Hazy Dreams
I had a very interesting conversation last night with my gentleman friend.
I've been talking to him since January 1st - at the time I never thought about how it was the New Year - but I guess I have started this Year with a different frame of mind.
He was very open about his feelings and hopes for the future.
I may have been taken by surprise by the fact that he said anything, but I am not fraking out yet.
I am not alarmed, I am not running and hiding, I am not looking at him like, "yeah, right". Those are things I may have done in the past to handle a situation Iike this. And then I would have eaten a box of Oreo cookies!
I am comfortable with him because I have become more comfortable in my own skin.
For so many of us, our weight is reflective of something so much more than over-eating and poor choices.
I have been hiding behind a wall of cushioning because I felt uncomfortable with myself and/or things that were happening around me, and I didn't know how to handle any of it. I so often have let things just happen to me, and not stood up for myself or said no. I never learned to say no to anyone in the right way. I also needed to learn to tell myself no, and also yes, where appropriate.
So for now, that is what I am focusing on. Learning when to say YES and when to say NO, to do what feels right for me, and not what anyone else says.......
I have wonderful, though still hazy, dreams for my future.
I have a great imagination. Fantasy can be a wonderful thing, it gives us a way to deal with the daily mundane, the abuses we face daily, and can liven up a world where life is just sort of not what you need right now to feel happy. But that imagination can also get you into trouble, if you can imagine away the fact that you are harming yourself. I was harming myself by allowing my Husband to treat me poorly. I was harming myself by over-eating. I was harming myself.
It has taken me years to get here, but I am dreaming again, and going after the dream, instead of just living in a fantasy world and hiding behind my cushion with me, myself, and my imagination.
I'm ready to try living on my terms again.
It feels really amazing!