I am sad. Things are going very well in my life right now. We are finally settled, at least I think we are. We bought a house, and in this economy that means we are settled at least for awhile. I love my house- it is perfect and everything that I have always wanted. My huband is happy at work (finally), he feels like he is helping people and enjoys his staff. My kids are thriving. ds is loving school and dd and ds2 are loving all the things that we do and playing with friends and cousins. I have been so blessed. But all I can think about is how fat I am. I am so down on myself and I won't do anything to change it.
My in-laws are getting that lapband surgery. Part of me wants to just give in and do that but the other part of me wants to prove that I can do it- that I can lose the weight myself. What can I do to stop eating all the time? I am always eating, even when I am not hungry. I am so angry with myself! Whay can't I get it together? I know how to lose weight, I know all the right answers but I just keep eating. Oh I am so pathetic!!!
I am really not like this. I am a very positive and happy person. I plan like crazy how I am going to lose the weight. I plan meals and only buy healthy food. I bought a jogging stroller and excercise clothes. What is stopping me from just doing it? Oh right...it's the drive-thru at McDonalds. Just kidding but not entirely.
I love to blog- it helps me get my feelings out and figure out what I am really thinking. I think that blogging more will help. Or maybe I will join WW again. Or I can find a different route home that doesn't pass McDonald's. See I told you I know all the answers. Sad Sad Sad I need to get ahold of myself. Okay enough complaining. I'll figure it out.
I have not had a great week. I did the stuff that I should mostly. I went to the gym almost everyday and watched almost everything that I ate, and as a result I almost lost weight!! Hee Hee. I am really stressed right now and I always eat when I am, stressed.
Hubby wants to move again. We've only been here for 3 months. It's not an easy decision. And after weighing the options, it is what is best for our family. But I hate moving!! we have done it a lot in the almost 7 years that we have been married. I really feel for those military wives that move all the time and never get to be really settled. When we were first married we were both in school and then dh got into dental school and we moved a lot to figure out residency and (long story) so when he graduated in May I thought that we were ready to settle. Not so, we have moved twice since then. I think that this next move will be more permanent b/c he is signing a 2 year contract.
Sorry to vent, I just need to buckle down and decide what is important. I really do want to lose the weight. I want to be healthy and have energy. Plus, I want to be cute!! i am done complaining now. I am ready to get to work.
So, last night dh's mom and brother stayed with us. After dinner the kids usually have baths, but we ate late so we decided to skip them. Righ before putting the kids to bed we thought we heard water running, but dh said that his brother was taking a shower. Well, he wasn't!! After tucking the kids in, we discovered that my sweet 4 yr old dd had decided that she wanted to take a bath and had turned the tub on right after dinner- about an hour earlier. The tub had been running since and had overflowed into our bathroom and was starting to get our bedroom wet. I guess that our tub doesn't drain well. We spent the rest of the night using every towel in the house to soak up the water. At one point my dh was scooping water into a bucket- that's how much water there was- and he was close to going to buy a wet/dry vacuum, but stayed b/c he was worried that the water would leak through the ceiling to the first floor. Fun fun fun. I have to keep telling myself that I love my daughter. When we talked to her about it. She said, "but I wanted to take a bath." I guess that she just forgot to tell anyone that she was taking a bath. Kids!!
So, today was my third time at the gym. I really love it. I took my dh's ipod b/c the treadmills have tv's above them and you can tune your radio to the channel under the tv and listen to whatever is on the tv. It really made my walking fly by. Plus, then I didn't wonder if anyone was watching me. I am still a little self concious because I am bigger than anyone there. It's not that I think people are judging me or that I care, I just i don't know well like, I am the only one that takes my clothes with me to the shower- all the cute little girls (and even so me not so little and cute girls) walk around in towels. i don't know if there is any amount of weight that I could lose that would make me comfortable with people seeing what God gave me.
My kids actually love it there and are now asking to go, so that makes it easier for me. And it is nice to have a small rest from them. I feel like I am finally doing something for myself. Not that I don't love being a wife and mother, but it is nice to feel like I am taking care of myself, too.
