OMG... I haven't been here since July. Wow. I did not realize it had been that long! Unfortunately I was not abducted by extra terrestrials from the Richard Simmons planet and taken away to lose a hundred pounds in an environment of nurturing and encouragment. I have just been busy gaining four pounds. Yes. I weigh 239 pounds now. I gained it all under my chin. That is just what I needed.... a new accessory chin. As if I did not already have enough of them. Sigh.... Why couldn't that extra four pounds have found its way to my chest where two of the only four small things on my body are? (The other two are my ears.) My luck it would have all gone into one boob, though. That would have been lovely. I would have rather it have found it's way to my enormous behind than under my chin. My butt's so big already nobody would notice four extra pounds. Sometimes I hear my friends griping about thier boobs sagging and I realize I do not have that problem. However, what really scares the hell out of me is the possibility of my butt sagging. Do butts sag? OMG....it would be dragging behind me!!
Well, I got my fat self a big honkin' bottle of wine today and intend to sit here alone and get pretty drunk. I'm not much of a drinker, but it's not often that my mother keeps my children over night. A more confident woman would find herself a date or an interesting social activity. Not me. If I don't see another human being until noon tomorrow I'll be happy about it. In fact, I think I'll run off any who appear on my porch. LOL! It's fun. You just crack the door a little, so that the interloper outside can only see one very angry eye, and you growl, "What the hell do you want?" They usually just leave. If they don't leave imediately, you can hiss like a hamster and they'll be gone before you can say "Sic 'em Killer".
Frightening Tales of Lard, Love and Financial Ruin
Hello all. Thank you for being patient with me. I have discovered a profound secret which I wish to share with you all. The best way to forget all about your weight, your tumultuous love life or lack thereof, your wrinkles, gray hair and sagging body parts is, without a doubt, to get yourself into some financial trouble. When money which is suposed to be there does not come, and you have written checks of such revolting rubberiness that it will take nothing short of a miracle to climb your way out, you may very well FORGET TO EAT!!! Amazing isn't it? Fat Betty forgot to eat. It's the "I Owe the Bank a Buncha Fees Now, Dammit" diet. Although it works, I do not recommend it.
Now for the "love" part. An old flame in the process of being dumped by his wife ran into a mutual friend of ours and told her he wanted to see me. I supose he thought I, with my blinding beauty and Michelin Man-Like figure, could make all the misery of being unceremoniously divorced go away. Anyhoo, he showed up, amazingly enough, at my home the next day. I was in the garden up to my elbows in dirt. Each of my leg hairs had either a leaf of grass impaled on it or a clod of dirt hanging from it. I was sweating rather like a plow mule.
One would think this combination of disgusting attributes would turn a man off. He, however, told me how beautiful I was and tried to plant a big wet one on me. He asked if we could start dating. (He's very straight and to the point.) I was rather excited since it has been two years since a man had crept close enough to attempt a smooch. It was a romance novel moment. It was a Lifetime movie moment. Everyone was very impressed. I told them all not to be because I live by Murphey's Law. If something can go wrong it will. Even if it takes some kind of inexplicable cataclysm, it will go wrong one way or the other.
Well, wouldn't ya know, my own little personal tear in the fabric of reality opened up just big enough to swallow up a 175 pound man and he is gone. Haven't heard from him since that day. My luck. He was sucked into an alternate deminsion. He went wherever one sock from each pair goes during the wash. He went wherever stuff that falls down into the depths of the sofa goes. For some reason, I am spared from being sucked into the Unknown Zone myself. There, but by the grace of God go I, I supose.
And, finally, the lard part. I have a 43 inch equator. It is not a waist. It is now, officially, a frickin' equator. I measured it yesterday. My friend was all upset because she has a 34 inch waist. I think she was thankful for that little rinky dink number when she heard my enormous circumferance. But, like I said, financial ruin has rendered me completely appetite free. Not even Richard Simmons could put you on a diet like this.
Hi everyone. And happy Independence Day. I was briefly abducted by a race of extra terrestrials who are trying to beat the fat gene themselves and needed a nice, rotund Earth creature on which to conduct experiments. This time, all the food I have consumed is THEIR FAULT and not the fault of Satan!! I cannot, however, say Satan's innocent because that would be an oxy moron. It seems the aliens needed to see how much food an Earth creature could consume over one weekend. I have to admit, it was incredible fun. I was not probed.... unfortanately.
Anyhoo, I am back. I'm rather ashamed that I have not lost so much as half an ounce, but I am back none the less. I am ready to attempt to get back on the diet wagon. I have decided that, perhaps, I should give up coca cola cold turkey. And bread, and cheese. I am not sure what I will eat. Maybe I'll graze in the yard like a buffalo. Maybe I'll call my ex boyfriend's mother who used to pluck, boil and eat a weed that grows all over lawns. She called it "plantin". It tasted god-awful but she loved it, and she was not malnourished. I supose I might as well eat it because most low-cal foods taste almost as god-awful as it did.
Oh, and another thing I am just SO excited about! I went to the doctor Saturday (she's open half a day) and found out I weigh 238 damn pounds. That's more than I realized. I was thinking 235, but oh well. I'm heavier than I was when I was laborously carrying around a 21 1/2 inch, 9 pound 4 ounce human being in my belly. I was heavier than I presently am, though, when I was packing my first born who was also 21 1/2 inches but a whopping 11 pounds 2 ounces. Not much heavier then than now, though. Just seven pounds heavier.
