A beautiful Thursday in Montana

When it rains it pours!

So.  It seems that my life can get more chaotic.  I really thought with making the decision to leave my alcoholic husband and get a place for me and my sons that things would start getting better.  On Wednesday, the 15th of October, my youngest child, my 17 year old son, attempted to end his life with a large overdose of Tylenol.  Messed with his liver functions for a few days.  Finally, Saturday he was medically stable for transport to a Childrens Psychiactric hospital and since Wednesday has said about 3 sentences to me.  Apparently, he is PISSED off at me.

I made the decision on my way back from the hospital which is 90 miles one way, that I was going to file for divorce.  My son needs to know that I am going to follow through this time.  He doesn't trust me to get us out of this situation that has become more and more chaotic over the last couple months.

However, I am still taking my anti depressants and meds for my diabetes and my clothes are hanging on me.  What a way to start the weight loss process. 
Just wanted to vent a little and since my internet got disconnected thanks to hubby, I don't get on line much.  Hope all is well in your worlds.

Cara's Decisions

 Finally have come to the point of making some decisions instead of sitting on the fence wavering between one choice or another.  It feels pretty good, I feel like I am "lightened" by making some choices and then being pro active with the choices.

I decided to go to therapy without my husband as he is not engaged in it and only says what he thinks we want to hear. 

After 3 weeks of being sober my husband started drinking again and has made living in this house a nightmare.  During that three weeks of sobriaty he was not a bundle of joy either. It was during that time that I made my next decision.

I am leaving my husband.  Drunk or sober he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

In an "Aha" moment last week I realized that I  am smothering my children and that one of the reasons is that I don't want them to "grow up" and leave the nest because I don't want to be alone with him.  Not a fear thing mind you but the fact that even though I will always love him, I do not like the man that he has become.  He is mean, crude, and uncaring as well as selfish and bitter. 

I saved and stashed and opened my very own bank account.

 I cut up the card to the one that has his name on it and as soon as the direct withdrawal for my phone cards comes out I am taking my name off of it. I left the bank book in a locked drawer at work and I walked out of the bank feeling like I was 20lbs lighter and I KNOW I was standing up taller.

So there are a few choices as well as the fact that I have chosen to take my meds regularly and I have chosen to not eat candy or regular soda.  These are my choices and I make them not because I have to but because I want to. 

Today I am grateful for the sun shining and having a day off.

Late but not forgotten

So I did go to the Doctor on the first.  I can't believe I haven't posted since then.  I did update my weight log.  Unfortunately, I am up to 330.5.  Fortunately, my Doc didn't give me the riot act.  She listened, prescribed, and drew blood and ordered me in for a physical next month.  GAAAWWWD.  The only thing they couldn't do is urine for diabetes because apparently even though I spend half of my waking hours in the bathroom, I can not pee on demand.  LOL. 

Doc put me back on anti-depressents and a new diabetes med and I am being VERY consistant with taking the meds.  I however did not read the prescription and was taking the anti depressents twice a day with the diabetes meds, whoops.  So on track now and guess what???  I hate a half bowl(not a big bowl either) of goulash for dinner and was FULL.  I think the diabetes med has an appetite suppressant.  I finished the bowl a couple hours later and feel SOOO full.  I can do this.

Now I decided to start making a list of things that I am doing to better myself and already I have some good things. 

                       Cara's Pro Activeness
1. Started seeing the counselor with out my husband.
2.Went to the doctor and got on meds
3.Set up my very own bank account that hubby has no access to and have
    saved 300 dollars towards my own place

October 1st

So today I am finally going to the Doctor for the first time in over 3 years. I will have an official weight tonight or tom morning.  This should be good.

Some things going through my mind

So I decided to take an extra day off this week.  I have enough PTO(paid time off) to cover it so I just did it.  I didn't tell hubby I was doing it either.  I think that rather shocked him.  I go to the Dr. tomorrow which is one of my normal days off and I work at the golf course for 3 hours on Thursday, another normal day off.  I wanted one day that I wasn't going to have to "be" somewhere.  I had to take hubby and son to work but that is about it until 4pm when I have to pick up hubby.  I sat on my butt and finished reading a book and then my son helped me clean up the kitchen.  I made some macaroni and milk for lunch and just have been veggin.  I did get a shower in before all of that and feel ok.

I have been having some pretty serious thoughts about running away.  I live in a house with three grown, or almost grown men and my son's fiance and one dog.  The only ones I am having any real warm fuzzy's toward are the fiance and the puppy.  I am so tired of everyones attitudes and temper tantrums that I seriously told my oldest son that I did not  HAVE to be here, that I would just as happy getting myself a one bedroom or studio apartment within walking distance from work and the three of them (the men) could just figure it all out themselves.  Oldest son is ALWAYS crabby, defensive, and not very motivated.  He is disrepectful to both me and hubby.  I usually just bite back at him and that works but hubby goes off and has a tantrum.  What was supposed to be a family meeting and menu planning session was ruined by their behavior.  If the youngest son is talking to anyone(a loner) you never know what kind of mood he will be in.  I am sick of them all.  SOOOOOO with these thoughts in my mind constantly lately, I made a seperate appointment with my counselor for tomorrow.  I am definately going on anti biotics again.  I guess I want someone to either tell me I am crazy and commit me or tell me that I am not.  I know my kids faults, I know that they are spoiled but so is hubby and the three of them together is driving me nuts.  On the other hand I came to another realization.  I am holding the boys close to me, protecting and babying because I really don''t know if I want it to be just me and my husband.  Told you I was nuts......any way if anyone reads this and has ever felt like this please let me know.  I am afraid of acting on my feelings right now.