So, I had my body assesment with a personal trainer today. Besides the fact that I am so not in shape, I had a good time. I really do like the endorphin rush that I get after excercising. It really is fun. And the kids had a blast in the kids area, so it looks like this will be good for everyone. But now I am really tired do I am going to bed. Goodnight!
I joined a gym! Well, actually my husband joined a gym for me. He called this morning and told me that he stopped on his way to work and signed us both up. I am nervous but excited. Apparently they have a really good kids program so I can drop off the rugrats and excercise. Maybe this will do it for me. I am surprised how much I am looking forward to going later today.
So, a ton has happened since I was last on. DH graduated dental school and we have joined the "real world" and although it is not as exciting as I thought it would be, I have to say that I much prefer earning money to racking up debt. anyone with student loans knows what I am talking about.
So, with all that happened this summer I let the diet go, and I gained back all the weight that I lost on ww last spring. But my ds started kindergarten yesterday and I decided that the beginning of a new school year is a perfect time to rededicate myself to getting healthy and losing weight. So, I am jazzed to get started. I weighed in tonight and after falling over from the shock at how much I have gained I am ready to move forward and start fresh- again lol. I have some really great rewards planned for the weight that i lose starting with new excercise clothes for the first 10 lbs. But then I was thinking that I should maybe give myself something (smaller) for each 5 lbs and then the bigger things on the 10 lb increments. Any thoughts or ideas?
Plus, I am thinking about joining a gym, but the last time that I belonged to a gym I was in a high school and very full of myself, but I remember how I looked at fat people when they came in, so I am embarrassed. My dh wants to join, he says that he has gained too much sympathy weight. lol And he just told me that he would buy me an ipod if I go to the gym 5 times a week for 3 weeks straight. Very tempting!! I never even thought about all the possibilities of gifts for other milestones- not just the pounds that I lose. I am starting to think that losing weight could be fun.
Now if I could figure out a way to not want french fries anymore...
So, this week was a bad one. Just a little update about me, I am living with my 3 kids 90 miles away from my husband while he finishes dental school and tries to sell our house. Being a "single mom" is tough- I think the people that have to do it for real are amazing. I can't wait to see my husband on the weekends, not only because I miss him so much, but I have come to value his help with the kids so much.
Anyways, about the bad week. Monday at weigh in I had gained 2 pounds. I was so depressed. Not surprised- although I did somehow hope that even though I had stuffed my face and not excercised all week the scale would magically day that I had lost weight ( I call it the hope enough to lose diet). So, Tuesday I thought that I would be good all week and show that scale. Ha!!! Instead, I decided to snack like crazy and wallow in my self pity. It's one direction to go, maybe not the best direction, but a direction.
Well, for the whole week I was really good all morning but right about 1:00 everyday I just ate whatever I wanted. There are a million things that I could blame it on, but each one is just a silly excuse. There may be some pschological reason behind my need to stuff my face, but I think that it is just that I love food- especially french fries.
So, yesterday I went to the grocery store with my dd and ds while my oldest ds was in preschool. I had made a list and menu planned so that I would only buy healthy food. My dd was helping and then decided it would be hilarious to run away from Mom and have her chase her throughout the store. Funny girl!! I had to push the cart after her because my ds was in the seatbelt. I tried everything, counting, threatening no treat, yelling, pleading, but she just kept running. I finally cut her off in the produce section and with tears rolling down my face (and completely out of breath) tried to explain to her how dangerous it was to run away and how someone could take her and I would never see her again. It must have been too much for her 3-year-old mind to comprehend because she looked up at me with he big green eyes and said, "Don't worry Mom you can visit me at the bad peoples house." But then after not receiving the customary treat at the checkout stand she (through tears also) said, "Mommy I will never run away from you again."
