Today I went to Walmart with my mom and I didn't even have the urge to buy anything! All that junk food, the endless supply of things that are so not good for me, and the only thing I bought were some Weight Watchers ice cream bars for those sugar cravings I anticipate to have. Usually I go through a grocery store and see all of these things I want and feel pulled to buy - and eat. But not today. Today, I was pumped! Today, I was excited about eating right. I was also busy, so I know that helped. And I didn't even eat all of my allotted calories today! Not that I meant to, it just happened that way. I think I had about 500 or so calories left over. Whoah! :)
Another good thing about my trip to Walmart today was that I walked all over the store. I know that might not be a lot to some people, but that was good exercise for me. I live a very sedentary lifestyle, so getting back into exercise is a process for me. I felt good walking around and felt I got a good walk in.
On February 27th I went to the doctor and I weighed 307 pounds! I couldn't believe my eyes. I said I'd never get to 300, let alone over 300.
I loathe scales. I hate weighing. But it is a necessary evil. I just can't let myself become consumed by a number. So today I weighed. I got on the scale, looked at the number, and said "WHHHAAAAATTTT?????" out loud. The number read 295.5!!!!! So I got on the scale again. Well, the scale must be right. I must have lost 11.5 pounds in the past month.
I couldn't believe my eyes, but you better believe I did a happy dance! I'm not used to seeing that significant of a drop on a scale. Usually I see that significant of an increase on the scale. LOL. I would like to say that I'm proud of myself, but a part of me is waiting for the ball to drop, for the scale to tell the truth and say that I actually weigh much more than 295.5. I mean, what could I have done to lose weight? Me? No...I'm not capable of that...
That's where my confidence has been for a very long time. But obviously, I am capable of losing the weight. The scale says so. I need to stop being so hard on myself and be happy with myself. How do you do that when you are your toughest critic???
11.5 is something to happy about! I need to be happy and in the moment and stop thinking about how I'm going to screw up. I know, that's not a positive way to think, but like I said, I'm my toughest critic. I'm ready to stop this cycle though. So I'm patting myself on my back and telling myself, "GOOD JOB ALLISON! YOU ROCK!!!" And so far today, I'm just under my caloric intake for the day. Keep it up, Allison. Keep it up!
I don't think I've ever realized how important calorie counting really is! I have the My Fitness Pal app on my phone. I've been tracking my food intake for the past two days and I am amazed at how many calories, fat, etc. I consume! I thought I was really cutting back and doing well, but when I look at all of the calories that come from snacks, I realize that I've been going over my allotted calories for the day. And then I find myself wanting to snack more, even though I know I've exceeded my caloric intake for the day. No one said this would be easy! For as long as I can remember, people have told me to "track your food, track your calories, your fat, your carbs." I fully understood today the importance of this daunting task!
In focusing on the positive, I might be going over my calories, but I know I am also making better choices in what I eat. I know things don't change overnight. They say a habit takes 28 days to break. How long do rehab programs last? At least 28 days. But then most people go into outpatient therapy afterwards, sometimes for 90 days. I know I've had these bad habits for 30 years. I know it's going to take more than 28 days to break these habits. I'm trying to remember to live one day at a time and not overwhelm myself. Each day leads to another day and another week and then before you know it, a month has gone by.
When I thought about all of the fast food places and restaurants I pass by, I thought, "No wonder I always feel tempted." Then I realized. I'm tired of defining a road or my route home by the restaurants and food places I pass. So today, instead of focusing on all of the temptations and food places, I tried to focus on the beauty. I looked at the blooming flowers. I tried to make a different experience for myself. I think if I take it one day at a time and focus on each moment, before I know it, I won't feel as tempted and pulled towards those food places.
Here's to another day, another opportunity full of choices and chances!
So I'm looking back and I can't believe I've been blogging on here since 2006! I promised myself I wouldn't focus on the negative in this post. My friend and I talked about focusing on the positive things we've done rather than focusing on all of the negative things. I would like to say one thing though. I've been on here since 2006 and I'm still struggling. I weigh more than I did when I started. My health continues to deteriorate. And I don't say all of this as a negative, but as a fact. I'm pretty close to rock bottom. This addiction to food is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. I was in the ER about a week and a half ago due to abdominal pain. I deal with anxiety and depression. I have PCOS. I have HBP. I'm on the verge of becoming diabetic. You'd think all of this would be enough to get me to lose weight, but it hasn't been. But I think the culmination of all that's been going on in the past year and a half has brought me to a breaking point. I realize that my addiction is killing me. So I ask myself, "Is this going to get me where I want to be in the future???" Any time I want something to eat that isn't very healthy, I try to ask myself that. Sure, it might satisfy some inner, deep longing for a few minutes, but it's not going to help me in the long run.
