Because honesty really is the best policy.

[Be prepared for a long one today, folks. Any support would be appreciated.]

I kept trying to figure out why I had been avoiding this blog all week. I read your lovely comments, I checked your blogs out and followed your progress -- but at the same time, I have been slipping into a spiral and it has gotten pretty out of control.

I considered just coming back and being all "Alright, let's pick up and start again!" but I really think I need to address what goes on with me, if not just so that I recognise the signs next time, and can prevent going off the bender quite as badly.

I know realistically it's only been a week - and while I've gained a couple of kilograms, that's not what I'm worried about at this stage. What I *am* worried about, is that my old habits just came flying back. I gave myself a weekend off to not think about food, and I pushed that allowance - to the point where I consumed way too much food, making myself feel sick and miserable in the process. This week, I ate food secretly. I bought food home secretly. I ate it in my room with the door closed. This is me from six months ago . . . this is the old me.

Being sick is something that happens often for me, and realistically I couldn't change that if I tried - but I used that as an excuse too. If I'm not exercising, I might as well eat some crap now because you know what? I'll start again tomorrow! Or the day after! Or maybe next week! Scared of the scale? That's okay. I'll just skip this week's weigh in, and think about it next week.

For someone like me, that's not healthy. And it's dangerous. I don't want to get back into that cycle again, if I've learned anything it's that I can DO this sensibly. So why is it so easy to slip back into old habits?

I was thinking so much last night that I didn't sleep. At 6am this morning, I eventually drifted off into sleep, and the first thing I thought about when I woke up? Food. Not good.

So, now that I've put it out there, how disappointed I am with myself and my choices this week - I need to make some changes. I need to keep journalling what I eat and what exercise I do. I need to get some sort of routine in place, even though I have another week of holidays. I just need to get back on track.

And no more hiding.

[Sigh.]

Habits

Old habits are so easy to fall back into, and are comforting in a way.  No control!  No forcing yourself to exercise!  No need to work hard.  But the end result is misery and more than that, disappointment at letting yourself go.

You've worked too hard, Aly!  You know what you need to do and you know how to fix it.  The important thing is to catch yourself before you slip any further.  You CAN do this!  Look how far you've come.  You've got a level of awareness now that you never had before.  Use it.  You'll get back on track.  I know you will.

New start

I know exactly how you feel.  I fell into the same type of trap a few times.  I would feel terrible about my behavior, make excuses not to exercise, and eat to make myself feel better.

What I found is that you literally just have to pick yourself up and get moving.  It will be hard the first few times, but it won't be long until you remember the "endorphin high" you get from exercising, and you'll get back on track.  Get on that scale and face the facts, then ask yourself what you're going to do about it.  Look at any "before" pics you have on hand to motivate you.  You can do it!

Don´t worry!!

You´ll get back on track. Acknowledging and "accepting" that you have fallen for a few days is a huge start. And there are always bound to be setbacks here and there, you know. You simply can´t change life long habits over night. But you´re on such a good way to do so and you´ll get there. I know it´s really hard - I´m in a similar funk right now - but it´ll all turn out ok.

You´ll see - in a couple of days, you´ll be right back on track and doing just as great as you have been over the last weeks!!

Big big hugs to you!