Can a Monday be any longer than 24 hours???

Been at work for almost 5 hours and it seems like fifty.  The powers that be provided us with fried chicken for lunch because we have been getting hit so hard.  I think it was so that some of us would volunteer to work through our lunch hours, but I did not.  The phone calls start stressing me out when they are back to back and I need a full hour down time if all I do is walk around the block a few times.  We have a fitness center here and I actually looked in the door today.  I have only worked here for 9 months after all can't find everything at once, lol.  They do not have a tread mill but they do have a recumbant bike and I did go in and look at it, so there is a step closer.  I am going to the doctor next week and then I am going to work on getting here to work early and using the bike then showering and going to work in the am's.  It's a thought anyway.  

Marriage Counseling 101.....Take care of self....

So we went to the counselor and guess what?? As usual I worry to much about taking care of everyone else and not enough about myself.  Go figure.  I am 43 years old and have been taking care of alcoholics and kids since I was in the 2nd grade.

Our counselor, I will call her "S", sorta kinda threw a fit when she realized that I have not been taking meds or seeing a Dr. for my Diabetes.  She looked "K" in the eyes and asked him if he realized that this was a life and death decision I was playing with and that not treating it could kill me.  I think he was actually shocked to find this out.  I have put of Dr's and meds because he is not all that supportive.  He thinks anti-depressents are a crutch.  I bit my tongue hard when I wanted to say "What is alcohol".  But I didn't. 

I won't blame the not going to the doc on him.  I have had insurance since April and I have avoided it.  I am very good about avoiding things that I don't want to do.  I am TERRIFIED that going to the doctor will actually  make me sick.  I mean I know I have diabetes, I know I have depression, I know I have sores under my arms and breasts that do not heal correctly and I KNOW I am overweight.  But what if she finds something REALLY wrong with me.  LOL.  I do not feel like I can depend on my hubby for support and I honestly feel that if something like the big "C" were to enter my life he would go off the deep end and I would not have the emotional support I would need to fight something like that so therefore, I just don't want to know if I have anything.
Ok vent, rage, feel sorry for myself. 

So ok..........I have an appointment on October 1st.  I told them to not schedule me a five minute spot.  I told them I wanted to discuss a plethera of ailments.  I told my hubby that I am going back on anti depressants and meds for diabetes and I DID go out and buy the childs plate.  It was only .96 cents so I got two and they are divided, have lids and are microwave and dw safe.  So I AM trying..........

Some random thoughts

I have been thinking about something for the last few days.  I read in a magazine about a woman losing weight, the thing that caught my eye was that for dinner she had unlimited salad veggies, milk, and then her dinner was served on a child size plate.  She ate very slow and threw away what she didn't eat.  I have had a salad the last couple nights about ten minutes prior to eating the main course.  Last night, I ate only about half of my macoroni and cheese.  I did have two hot dogs too but I was so full that I threw it away.  I never do that.  I always "force" myself to finish what I served up.  My thought is going to get a cute set of childrens dishes.  Winnie the Pooh or something.  A bowl,plate, and maybe a cup for when I can not go without a soda, usually I drink 2% milk with dinner, but sometimes Pepsi.  Its been rattling around in my head and I told my DH(yes he is back, sober, and in counseling as well as we are starting marriage counseling tomorrow) and he did not sabatoge the idea.  So there is some news.  I will let you all know how it works.  I have not weighed in much because my scale gives me an error message.  It says it weighs accurately up to 300lbs.  Obviously, I am more than that.  Sigh. 

To add another note.  Yes we are going to marriage counseling but we are both being honest and know that may not save our marriage.  I will have a very hard time letting go of his comments about my weight he made when he was trying to hurt me when he was out of control.  I don't know if I can ever let it go and I told him that.  I also told him I it would take me a very long time to trust that he is not sneaking booze again, and I did not really believe he would want to be with someone that can not trust him.  We agreed not to talk anymore till we see the counselor on Thursday.  Pretty mature for us..lol.

Hope everyone is well.  Why hasn't our Ducky Doo posted for 6 days???

Happy Graduation HAPPY GRADUATION

In case you couldn't tell the post title someone graduated here.  My oldest son.

WOOOOHOOO.  He finally got the paper on Monday night after about an extra month of summer school, during which time he worked his hiney off.  I am one proud mama.  I was the only one in my generation in my family that graduated high school.  Both my brothers got GED's, but never made it through the ceremony.  They each had one child to graduate and now I do too.  I have one more to get through and then I can really shout.

So above mentioned son has been on the fence about joining the Navy.  He has been in the delayed entry program since feb or march but he just wasn't sure he wanted to go in starting back in May.  Well the recruiter met with us on Wednesday and answered some questions that he didn't even know he had and now he is back on the going into it side of the fence.  However, since he had thought he wasn't going in, he gained 20lbs.  Not good.  So he has to lose it before Nov.

We decided to have a contest to see who could lose twenty the fastest.  We both agreed our first step is no more soda.  We both agreed that we are only drinking water and iced tea.  And I am going to get decaffenated ice tea bags today and make sun tea for us.  So I will keep you all posted on it.

He is serious and he will keep me in line because I gave him permission to do that.  Also we are telling everyone we know that if they see us with a pop to tell us "no no".  Giving people permission to critizize(sp) you about something is a little scarey.  LOL.