I realized that I've only lost 2 pounds in the past 30 days. Oh, how I miss the start where I could drop 5 pounds in a week.
Just under 183 this morning, so I won't complain. I'll keep at it and weigh again on Monday. I have an appointment with my GYN, so I'll see what that scale says, too.
Ever notice how the scale at the MD's office is always higher than the one at home? My blood pressure is always higher there, too. Must have something to do with taking your clothes off. I hate medical appointments.
I fit into a pair of pants this morning that I couldn't wear a year ago. They were too small a month ago, for that matter. That felt good.
I'm trying to give up my control freak aspects. Maybe I can continue to concentrate all of that control freakiness on my food consumption. It seems better suited to accomplish something in that direction anyway.
I had a very interesting conversation last night with my gentleman friend.
I've been talking to him since January 1st - at the time I never thought about how it was the New Year - but I guess I have started this Year with a different frame of mind.
He was very open about his feelings and hopes for the future.
I may have been taken by surprise by the fact that he said anything, but I am not fraking out yet.
I am not alarmed, I am not running and hiding, I am not looking at him like, "yeah, right". Those are things I may have done in the past to handle a situation Iike this. And then I would have eaten a box of Oreo cookies!
I am comfortable with him because I have become more comfortable in my own skin.
For so many of us, our weight is reflective of something so much more than over-eating and poor choices.
I have been hiding behind a wall of cushioning because I felt uncomfortable with myself and/or things that were happening around me, and I didn't know how to handle any of it. I so often have let things just happen to me, and not stood up for myself or said no. I never learned to say no to anyone in the right way. I also needed to learn to tell myself no, and also yes, where appropriate.
So for now, that is what I am focusing on. Learning when to say YES and when to say NO, to do what feels right for me, and not what anyone else says.......
I have wonderful, though still hazy, dreams for my future.
I have a great imagination. Fantasy can be a wonderful thing, it gives us a way to deal with the daily mundane, the abuses we face daily, and can liven up a world where life is just sort of not what you need right now to feel happy. But that imagination can also get you into trouble, if you can imagine away the fact that you are harming yourself. I was harming myself by allowing my Husband to treat me poorly. I was harming myself by over-eating. I was harming myself.
It has taken me years to get here, but I am dreaming again, and going after the dream, instead of just living in a fantasy world and hiding behind my cushion with me, myself, and my imagination.
I just noted that I have reached the half-way point to my "Dream Weight" of 154 pounds.
I haven't weighed that little since age 18. I was a size 9, and that was back in the days of everything having little bitty waists, like jeans. No way the size 9's of today are the same as 20 years ago.
My "Real Goal" of 170 pounds is seeming to be more realistic than ever. 17 pounds, I could do that, (I think to myself)
I am at the smallest I've been forever- 183 was my pre-pregnancy weight about 11 years ago. I am wearing a size 12 in most everything, and I went shopping in my sister's cast-offs to find them.
She's down to a size 10 herself, and I like the idea of reaching that point, too.
===============================================
As for "Mr. Wonderful", I am still talking to him, and e-mailing. That's all.
I think weight-loss is like drug rehab, no sexual affairs during the process. I may re-think it in the future, but for now, if he likes me as much as he says he does- he'll wait.
In the meantime, well, the idea of dating again is surely assisting me in my efforts to keep the food intake down. Talk about butterflies. Am I really dating again?
===============================================
I am still doing the Metabolic diet, I am eating healthier than I ever have before. (Not including the Tequila and the diet sodas, of course.)
Breakfast is two eggs, or an egg and an ounce of cheese, 1/2 of an English muffin or 2 pieces of light Wasa crisp bread. Lunch is salad vegetables with 4 ounces of lean meat (chicken or tuna are easy to do at work), and I'm supposed to have a fruit, but I always forget to bring it.
So at dinner, I have a fruit first, then 8 ounces of vegetables, and another 4 ounces of lean protein. You can also have a 40 calorie bread or similar. Sometimes I have 1/2 of a sushi roll, and count the rice in it as my starch.
