It looks like the last time I wrote anything was in August. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say that I have not been working out, eating heathy and I surely have no been losing weight. In fact, I have been doing the opposite! I have been lazy, eating horrible and gaining weight. I am now at my very heaviest! I weighed in yesterday at 223.4! I can honestly say that's the heaviest I've ever been.
All the hard work I did to lose weight for my wedding has gone out the window because I not only gained the weight back, but I've gained an additional 6 pounds on top of that! When I got below 200, I told myself that I never wanted to weigh over 200 again. Here I sit, 23 pounds over 200.
I don't know why I let myself get to this point once again. It's like I just eat whatever I want without thinking about what I'm eating or how much I'm eating and then I get frusterated about the weight I'm at! It's like I've got to put two and two together that if I eat fattening food it = me being fat!
I'm an extremely competitive person and so I've set a goal. I want to lose 30 pounds by March 1st. I've got a bet going that I can do it! This WILL motivate me to get the ball rolling. When I had my wedding to lose weight for, I did it. If I don't have a goal or something to work towards, I don't put forth any effort.
Today I did great with eating. I researched gym memberships when I got home and I've chosen one to enroll in tomorrow! I'm going to pack a gym bag and go right after work. A co-worker and I are going to be doing this together. I'm hoping by having a work out buddy that we will be able to stick with our program and motivate each other to keep going.
So I have my plan set and I'm going to put forth the effort to achieve my goal. I'm really hoping that by summer, I will be looking much better! I also have a class reunion coming up! 10 years since I graduated. In high school, I was 120 pounds. If I go back looking the way I do, I wonder if people would even recognize me. Just another thing to motivate me to lose that weight!
Today I posted my before pictures. I took the pictures this weekend while my husband was getting a hair cut and I was going to upload them, but he came home and I honestly didn't want him to see my before pictures. Obviously he sees me all the time, but it's the first time that I've seen myself in a swim suit in a LONG time! At least a bikini - I wore the bikini because that's my goal to be able to fit into it and look good. It doesn't look good right now, in fact - it looks terrible. I just look at the picture and go: "how did I let myself get to this point?"
This is the first time that I've actually taken a before pictures and I think it's very helpful!! Now I know exactly how I look.... and I want to make sure that I don't maintain this look. Tonight I'm going to make sure to take my measurements so that I know exactly how many pounds I will lose, how I looked when I started and how many inches I've lost! After that, I plan to get on the treadmill!
Yesterday at work we had some training and when we do this, meals get provided. For breakfast, there's a wonderful array of doughnuts. Again, free. I just can't handle passing it up when there's one of my favorite foods staring me in the eyes and everyone else is eating it and it smells so good! So of course - I was going to be good and only have half. Well the first half tasted so good, I went and got the second half immediately after I was done.
Then comes lunch - we not only ordered my favorite food, pizza but we ordered it from my favorite place!! Had cheese sticks, pizza, pop, and dessert! After I ate, I felt disappointed with how much I had eaten.
What do you do when you're in these situations? I seem to have no self control when it's right in front of my face!! This happens on a weekly basis with someone bringing in treats - it ranges from brownies, to caramel rolls, to ice cream treats, to full meals. When it's my favorite stuff - I have such an issue passing it up. But immediately after I eat it, I feel guilty and gross.
Why is food so good? And why is it the bad food that I tend to gravitate towards. How do I get myself into a healthy mind set?
Last night when I got home from work, I decided I was going to get some excercise in! I got my dog leashed up and we headed out for a walk. It was incredibly hot and humid outside so I even got some sweat going. Becuase of this fact, I don't think I went as long as I should have, but I'm proud that I got some movement going in my day. Also, I did pretty well eating yesterday as well. I had a chicken sandwich for supper with some sweet corn.
I don't know if I was just feeling energized from actually getting some excercise in, but I couldn't fall asleep last night at all. Tonight I plan on getting the dog leashed and going again - It feels good once I out in the fresh air!
So I did TWO things that I set out to do - I faced the scale and saw that I now wiegh 211 pounds. I just got married on June 12th and I had tried to lose weight before that and I went from 217 down to 197 - so 20 pounds. I have now mananged to gain over half of it back in less than 2 months!! The other thing that I did right was to stay away from pop - instead I had 5 beers - NOT A GOOD CHOICE!! I would have been better off with several cans of pop.
I had a stressful day yesterday and so I decided that I needed just one beer to relax me - of course one beer leads to five. I ALSO found a coupon for a free Coldstone Creamery Creation and I just HAD to use it since it was the experation date - I couldn't let a FREE ice cream creation go to waste! Again, NOT A GOOD CHOICE!!
I find that I make excuses for myself like that a lot - Excuses or Justifications - whatever you want to call it. I am the master of doing that and I have to realize that these justifications are not getting me anywhere on my sucess of losing weight. It's getting me further and bigger.
The good thing is there's always a new day ahead with new choices to be made!
What's holding me back and what am I going to do from now on??
The biggest thing that has been holding me back from losing weight is my love for food and hating to excercise. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm bored, stressed, sad, mad, excited, to celebrate, or just to pass time. I am an eating machine!
Some things that I can't get enough of are: PIZZA (it's my greatest weekness - you know the phrase "bet you can't just stop at one? - that applies to me and pizza slices) I crave it ALL the time! My second biggest weakness is SWEETS - this would be candy, cake, doughnuts, ice cream, CHOCOLATE! I always want to eat something really sweet after eating. And not just one piece of candy does the trick. I eat one sour worm and the whole bag is going to be gone after that - It's like I NEVER GET FULL! CHEESE - Anything with cheese I'm in love with! Mozz sticks, Cheez-its, plain cheese, cheese burgers - again anything with cheese!
