time for an update. The past few days, for the most part have been positive ones. I finally feel like I'm on track and committed to accomplishing my goal this time....that is one thing I am certain of. I've been working out like crazy lately...I'm up to 520/1,000 for the month...over half way there!! I started this little venture on the 22nd of January, so I think I'm doing pretty well so far. Working out consistently lately, and making time to fit it in my schedule no matter what has made things so much easier to deal with all around. I'm just in a better mood altogether...things that would have bothered me immensely before just don't seem that horrible now. I've always had sort of a drama queen reputation among my best friends in that I usually see the worst in a situation and think things are worse than they are at the time...but lately, I've been trying so hard not to do that. So far, I THINK it's been working. I talked with a friend yesterday and said some things I've been holding back from him for a very long time...and honestly, I'm glad I got them out. Granted, he probably didn't take anything I said seriously since he was joking for most of the conversation, but at least now he is aware of the things he does that hurt me...whether he tries to stop doing those I guess we'll just have to find out. I ate kinda bad yesterday...went into yesterday evening with 16 points, then went out to eat and had a tossed salad with fried chicken tenders as well....not my finest WW moment...but I still feel like I'm okay...I worked out yesterday and I have my weekly points balance as well. I went into this evening with 23 points...had Mexican food with a friend and still had points left over for the evening...I also worked out for 90 minutes today so overall, I think I'm balancing pretty well. As I was eating dinner tonight I thought about how overweight I still am and it made me mad at myself....then a lady walked into the restaurant by herself. Seeing her walk in alone broke my heart...she was carrying a novel to read so I knew she wasn't expecting someone to eat with her. When she sat down at the booth, she could barely fit and I saw her scoot the table forward a little. She looked so sad...alone even. I guess it bothered me so much because I've felt that way a lot...especially with the fighting with my family. I've always been one to make other people happy before myself...now that I'm trying to take care of myself...my family has quite opposed the new change. It means I don't bail them out of financial situations anymore and basically that I don't allow myself to get used and taken advantage of, by anyone....though I still feel like I'm working on that with someone else. I talked to my mom last night and the conversation ended badly. I told her that I think she forget sometimes that she has three children, not two, and that I need her sometimes too...maybe not financially, but I still need her to be my mother...and I feel betrayed because she lies to me and breaks promises all because of my brother and his stupid addictions. I hate it...so as hard as it was to do this, I told her to not bother calling me until she could appreciate me....til she remembered that I was the child, not the mother...and that I'm worth a lot more than she gives me credit for. So far, I haven't gotten a phone call. I'm used to talking to her every day so it's been hard to not pick up the phone and call today, but I'm not backing down this time. I can't. Maybe they'll realize that I'm not just someone to take advantage of anymore. I hope so at least. I don't want to sever ties with my family but they are absolutely pushing me away. I'm trying my best to focus on me...to figure out who I am and what will make me happy...and trying to get rid of all roadblocks in the way to achieving that. Anyway, just wanted to update...didn't mean to write a novel.
today was supposed to start out well....considering I have my first Anatomy test at 11 I was hoping for some good news at my weigh-in....no such luck. I'm up 4.5 pounds!!!!!! I don't really understand why unless it's because it's almost time for my "friend" to get here and that I've been working out basically every day...hopefully this is just water retention and building muscle...cause the scale isn't supposed to go that way otherwise!!
**370/1,000 so far and I have to say I really feel so much better about myself when I know I've tried my hardest for that day....tracking my points, exercising...it just all adds up slowly...hopefully next weigh-in will look better.
So I finally feel like I'm back on track!! I've been following my points to a tee for the past three days and I've exercised each day. I feel so much better about myself and in general! Even though I woke up feeling kind of crappy this morning...my right side has been hurting pretty consistently for the past few days...overall, I just feel so much better. I want to be healthy so badly! I also have a new incentive...one of my best friends from high school messaged me tonight to tell me that she's getting married in May and wants me to come to the wedding. Some of the people that will be there I haven't seen since I graduated high school....eeekkk, 7 years ago! So it would be awesome, let me rephrase, WILL BE awesome to have them see me looking healthy! I'm waiting now to hear from my pharmacy schools...STILL. I know I shouldn't be impatient...just place it in God's hands because this is up to Him....but as you all know, that is so much easier said than done. I also got to see one of my best friends Saturday and that made me very happy....I hadn't seen him since right after Christmas...and that's probably the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other so yay for that too. :) I kinda missed him a little...even though we talk every day...haha. Anyway, I gotta study for an Ecology test...yuck. I wish you all the best of luck tomorrow!