So, I am back. Back by popular demand. LOL!!! Everyone misses my big arse!! :-D Let's don't forget what today's about. Our freedom ain't free!!!
Today has been rather eventful. I can hardly type because there's Mello Yello spilled in the keyboard courtesy of my oldest son. He also took my salad AND my delicious sugar snap peas and potatoes that my friend brought me. Because another neighbor's children demanded most of my lettuce yesterday I had to turn my last salad over to my son and eat two boiled eggs. That was a good salad too. And those peas, OMG... absolutely heavenly. If you've never tried garden-grown sugar snap peas prepared like green beans, with new potatoes in 'em, you absolutely MUST try them now. They are the bomb.
My youngest- four years old- was grounded today for not picking up the mess he made in the living room. It was wonderful not having to put up with some of his little friends who are habitual bums. He kept opening the door, hollering for them to come to the porch and then slamming the door in their faces. Looney youngun. :-D
I haven't lost any weight. I'm not following a weight plan. Weight Watchers sounds great but it's too expensive. So is Jenny Craig or just about anything else. I just do low-fat, and avoid white bread and pasta. MY FAVORITE things are bread and pasta. Oh, and cheese. I LOVE cheese. All kinds of cheese. Oh how I miss cheese. I got plenty of it with those 8 pieces of pizza the other day, so I might as well shut up complaining. :-/
It is difficult for me to believe I ate what I ate yesterday. I went totally berzerk. I lost my mind. I fell off the diet wagon like a big, swollen, bloated sow hog. I ate 8 pieces of pizza. Yes. That is right. That is not a typo. Eight. I know. It's jaw dropping. It's revolting. It's sickening. Especially for a woman who has been doing so well on her diet and eating her cabbage and oranges like a good girl. I used the excuse that I was celebrating since my oldest son had come home yesterday from his three week stay in the Flat Lands with his no-good daddy. Some people celebrate momentous days with alcohol. Some buy fireworks and grill out. What do I do? I ooooze along like the massive blob of goop I am and digest whatever happens to be within my reach.
So, today it's been fruits and veggies since I dragged my disgusting, food junky self out of my bed- which by the way has a sink hole in the middle of it where I lay. And, wouldn't you know, my ex boyfriend is visiting next door again. I want to yell, "Hey you dirty dog!!! Why'd you make me fat?" But I know it isn't his fault. It is all mine. I am to blame. Me and Satan. (Well, I can't take all the blame myself. ;-)
Today started with strawberry flavored instant oatmeal and a Dexatrim, which has made me feel rather jumpy and has not taken my apetite. I am presently boiling cabbage in chicken broth. Yum... (eye roll). I am going to attack it and eat it as if it is ambrosia being fed to me by Taylor Hicks.
We have had two formidable thunderstorms today, here in the furthest reaches of the universe. (Southeastern Kentucky). The rolling thunder has been matched only by the rumbling proclamations of hunger by my poor stomach. I am not used to eating healthy, three meals a day, that sort of blah business. But, I will prevail. I say, I WILL prevail!!
Last night, believe it or not, I was ASKED OUT by an attractive man. I know... I know... I was like, "Holy sh.. on a holy shingle!! Are you INSANE? Do you want to be crushed like the unfortunate dung beatle beneith the belly of the massive elephant?" I looked at him as if he were aflame, with great geysers of steam blowing out of every one of his orifices. But, I said yes. I gave him my phone number. He said I was "prettier than a doll." ????? :-O That sure contradicts the opinions I have formed about my poor self since the pounds crept on.
My ex boyfriend was visiting next door today, looking fabulous, lean and manly. I gazed out the window longingly, then felt rather foolish. I don't need him. I don't need oppression which will pack more pounds onto my already straining skeleton.
Well, it seems the heavens have spared us any more of their fury. The deluge has ceased and every dang thing in my yard is wet, including my child whom oughtta be famished too, but was fed tacos by a sympathetic neighbor. So, I supose I am off to pretend this blasted cabbage is really a big cheesy pizza with tomatoes, green peppers, and black olives. Keep me in your happy thoughts!!
Two years ago I broke up with a man I loved. (Doesn't it always have something to do with a man?) I think my relationship with him warped my already damaged psyche because I decided I just did not give a dang anymore. I filled that empty place inside with donuts. I didn't even notice men. They may as well have been invisible.
Now, here I am. 235 pounds. Bigger than I was when I was 9 months pregnant. My feet are about to shatter from carrying the pounds they were not used to carrying. I am literally suffering under all the blubber. My body is suffering and my mind and soul are suffering more. I slowly began to get sick and damn tired of it. THEN......
I noticed a man. I wanted to flirt. OMG... I actually got excited about the guy who came to hook up my cable internet. LOL! He was attractive and I noticed!!! Of course, being an amoeba kept me from even making eye contact with him. So I decided if I were my old size I would be able to be the woman I used to be and actually feel good enough about myself to get a D-A-T-E. (Wouldn't you know it would have to do with a man again?!)
I don't wanna be skinny. I wanna be voluptuous. I want everything to still be round and supple. But, I want to get in shape, get strong, get a job as a cop and catch bad guys between catching "GOOD GUYS" for myself. lol. No I'm not a ho. It's just been two years and I'm darn tired of it. So, here I go!!!
