Sunday's Slip-up
& Saturday’s snide comment from the hubby.
Did it really have to lead to the slip-up?
My hubby is out of town, so I only see him on the weekends. SO, Saturday as we were talking I told him, “Baby, I lost eight pounds!” To which he said, “Turn around you’ll find it!” and smiled, like he had said absolutely nothing wrong. I could do nothing but stare at him; the flames of furry ignited deep inside me. The smile faded from his face and said, “Don’t look at me like that!” This told me he could plainly see the fire and smoke billowing out of my ears! I was upset! Why put forth the effort if the accomplishment is only going to be met with criticism from the man I married? Angry I said, “Fine, I’m just going to eat cake!” He knows that sugar does an awful number on my stomach, so he says, “It’s just going to make you sick.” Time passed by and he tried to put out the fire… he said, “Baby, I’m just saying, if you were working out then instead of loosing 8 pounds you would have lost 18!” All I can think is, “Just Shut-up!”… So that’s what I said.
I get back home and begin to do things around the house all the while thinking, “I want cake!” knowing full well I don’t need it, it’s not on my diet, and most importantly it’s going to make me sick! But my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride for the last week… no, more like the last month and a half. There are days when knowing that Jason is gone, & I believe in heaven, is ok with me, I’m happy for him! But there are days when I just can’t believe he’s gone. To steal a line from Gray’s Anatomy, “I don’t want to live in a world where he doesn’t exist!!!”
So, what do I do…? I ride my emotional roller coaster all the way to Wal-mart and buy a mini carrot cake!! (which is about 3 ½” in diameter) I got home and proceeded to eat most of it! Of course it makes me sick, so I can’t finish it in one sitting. So, by this point in the day all I’ve had to eat is my typical breakfast, 2 hard boiled eggs and three-fourths of a carrot cake… so I’m sick! I fall asleep (because of the sugar) and then wake up at about 6 pm and have a grilled catfish fillet followed by the rest of the cake (about an hour latter).
Why did I do that? Monday morning I woke feeling like I had poison running veins. My whole body hurt. Today, my stomach is still not happy with me.
Why did I do it? Why give in to something that you know will only hurt you physically because you think it will make you feel better emotionally? & Why fight tooth and nail to not do something that you know is good for you both physically and emotionally? (I.e. working out) Why be stubborn to the point of hurting yourself?
Jason told me once (when my hubby and I were having issues back in October ‘05) that I want to get back at my hubby so badly that I’m willing to put my own health in danger to do it… he actually accused me of trying to give myself a heart attack just to get back at my hubby. Was he right? Is my mind THAT sick and twisted??? God I hope not!!
I have to learn that this body of mine isn’t really mine… it’s God’s temple. Would I go spray paint the church walls because I was upset? No! Would I do anything in the church to hurt the smallest element of it? No! Than why do I harm my body?
I really have got to get my emotions straighten out!! Because when that happens my body will fallow!
I'm back on track now... was as of Monday morning. I'm not going to beat myself up... I just need to do some real thinking!
…Sorry for going on and on, but thanks for listening!