It's been a while since I've posted basically because I've been too ashamed to report that lately, I've failed miserably on my WW....and I do mean miserably. Gaining the weight that I've already lost, back again, is one of my worst nightmares, so why I continue to shove bad food in my mouth is beyond me!!! I eat when I'm not even hungry, then feel guilty about it later and think "Well, today is already sabotaged, why not make it worse?" It's a vicious cycle that I put myself through, and I don't know why I can't think of getting right back in the game after a mess up. It should NOT be this hard to do something good for yourself!!! One of my best friends is a very superficial individual...he reminds me of "Shallow Hal" from the movie. His basis for selecting a girl to date is in my opinion, 90% based on her looks and 10% based on her personality. It really makes me sad to think of all the wonderful individuals he's passing up because he can't see past their exterior. We had a discussion yesterday online and he said that if he were a recruiter in the profession that both he and I have chosen, that he would only hire females he considered to be attractive. Most of the time when he says things, I take them with a grain of salt...in one ear and out the other. But this one bothered me....even if he did say later that he was joking (most times I really think he means what he says, but tries to play it off as a joke if he thinks I got upset by what he said). I'm smarter than he gives me credit for. For one, again, he'd be passing up amazing and qualified individuals, and two, and this is the one that made him silent for a minute...he basically said that based on that qualification, he'd never hire me. I don't consider myself "hot" by any means, and personally, don't see me losing any amount of weight to ever be able to change that....but when confronted with the above statements his response was, "I'm sorry...besides, you're trying to lose weight anyway." So I don't really know how I'm supposed to take that. What do you guys think? He keeps reminding me that I don't want to be the hypocrite pharmacist...the one that tells people what they need to do to be healthy while not serving as their example, and he's very right in that fact....I do NOT want to tell people "Do as I say, not as I do." I personally think that is the biggest cop out ever. If that offends anyone at all, I'm sorry....but that's basically been the story of how my family works. Exercise was a word rarely used in my house growing up and growing up in a house where domestic violence was commonplace, sometimes I felt like food was the only friend I had...the only one I could turn to for comfort. Little did I know that the comfort was only temporary but that the damage I've done is much more than temporary. I want so much to be healthy. I don't say thin or skinny because to me, healthy does not mean those words....not in the least. You can be a bean pole (as my Gran would say) and still not be healthy in the least. Being healthy is what I want more than anything in this world. So, tomorrow is a new start. I don't expect it to be perfect, but I cannot give up. I just want someone to love me for me, and right now, that isn't happening. I don't want to be just part of the crowd anymore. I've never been one to stand out, or even try to for that matter, but I'm tired of blending in with the masses. I'm tired of being seen as the best friend, the little sister, and nothing more. I want so much more and I can't even say it to the ones I want to say it to....and that breaks my heart....because I feel like I won't be good enough until I'm healthy, even then, it's a gamble at best.....and my poker face needs some work. I'll try to update more frequently from now on. It's just been insanely hectic lately.
-I can log 215/1000 minutes of exercise though--I have til Feb. 22 to get to the 1000.
-The new job is still going well. I pray things stay that way.
-All of my pharmacy school applications are out. Now for a lot of waiting and even more prayers. Ones from you all would be appreciated as well. :)
-I have to perform neurosurgery on a chick next week. I am not happy about it.
-Three exams in the coming week are gonna kill me!