So, then I got home and went to put the groceries away and discovered that I had locked myself out of the house. The best part is I did the same thing last week. I don't have a deadbolt on the door and the bottom lock opens from the inside when it's locked so you have to unlock it from the inside to get in from the outside (did that make sense) Last week when I did it I climbed in the house through my bedroom window which I had neglected to lock. So after that I made sure all the windows were locked because I did not want someone else getting in my house! Upon realizing that I had locked myself out again and remembering that I had locked all the windows I put the kids and groceries back in the car and walked around the house checking each window. Good news- my house is impenatrable at least through the windows. So my last resort was the doggy door which I had closed up since we got rid of our dog last month. I tried to reach the latch to open it and then out of pure frustration I punched it as hard as I could. Doggy door- not impenatrable! So, I had my dd crawl through and open the door.
The funny thing was that I was laughing at the irony of my horrible day the whole time. I guess that I have a sense of humor- it seems that I have to have one with the crap that happens to me. I have also realized that prayer has helped me have better attitude about everything. Heavenly Father loves me, but also has a sense of humor.
So I lost 3 pounds at weigh in this week. Yea!! I am going to hope that the bars had nothing to do with it. My Valentine's Day is not the greatest, because I am away from my sweetheart. My hubby is trying to sell the house and finishing school, so we have to wait to have our Valentine's Day- but it isn't as depressing as I thought it would be. I have been concentrating on v-day with the kids. We wrote out their valentines last night, and this morning we made cookies for the grandparents. After my ds gets home from school we are going to deliver them. I also thought ahead and made some 1-point cookies for myself and used that nasty store bought frosting on the kids' cookies so I wouldn't be tempted to lick the knives as we were decorating.
I feel so good today. Physically, I am still a little sick and my bed sucks! So I did not sleep well, BUT I am just in a really good mood today, and I think that it has a lot to do with the choices that I have made. I haven't cheated or stopped for fast food, so I am not beating myself up like I usually do. I like feeling this way a lot more.
So my next big thing is figuring out excercise. I was walking with my mom twice a week. We stopped because she got sick, but she is better so maybe we will start that again. I can't do tapes when my kids are up, because they want to do it with me (which means ON me). Maybe I need to get up earlier- which shouldn't be a problem since I don't sleep on my concrete slab of a bed anyway. Did I mention that my bed is uncomfortable? my husband has the king with him and I miss it so much.
I think that I also want to start making weekly goals. I am so amazed at how much fun it is to blog. I look forward to it, and I think that it helps me stay focused on what I want. It really is for me- in fact I didn't even know that anyone else could see my blog until I got a comment- but if anything that I say can help anyone or inspire or even entertain than that is even better, right?
So Saturday, I felt the sickness coming on. The one that my kids had all last week and I have been somehow avoiding. My throat felt a little tingly so I drank a lot of orange juice. A lot! Which has seemed to work for me in the past. I was hungry but not too much. So I had one of those new Fiber One granola bars (that might not be what they are called) but I figured that fiber would be good plus they have a lot of other vitamins. It was so good! They are like candy bars. Anyway, I had like 3 more throughout the day and that is all I ate, oh and the orange juice. Big mistake! The sickness hit bad Saturday night, and then thanks to the bars I was visiting the bathroom regularly all night. I thought that I was going to die when Sunday morning finally came.
Needless to say I spent all day Sunday in bed- thanks to my wonderful husband. As a sidenote, when your husband watches the kids you can't be picky about what they eat or what they smell like right? He was being so sweet to just let me sleep, but when my baby came in smelling like pee I broke down and got up long enough to give him a bath. Then it was back to bed. I figured the kids would survive! lol
So today, hubby went back to work and so far I am feeling okay. My mom has the day off of work so she is helping out btw the first thing she did was bathe all three kids and make breakfast (I guess that is the difference between men and women.) Now the kids are down for nap and I think that everything will be okay. I feel a lot better.
So the point to all this is that while the fiber bars helped me lose a couple of pounds (accidently) I can't even look at the box without feeling a little nauseous. I guess the real test of whether or not it was a good idea will be when I weigh in tonight! Just kidding, I would never endorse laxatives as a form of weight loss. Not only the health risks, but the way I felt after accidently...well anyway not a good idea!
