Food is my addiction. People understand addiction to cocaine, meth, and alcohol, so why can't they understand that food is addictive as well. It's my drug of choice. I think about it most of my day. I think about when I can get my next fix, but without making anyone suspicious. I might not even want fast food, but it's like this compulsion telling me to get it anyway, "You really do want me." And then I eat it and I feel sick, sick to my stomach. I feel this overwhelming urge to throw up, but I won't, I never do. It's just this feeling of complete and utter disgust with myself and the choices I make in regards to food. I have my life together in every other avenue of my life, so why does this consume me? How can I move past it? You can't abstain from food, you need it to survive, and that's why I think food is possibly the worst addiction to have. Most 12 step groups practice abstinence from the drug of choice. Well, what do you do when your drug of choice is also the very thing you need to survive and live?

 

I remember when I weighed 180 pounds. I told myself "I'll never allow myself to get to 200." Then I hit the 200 mark and I told myself "I'll never allow myself to get to 300." And here I am, FOUR pounds away from 300!!! And it only gets worse...no one ever says "Hey, I want to be one of those 800 pound people on the news that needs an ambulance to escort me to doctor's visits." That's not ANYONE's lifelong goal and dream that they want to aspire to. So it got me thinking...if I continue on this path, food WILL kill me and I WILL be one of those people who cannot walk or leave the house. I don't want that! I enjoy life too much. I have too many interests!

 

I'm tired of not being able to lift my leg up to put my underwear or socks on. I'm tired of having a hard time getting on the floor with the kids I work with because of this damn belly. I'm sick and I'm tired of being sick and tired all of the time.

 

This is a quote that resonates with me: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

 

I'm tired of being tight in a bud, a slave to my weight and food addiction. I'm ready to bloom and become the beautiful flower that I know I am on the inside. I'm just ready to show the world now...

I swore I'd never get to 200 again, and I did, I was positive I'd NEVER get to 250 and I did. I swore I'd never go past 250... and I have. I know if I do not stop thinking and talking about making changes, I'll get to 300.  You're right, no one ever expects to be 800 lbs.

 

As for the quote, I have that on my FB page. It's my motto for the year. I have vast changes to make in my life - specifically not hiding behind my weight and my hermitage I've created.  I'm dying inside, and out, I'm not allowing the bud to breathe let alone blossom.  

Let's plant our gardens! Bloom, baby, bloom!

 

Sue

Thanks to you both for the kind comments!

 

Sandie: I love you my BFF!

 

Sue: I too am using that quote as my motto this year. I'm trying to change and grow in many areas of my life and that quote fits perfectly. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

You mention the 12 step programs to break addiction:  have you looked into OA hon (Overeaters Anonymous)?  Check it out online.

 

(( HUGS )) and good luck!