So focusing on the positive is a new point of view I'm trying to take in my life. It's so funny. In all other areas of my life I am a pretty optimistic person. But when it comes to my eating and weight, I am extremely hard on myself. I focus on all the "bad" things I do. It's a vicious cycle. I want to stop that cycle. I want to conquer this addiction.
The positive things I did today: I ate a sandwich for lunch. It wasn't loaded with the "fixins'" or anything. It was just a plain sandwich. I didn't count calories and all that, but I felt good about my choice.
On my way home I was having major cravings. I pass by so many restaurants and fast food places on my way home, that all I could think about what stopping somewhere to satisfy my cravings. But I talked myself out of stopping (woohoo) and I went home and ate an apple before I started cooking dinner.
For dinner I made a cabbage casserole. I cooked the cabbage in fat free, low sodium chicken broth with onions and Adobo seasoning. I then sauteed ground beef and drained the fat. I combined the ground beef with rice and 2 cans of diced tomatoes. I put a layer of the cabbage in the dish, then a layer of the ground beef and rice, and so on, making the casserole. I found this recipe on kraftfoods.com and the calories for the serving was 260. I definitely made a smarter choice for dinner.
For a snack, I had some hummus and pita chips. A little later I had a piece of key lime pie. I'm okay with this choice for dessert and let me explain why. I had been craving key lime pie for several days. I have found that it is not good to deny ourselves to the extreme. So, instead of buying an entire pie, I bought the singles in the frozen section and I had a piece of pie. I feel like everything I chose today was a good choice. I'm feeling positive about my day. So all in all, I had a good day.
Tomorrow I will try to drink at least 3 bottles of water. I love water, but I struggle with drinking enough each day. That's my daily goal. Good night all!
Wow, I can't believe it! I'm actually moving to Ohio! I finally made the decision to move a few days ago. Why Ohio you ask? Because my BFF lives in Ohio. Of course I'm not moving just to be near my BFF. Here's the skinny:
I've lived in Georgia my whole life (that's almost 29 years as of April 12). I've always had a desire to move out of Georgia to try something new, have a new experience. Don't get me wrong...I love Georgia and it will always be my home. I will probably wind up back in Georgia eventually. But now I am at a place where I'm not tied down to anything. I'm not married, I don't have a boyfriend, and I will be done with school in August. I've prayed and thought long and hard about this decision. I've gone back and forth. I've let my fears rule my emotions and thoughts. But no more! Is it going to be scary moving from the only place I've ever known? HELL YEAH! But, I know this will be a good opportunity for me.
I write these thoughts here on extrapounds for the privacy. If I posted something on FB then EVERYONE would be sending me comments, and I'm just not ready for that yet. I want to tell the people I care about one-on-one and I've not been able to tell everyone yet. I don't want them to find out about such a major decision via FB. But as I'm sitting here working on a school project, I got this overwhelming urge to share the news. I'm excited and that let's me know this is a good thing, a very good thing.
How does this move relate to my weight loss journey? Well, my BFF is also on extrapounds. Her and I both struggle with weight and we try to motivate each other, but living so far away is difficult. So, when I move up to Ohio we'll be able to be each other's workout buddies, motivate each other, and take turns cooking and making wise decisions.
So, I'm excited about the possibilities. I'm a little scared about the job factor, but I know God's got this under control. Can't wait until September!!!
So in yesterday's post I was speaking about food as an addiction and how no one aspires to weigh 800 pounds, but it happens before you know it. Well, here is a woman who aspires to weigh 1,000 pounds! I'm not writing this to bash her or anything. I'm writing this because I am dumbfounded. Why in the world would you want to weigh that much? She already weighs 600 pounds and can barely get around. She has two small children. What about their futures? Does she not want to see them grow up? Whoah...I'm speechless.
Food is my addiction. People understand addiction to cocaine, meth, and alcohol, so why can't they understand that food is addictive as well. It's my drug of choice. I think about it most of my day. I think about when I can get my next fix, but without making anyone suspicious. I might not even want fast food, but it's like this compulsion telling me to get it anyway, "You really do want me." And then I eat it and I feel sick, sick to my stomach. I feel this overwhelming urge to throw up, but I won't, I never do. It's just this feeling of complete and utter disgust with myself and the choices I make in regards to food. I have my life together in every other avenue of my life, so why does this consume me? How can I move past it? You can't abstain from food, you need it to survive, and that's why I think food is possibly the worst addiction to have. Most 12 step groups practice abstinence from the drug of choice. Well, what do you do when your drug of choice is also the very thing you need to survive and live?