*Classes, for the most part are going well so far. I don't think I'm gonna particularly care for Comparative Animal Physiology though...yesterday we had our first lab and I had to inject saline into the veins of a baby chick. It almost broke my heart...but I HAVE to take this class...and I made sure to be gentle so that he wouldn't get hurt. This class is gonna be a real test for me...especially if baby chicks are my test subjects for the semester. :(
*I decided (thanks to Janet) that the 1,000 minutes of exercise in a month challenge is a great idea and I'm gonna do it. Today sucked...I woke up late and didn't get to go to gym as planned, but things happen and tomorrow is a new start. So far I can log 102 minutes out of 1,000 (and 14.68 miles so far). Today was my first day that I haven't gotten to work out since I started this (on Tuesday) so I'll be okay. When I finally did get a chance to go to the gym...it was completely FULL! A little disheartening, yes...but still, I've got tomorrow.
*The competition between a friend and I to see who can lose 25 pounds first is still on. Granted since he is a guy, he's probably gonna win just cause his odds are better...but that doesn't mean I'm giving up! :D I love competing with him too much...haha.
*Really liking the new job so far! Everyone there is really, super nice. Something I'm not used to at all. My last job was pretty stressful...this one is going well so far! :)
* I bought a new digital camera tonight. Yay for presents! It's gonna come in pretty handy at my new concert ventures...haha. :)
Hope you all have a great night and wonderful day tomorrow!
has not been good. Since being diagnosed with mono on Monday, it seems like everything has gone downhill. Don't mistake this for a blog in which I whine about how things are never going to change, and how I'm giving up on weight loss and life in general...that's not what I have to say in the least. Yesterday I was scheduled to take the PCAT (Pharmacy College Admission Test) for the second time. I scored better than 72% of the people who took the test with me in October. I didn't have a BAD score, but still wanted to see how much I could improve by taking it again. I had studied for weeks and even pulled an all nighter Friday night to get in some last minute studying. Yesterday morning, I was all ready to go...and then everything that could have went wrong between 7:15 and 8:30 am, did. I couldn't get the ice and snow off my car from earlier in the week...since I've been sick I hadn't left my apt. so it had accumulated. I fell on black ice in the parking lot and really banged up my elbow. I got half way to Virginia Tech, where I was supposed to take the test, and realized that I didn't have my cell phone. It had fallen out of my pocket when I fell. So I had to drive 20 minutes back to my apt, and found it had slid under someone else's car. By this point, I had ten minutes to make it to Blacksburg to get to the testing site, and that just wasn't going to happen, no matter how hard I tried. So yesterday I ended up with a bruised butt and elbow, a slightly damaged cell phone, a loss of $125 for the PCAT fee, and possibly my shot at getting accepted at a pharmacy school this fall. I hope and pray that isn't the case. After crying and getting all my frustrations out, I called my mom. Her response was different than what I expected it to be. She said she was glad that I didn't go to Blacksburg...that obviously it wasn't meant for me to be there and that something bad probably would have happened if I had gone. She seems to think that all of my disasters yesterday morning was God's way of saying, "I think you need to stay home today." So I guess I wasn't meant to retake the test yesterday. Hopefully, I'll still get into one of the three schools I'm applying to this fall. The one person I expected to grouch at me, or laugh, over the whole situation yesterday, didn't do either. I think I really underestimate him sometimes. He can be nice when he wants to. ;) When I get mad, I tend to forget that....and I shouldn't. I really am blessed to have friends that love me.
*My goal of getting an hour of exercise per day has been temporarily thwarted by this crappy mono. Tomorrow, the mono wins NO MORE.
*I finally, finally, finally get to be back in a pharmacy tomorrow....where I should be. ;)
*Getting to see Taylor Swift in concert on March 1st makes me happy. :)
This cartoon made me smile a lot...cause it's how I feel most days...haha.
Lately, I have been suffering from bouts of insomnia. Problem is, by the time I admit that's what's happening, it's too far into the night to try a sleep aid since I usually have to get up early the next morning. I realized today that I try so hard to make everything work my way, and sometimes, I just need to let things work out on their own. I should be living my life according to God's plan, not my own, and sometimes that requires just sitting back and letting Him take the reins, as hard as that is.
Good things about today:
--I got in an entire hour of working out today. Yay for me! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. This whole process isn't pulling teeth like I seem to make it sometimes....and I KNOW that if I strive to get one hour of exercise in per day, that my weight will fall the way I want it to. Once I get into a routine, I'm pretty good at sticking with it, but once I let that lapse, I also have a very hard time getting back to where I should be. I'm working on it.