I've always felt that I've had to feed myself with my favorite foods and by feed I mean binge and pig out with all my favorite foods for me to be a happy person. I am now realizing that it's holding me back from being at my utmost happiness. Am I happy when I go into the mall and I can only shop at a few of the stores - NO Am I happy when someone calls me fat? NO Am I happy that I'm stuffing myself into booths at my favorite restaurants - NO
My clothes don't even feel comfortable anymore! It's a treat at my work to wear jeans on Fridays - for me I would rather wear my dress pants that have the elastic band. PLUS all this eating that I do only brings me satisfaction for a little while. Yesterday's pizza binge isn't making me any more happy today as now I just have a bloated tummy. I have to switch my happiness to being happy on my weight loss goals than being happy that I got to pig out on pizza, ice cream, and what-not.
MY PLAN: From now on, I'm not going to allow myself to eat as much as I please. I am however going to allow myself to eat things that I like - For instance, this past weekend I was out shopping and I got a digorno 200 Calorie pizza - Of course I ate both of the slices provided so 400 Calories - but it was AWESOME. 400 calories is a lot healthier than 400/slice where I would eat four or more. Also my love for cheese - There's laughing cow cheese that's amazing! It's 35 calories a wedge and taste's great! I need to reel myself in get on a healthier track for eating. I plan on making smarter choices for my eating habits. EXCERCISE - I am going to have to wake up earlier in my day to make sure that I get some excercise in. I know myself too well where if I wait until later in the day to do it - it simply will not get done. My plan is to wake up and put those dusty DVD's in the player and get some movement going in my day. I'm hoping that I will take my dog Gizmo out for walks in the evening. I've also learned that I'm going to take this one day at a time - I can not go balls to the walls and kill myself the first couple days. I'm going to take it easy and gradually get into this. I'm going to start with my easier DVD's - the walk off the poinds and then go to my harder ones. I won't get up the next day to work out if I can barely walk (done this - not a good plan) I tend to get stiff since I'm so out of shape that it takes me days to get back on the bandwagon and by then I'm like what bandwagon? where's the pizza? I also am going to not drink pop! - This is something that will be hard for me at first. I am a Mountain Dew Lover - you did not see a "diet" in the front of that. I also love Coke - the red can - not Diet coke. These are empty calories that I'm drinking on a daily basis and there's SO MUCH sugar in them - they really are not doing me any good what so ever! So I've got excercise and eating healthier and THIS - my little blogging and tracking! Tonight - I'm going to take one embarrassing picture - my BEFORE picture - and so be it. The more I hate the picture, the more motivation to stick on track. I'm also going to get out my tape measure and write down where I'm at and hop on that dreaded scale - which is something I'm going to get used to. I'm going to have to get on that scale and face it. I've tried to do the combo, just diet and excercise - but I've never blogged about it, nor have I kept track of inches lost and that sort of thing so it's new and I'm hoping it's going to be fun also!
Here I am today and I'm wanting to be thinner. I have went back and forth with the concept of wanting to lose weight or just spoiling myself and eating whatever I want whenever I want. There has to be a balance. I'm starting to notice that when I go out to eat - the table seems so much closer when I'm sitting in a booth! The tables are not closer, I'm just bigger. Movie theater seats and airplane seats have also gotten smaller! NOPE - I've just gotten bigger! I need some motivating reasons as to why I want to be thinner:
1: I will feel better
I have been feeling lethargic lately - not really wanting to do a whole lot. It seems like I'm tired more often too! Haveing more energy to do stuff would be so nice!
2: I will LOOK better
I want to be able to go into any store and find something that will fit me. My choices seem to becoming more limited the more weight I gain. I used to love to go shopping - now I dread it! If a friend asks me to go shopping, I freak out! I can't go into some of the stores and try on clothes with some of them because they simply won't fit me. I want to be able to pull off some trendy looks!
3: More Confidence
It seems to be that if people can judge me for one thing, the first thing that they can spit at me is my weight. It's actually the hottest point that will set me off if someone comments on my weight. Someone could say " you look ugly " and I wouldn't take as much offense to that as " you look fat " I know I have a lot going for me and once a person who dropped out of high school in 9th grade who is living in housing and working a few hours at a coffee shop told me I was fat! I thought how dare you sit there and critique me when I don't judge the fact that you are a loser for lack of a better word. I will have to say though that I would rather be fat than have nothing in life going for me. I think that it could only help my confidence if I lost some weight.
4: Peace of Mind
Losing weight consumes my mind! I think about it each and every day! I must want to do it, it's just that I haven't done anything about it. I wouldn't say I haven't done anything - I've went out and bought TOO many work out dvd's from slim in 6 to Turbo Jam, to Biggest Losers, to Walk off the poinds, to Kickboxing, danceing, Kettleball - basically you name it - I've spent the money on it. All of which have sadly collected dust on my dvd stand. What a shame! My husband gets mad everytime an infomercial comes on and he quickly changes the channel or I'll buy it - Sadly he's right. I also have a huge cupboard filled with pills, vitamins, Ali - Again - you name it - I bought it. All the bottles have been opened and not one of them has been emptied.
I obviously have the tools to do this and if I put them to use - I wouldn't have to think about this day in and day out! I wouldn't have to feel guilty about all the money that I've spent on DVD's and exercise equiptement. It's like the more money I though at the issue, it's bound to just come off! NOPE! You actually have to play the DVD and exercise to it for it to work.... owning it doesn't do anything - trust me on this one.
LIVING AN OVERALL BETTER LIFE is the biggest reason why I want to lose weight. I can think of many reasons why I should - healthier, feel better, look better, feel SEXY again, confident, energetic - all those things together will make my life an overall better experience.