You also can add extra proteins through the day. I figure it's about 1200 calories on most days, unless I don't add the extra proteins.
I've been hanging at 190 for several weeks, through TOM, through drinking Tequila last Saturday, and through days of high protein and fresh vegetables. Hopefully by Friday there will be movement downward on the scale.
I have everything ready to take to the Attorney's office, the check is written, the details worked out (I hope), so perhaps, before the summer, I will be free to be me again.
I have been trying to get back to me again for over 2 years. It has taken me almost two years to lose these 30 pounds (up and down), and I have 20 more to go to be healthy.
For some reason, filing out these papers for a divorce has taken a load off of my shoulders. I am breathing easier and I am ready to lose the next 20, along with the 220 pounds of dead-weight hanging around my neck.
I even used my Soloflex a bit this week, slowly using muscles in my back and neck that haven't been used much at all for years.
So, nothing much, just trying to be healthy, eat healthy, and have an occassional fun night without going overboard.
First of all, I hate it when I feel skinny and the scale says something different! My 14's are hanging on me, though, so I will ignore the dial and check it again in a few days.
Today is the day of my appointment with a Family Law Attorney, therefore the title of today's ramblings.
I am so excited, so happy, so elated, to finally feel as if I am free to divorce my unhappiness of the past 10 years. We are agreeing on almost everything, including that it's time to let go.
It didn't even bother me much to see him this past weekend. It was our son's 10th birthday, and I told him he was free to drop by the Go-cart track we were going to. I felt some minor annoyance at his lingering presence, but he got the hint and left me alone. It's hard for him to remember that I am not his wife anymore. He still tries to be touchy-feely, and I am not cool with that. Hand-shakes are more than enough for me.
Whew. It feels good. I am not even dreading the legal proceedings (yet), because we've been separated for so long, it's just the legal snip. All of the other stuff has been dealt with.
I have a lot less baggage than one would assume. Ready, set, let go. Silly movie- but the premise is good.
So, yes, I can say, I am done. Physically, Mentally, Spiritually, I am divorced, now, I just need to get the courts to agree with me!
I'll weigh-in in a few days. Hope to see some fresh, new, happy blogs from all of you!
Sometimes the limitations of the blog space here is so frustrating. Where's the cut and paste?
I just wrote a comment to Kache- about being open to new opportunities.
Maybe we become so short-sighted that we forget there is more out there than what is right in front of us.
Like in making food choices - do I really want to eat that piece of pizza or wait for another hour for the Japanese grill place? Think forward, girl, think ahead.
I need to stop worrying with the instant gratification, and think about what's down the road.
--------------------
For instance, I just started dating again. Dating can mean a lot of things now. It doesn't have to mean even meeting someone. You can have a whole date on a computer.
That said, I've probably been dating for years, because I've been cruising the personals sites for sometime now, without making much contact. Recently, there has been a plethora of men to choose from. Hum. Maybe weighing less has made my personality more date-able sounding on line?
So recently, I've made a lot of contacts, narrowed it down to one I'd like to meet, and lo and behold, after 2 months of emails and a few phone calls and a week-end of dating, I have a new friend.
Huh. Who woulda thunk it? I stopped being all prickly and let someone interesting in a bit- and HE LIKES ME! He's seen the real me, nothing held back, and HE STILL LIKES ME.
Wow. After years of being treated as if I just wasn't friendly enough, out-going enough (by my husband) , whatever, I found a man who LIKES my personality.
I also learned that I am not meant to be put aside- like in Toy Story, where the old toys are put on the shelf, and taken down and dusted off, and someone goes, hummm? how long has this been there - so long I don't need it anymore....... Well, that's how I felt when I was married.
What a waste of my potential. Women need to be cherished, admired, trusted, loved, respected - so we can bloom. I feel like I have suddenly been taken out of winter storage- like an old tulip bulb.
