! everything is *normal* again!!
now... if I could just become normal again... I'm itching to get back on the treadmill again...
wonder how long it will take to get rid of this crap? just standing up sends me into a coughing frenzy... and my voice?? what the hell happened to my voice?? My cats hadn't seen me for a week, and when I come back, I sound like a frog or something... they were looking at me suspiciously for the first few days... but then they realize they get to monkey-pile on top of the human and her blanket for a nice, quiet nap... until she has those coughing fits that is... they kinda rock their world, and afterwards I get evil looks like... "how dare you disturb nap time..? is nothing sacred any more??"
poor gatos...
and believe me ~ I'd give anything to be able to sleep thru the night ~ which I haven't been able to do the entire week I've had this crap now... I still wake up every 3-4 hrs to drink water because my throat is just burning and sore!!!
I'm sick of being sick!! who wants it next?? I'm ready to pass it on to the next person...
Boy ~ could I get used to life on the island (Cozumel) or what ... re-entry into reality ?... sucks ... where are the white, sandy beaches?? where's my coconut drink?? and of course... I got sick my first day back (so I'm home again today with a fever and deep, strange-sounding voice). Coincidence?!?!? I mean... it was 85 when I woke up on Sunday ~ and 25 degrees when I landed in Colorado 8 hrs later. That's just wrong...
and I had an epiphany of sorts while I had my butt planted in a beach chair... or hammock... or the other beach chair down the beach... as I watched these different body shapes and sizes walk around in swimsuits... there were quite a few people who seemed genuinely comfortable with their size... why can't I be like that?? Or even... why DO we put so much emphasize on being thin?? It takes the joy out of things when you're not comfortable in your own skin ~ and that's kinda sad. There were those who let it all hang out and were splashing around in the water and having fun; and there were those ~ like me ~ who sat around in shorts and tankini tops watching all of the activities around us. Those who are comfortable in their own skin; those who are not.
But that's not to say ~ I want to give up and stay my size... there are so many other reasons why I want to be a healthy size still... but I think on this trip I have adjusted my inner perception so that ~ I don't have to have flat abs to feel comfortable in a swimsuit; I just need to shrink the roll(s) that are currently there...
and speaking of inner perceptions: I've always had this perception of myself that "I'm not really that large" so at times I "forget" that I'm overweight. Like when I lost the 5 lbs before the trip, I thought I must be looking pretty trim. But then I saw a photo of myself on the trip and... uggghhh!! Reality really bites sometimes...
I think one of my friends long ago had it right: when her mom mentioned the same thing (that she thought she was thinner than she really was) and asked ~ what do you call that?? my friend answered: "Denial"...
So..? how's my motivation now that I'm back?? Because before I left ~ I had none... it mysteriously disappeared... but they say a picture speaks a 1000 words so... treadmill... here I come... (just as soon as I shake this chest cold)
so I go down a size... they feel alittle too tight around the belly... 
I hate this; I hate this in-between sizes phase...
and at my doc appt this week, when I told him the dizziness has "changed" and happens at other times now... he said it's me adjusting to the new drugs...
(caused by the antibiotics)