--Finally got to go to class. I don't think they're gonna be as bad I originally thought. That's a VERY good thing.
--I found out that my favorite band will be touring close by at the beginning of August, and I have the chance to meet them again, IF I play my cards right and get lucky. That's just something else to look forward to, and work toward. I want to be healthy when I meet them again....I know they won't remember me...how could they? They're superstars. But it matters to me, I think that I'll have more confidence and that's something I want more than anything.
--One of my best friends made my day. Actually, it was a combination of what two of them said. No matter how down I am, I can always count on them to make me feel better. If they only knew how much I appreciate and love them all.
--Today was my grandma's 65th birthday. She's my best friend. I can tell her anything and know that everything will be okay. I just hate that I couldn't be home to celebrate with her.
Bad things about today:
--I didn't track all of my points because I didn't know how many were in the salad I was brought for dinner. I really need to stop eating things that I can't log....no matter how healthy I "THINK" they are for me.
--I didn't get everything done that I needed to, and now feel rushed. Most days I feel like I'll never get the chance to slow down, and that's not fun.
--I feel like another of my best friends is slipping away from me. In my mindset, once we're friends, truly friends, then you're kinda stuck with me long term. She and I have both been single for an incredibly long time and now she's dating someone she met online. I just don't have the heart to tell her that I think she's moving WAY too fast. I don't want to see her get hurt, and I certainly don't want to see her ditch her family and friends, but I think both are happening. Granted, I haven't met the guy, and I don't want to judge, but wow, this has all happened in the blink of an eye, and to me...I just don't think you should forsake plans already made to make new ones with someone else. I don't like feeling like someone else is the better person to spend time with. Guess that's the jealous side coming out that everyone accuses me of having.
Oh well. Just thought I'd get that stuff out.
I WILL work harder tomorrow. Hope you all have a great day!
Upside to today: I am starting to feel better, thanks to the medication given to me yesterday.
Downside: I had to miss classes again and I've eaten like a horse. Prednisone, one of the medications given to me to decrease the inflammation in my throat, is a steroid. Steroids increase appetite. Yuck. Before yesterday I had never taken one to my knowledge. I remember my grandma complaining a few months ago that she had an increased appetite as the result of taking one, so yesterday when the doctor gave me my prescriptions, I hoped that I would be able to combat that side effect. That didn't work. Oh well, tomorrow I am going to class, no matter what. I AM hitting the gym in the morning for AT LEAST an hour beforehand, and I only have to take the Prednisone for 4 more days. I can handle it.
I keep reading about how adding an hour of exercise at least 5 days per week will just melt the excess weight off your body. Well, I'm gonna try to do that. That's my goal for this week. Track all my food in the WW points tracker, no matter how many points I've had, that way I can't lie to myself anymore, and aim for one hour of exercise each day. May 3rd isn't that far away. I have to start now, or it's just gonna get here and I'll have no results.
I found something on The Biggest Loser message boards a while back that said there's nothing wrong with working out 2o minutes a day, three times a week, but don't expect the same results as someone who has worked out 60 minutes a day 6 times a week. Pretty much, you get what you put into it. Makes sense huh? I don't know why it's taken me til now to realize that. So I'm gonna put in more, hoping for a bigger return as a smaller number on that scale!
I got diagnosed with mono today. :( I was supposed to start classes and go to work...so much for that. I'm still not giving up on anything though...I'm a tough cookie..haha. I went to Winterjam on Saturday night. It was wonderful....I got to see lots of my favorite Christian artists, including MercyMe, and got to meet Mandisa from American Idol! :D
Hope you all have a great week! I'll update more when I'm over this crud!
today wasn't the perfect day I was hoping for. It was weigh in day for the week and I've gained two pounds. Ick. The scale is supposed to be going in the OTHER direction. I definitely dipped into the weekly points balance too, since I ate Mexican food tonight. Oh well, tomorrow's another day and I'm not giving up. I've got too much left to accomplish to throw in the towel. :) Hope you all had better results and have a wonderful tomorrow!