I remember when I weighed 180 pounds. I told myself "I'll never allow myself to get to 200." Then I hit the 200 mark and I told myself "I'll never allow myself to get to 300." And here I am, FOUR pounds away from 300!!! And it only gets worse...no one ever says "Hey, I want to be one of those 800 pound people on the news that needs an ambulance to escort me to doctor's visits." That's not ANYONE's lifelong goal and dream that they want to aspire to. So it got me thinking...if I continue on this path, food WILL kill me and I WILL be one of those people who cannot walk or leave the house. I don't want that! I enjoy life too much. I have too many interests!
I'm tired of not being able to lift my leg up to put my underwear or socks on. I'm tired of having a hard time getting on the floor with the kids I work with because of this damn belly. I'm sick and I'm tired of being sick and tired all of the time.
This is a quote that resonates with me: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin
I'm tired of being tight in a bud, a slave to my weight and food addiction. I'm ready to bloom and become the beautiful flower that I know I am on the inside. I'm just ready to show the world now...
Well I worked out again yesterday. I did 25 minutes on the treadmill. I'm trying to have a goal of 20-25 minutes of working out. Since I have gone from no kind of activity, I don't want to get bogged down by trying to do a lengthy workout. I want to ease into it. I want to make 20 minutes a habit, then move on, take this exercising thing on gradually. Maybe I won't despise it as much and will start to enjoy it. I mean when you run marathons you don't go from zero to a 2K overnight do you? Well, I'm using this logic with my workouts too.
I also want to try to get up just 20-30 minutes earlier in the morning so I can accomplish my workouts first thing in the morning. That way I don't feel so overwhelmed by the time I get home from work to accomplish this because it would have already been done. If I have time and feel like it I could do more in the evening, but the important thing is to just get some sort of movement started. This will be hard. I'm not a morning person, but I must do something. I'll be starting school tomorrow and will be even more pressed for time, so the morning is really my only option.
I picked up my bridesmaid dress from getting altered Saturday. It was depressing when trying to zip the dress. I haven't gained weight since the fitting, but the idiots at the shop didn't order a size bigger like they are supposed to. And the way the dress is made and fit and the way my body shape is, it's a snug fit in the back section. I was blessed with a booty, what can I say! So I'm trying to do crunches and hopefully I can lose about 5-10 pounds in a couple of weeks. I might want to start watching what I eat though. That's the hardest part I think. I have to trick my mind into not feeling like I'm depriving myself. This is the key...
Well, that's all for now. I hope everyone had a fantabulous weekend! Now back to the daily grind!!!
Yesterday I was tired, I didn't want to do anything, but I knew I had to do a little something, so I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes. Then I did a little bit of weight lifting with 5 pound weights to work on my triceps. I also did some crunches and sit ups. I'm trying to lose a few pounds in the midsection before May 19th because I am a bridesmaid in a wedding and the way the dress fits, it's a little snug in the midsection. I can't keep saying, "oh I'll workout tomorrow," because then I just put off tomorrow until the next tomorrow and so on.
I've heard it takes anywhere from a month to six weeks to form a habit. So a few months ago I had the intention of making exercise a habit and priority in my life. I did really well for two to three weeks, but then I just kind of fizzled out as usual. But I'm willing to attempt this again. It is going to be hard since I work full-time and am about to start graduate school, but I know I have to make the time, that this has to become a part of my life. I'm tired of weighing 260 pounds. I'm tired of having knee troubles. I'm tired of being out of breath with the slightest excursion. I'm tired of being limited because of my weight and size. I'm tired of having PCOS, metabolic problems, period problems, blood pressure problems, cholesterol problems, and health problems. I'm just tired of being this way. I want to be healthy, happy, feel good and feel comfortable with myself. I MUST achieve this. It will be a long process, but my life depends on it.
I haven't updated in almost a year, which you know what that means, I haven't really done anything in that long either. But I want to get back on my quest for good health and weight loss. I'm not sure what I'll do. I don't have the resources to join a gym or a weight loss program, so I'll just have to do things on my own. I do know that when I get insurance again I am going to seek medical assistance with a nutritionist and in the endocrinology field as well. I think this will help immensely! Also, I want to see a lady that does work call Irradology. My mom knows two people that have used her and have found amazing results, not only in weight loss, but cancer remission as well!
I'm having a hard time making time for exercise. I commute into Atlanta for work everyday. I'm gone from 6:20am to 6pm. Once I get home I'm exhausted and have to prepare for the next day. Then next week I'll be starting grad. school. I'll have classes from 6-9pm two nights a week. I know working out on these days just won't be an option, unless I utilize the morning hours or my lunch break. All I know is that I have to figure something out. I will not lose weight and get in better shape if I do not work out. Plus, once I get more used to working out, I always feel better. I need to for the energy as well. Once I start school I'm going to need all the energy I can get!
Good luck to my buddy Sarah who started WW this week! You'll do great girl! LUMI!