____________________
Expand your vision of who you are and what your life can be like. Stop letting others put you in a box. If you can imagine it, why can't you be it? You can. You can. You can be anything that you want to be.
If it sounds like a fairy tale, stop listening to the story with a cynical ear. People who say fairy tales aren't real have given up. Don't give up.
Oh, my, I'm starting to sound like the Blue's Clues movie!
The trick to having your prayers come true is to ask for the right things.
I am half-way through the third day of "Project Jumpstart".
Raspberry Balsalmic Vinegar can work wonders on baby greens.
Cottage Cheese is an amazing thing- How can you fit 13 grams of protein in 1/2 a cup for only 90 calories?
I am trying to focus on the goal: on Saturday, day 5 - I get to eat an Egg at Breakfast and Tuna at lunch.
Small steps, small goals. Making it through 4 days, then the next 6, then keeping my eye on those size 12's in my closet, and then, well, I guess if I behave myself I will get to go shopping for 10's.
I haven't fit in a size 10 in over 12 years. I remember the general era, my baby boy turns 10 today, and just before I conceived him, I had started to gain weight. I was about a 12 then, about 10 pounds lighter than I am today. By the time I had him, my body was so out-of-sorts, I couldn't fit in ANYTHING, I had to borrow shirts from my Father!
Why did it take me so long to get off the Roller-Coaster, and how do I stop myself from getting back on it?
I stopped worrying about how I looked. I forgot I was important, too. I remember that now. I am Important to me!
I made it through day one on Meta-Slim, not starving yet, but surely looking forward to breakfast this morning. One ounce of cheese on a wasa crisp and 1/2 of an orange with a cup of black coffee. Now I just need to make it until 11 AM for my protein drink.
I was watching on television the stories of people who are 6 or 7 hundred pounds. It was interesting to see that they live in denial of how much they eat. It wasn't any different from what I have done I the past, just on a grander scale (no pun intended).
How often have I had 10 oreos at one sitting, or a box of chocolate over a weekend? Thinking, I will worry about this later, it's not important, I don't care if I gain weight, just let it go, it's not that bad, it's not that much.........
Oh, it's hard to admit. Now that I am within 30 pounds of "normal range" weight, it's even harder to believe that I did that. It's hard to believe that I've gone off-track so many times. If I had stuck to Meta-Slim 21 onths ago, or to NutriSystem a year ago, I would already be in the 160's- which is where my goal is.
I hope I can come back in a few weeks and write all about how it feels to be in the 180's, then the 170's, and to reach 169 for the first time in 14 years- that will be a day for celebration.
I am starting back on the Meta-Slim diet today. I'm down to 193 according to my scale, so I am happy with my progress, but I am in diet-mode right now- physically and mentally ready for it- so here goes.
Days 1 - 4 are a real jump-start.
Breakfast is 1 ounce of hard cheese (mozzarella, swiss, cheddar, etc.) 1/2 of a small orange, 1 slice of 40 calorie bread, and you can have decaf coffee or tea (no cream or sugar).
Mid moring you are to have a high protein snack, which you can buy from different sources, including Herbal Life- it's a gelatin-based drink.
Lunch is another protein drink (the drinks are about 80 calories) and 1/2 cup of lowfat cottage cheese or 2 ounces of hard cheese, and 8 ounces of salad vegetables.
Afternoon, another protein drink
Dinner 4 oz of lean white meat (turkey, chix, tuna, fish)
4 ounces of salad vegetables, 4 ounces of cooked vegetables, and 1 slice of 40 calorie bread.
Evening, you can have another protein drink.
I know this sounds extreme to some, but it's only for 4 days, and it works.
------------------------------------
My date this weekend was wonderful, and one night turned into three in a row. We'll see how things progress. I won't be able to see him again for at least two weeks, which gives me time to focus on myself and my eating habits. I am smiling all the time though, and I am sure that smiling uses more calories than mope-ing around does.
Sometimes the limitations of the blog space here is so frustrating. Where's the cut and paste?
