Visually, I can't tell if I'm losing weight. The scale tells me I am, but I am so paranoid that I'm losing muscle and gaining fat. =(
I'm really stressed out lately- mostly a lot of guilt and regret. And I got my nose pierced yesterday (personally, I love it- I love piercings) to cheer myself up. My mom won't stop badgering me about it. Basically- I'm a failure, I'm embarrassing, I have to take it out, She hopes it'll get infected...
All that good stuff. I mean, I understand that she doesn't like it. Okay, fine. But stop making me out to be the bad guy because I like piercings. I mean, I know she's gonna freak when she figures out I'm stretching my lobes and I hope she never finds out about my nipple piercings. And when I walk in the door with more piercings [I have conch, eyebrow, industrial and lip in my future... at least], how will she react? What about when I get my planned scarrings and tattoos? -sighs- Whatever. being smart and a good person and trying to be a good daughter doesn't matter when you like body modification and unnaturally colored hair (I currently have pink... which she won't shut up about either). =( whatever...
Anyway, all this stress is making me eat irrationally. I'm trying though. I guess that's all that matters. I'm just... really sad. And really alone. =( I don't like being called a freak...
Yeah. That's basically how it's been. See, I'm ED-NOS. And I was trying to do the cleanse and, well, I kinda am. But I'm more starving myself than anything.
And I recently found out one of my very good friends is starving herself as well.
I should be angry with myself, but I'm down to 150. So... =( I don't know what to say. I feel like a failure.
I was trying so hard not to be like this. But... I just am.
working up to the cleanse. I made some of the lemonade today [my friend/co worker was like 'so what? You drink piss now?' and I smiled at him and said 'Didn't you know? That's how all the cool kids start their mornings.' I kinda love him. Hahahaha. He's honestly like my best friend. I have so much fun with him. Who else gets to work with one of their best friends? Hmm?] Hot damn it was good. I completely expected it to suck. But it didn't. Hooray! =)
Hmmm, I don't really have all that much to say actually. Just- I'd like to be rail thin now. kthanxbai.
And, maybe it's just me, but I sorta love the look of really, really thin girls. I just do. Hmm, maybe there's something wrong with me. =(
Tomorrow I open. BUT! It's at 4:15 am. And I plan on getting up at 1. Yes, 1. I've been sleeping on and off since 2 today. My friend decided he was bored and so he'd call me 3 times to try and get me to pick up... never mind I was completely asleep.
At any rate, I'm going to get to start the diet tomorrow. =D Yaaaay. I'm excited.
I couldn't get up in time to do the salt flush. And I sure as hell can't do it tomorrow or the day after. =( This isn't fair!!! What do you do if you have to be at work before the sun rises? I mean... there is just no way in hell I'm getting up at 2 am so I can shit out my insides for over an hour. NO.THANK YOU.
Maybe I should just give up?
=( I over slept and I am so so so sad. I guess I should just wait for a day I don't have work.
So that's thursday, I believe. Here, in the mean time, I'll slowly restrict down so that I can be prepared for the diet. -shrugs- it's better than stuffing my face and just waiting.
I haven't been to the gym in forever. I will die a fat, miserable cow if I don't start getting into shape. After work tomorrow, I'll go to the gym. I get off at 10:30, after all.
Tomorrow, I get to spend my whole shift doing inventory. Oh joy to the max. Seriously, what would I do without this job? Getting up at 3 am so I can get to work at 5 am and put away boxes of stuff until 10:30 really gets me going. -rolls eyes- man... they could at least warn me. Or ask. Or something. I'd rather bar [I work at Starbuckies, by the way] or ring all shift.
So I'm drinking my laxative tea [which is FABULOUS! 'get regular' by yogi teas. I highly recommend it!] getting ready for my first day on the cleanse tomorrow. I'm going to write 'DAY ONE' on an index card and stick it to my bulletin board after I take the salt flush.
Now, I'm doing it at 4 am since I have work at 7 [and it takes me 10 minutes to get to work] will I have enough time to be, uh, 'ready'? I don't want it to be 6:45 and I'm still on the toilet. I can't be late to work. I'm sorta anti-getting-to-work-late. Not to mention, I could, well, you know, get fired.
Hopefully I'll have time to make my lemonade drink thing before work. I don't see why not. It should take all of 10 minutes. And if I can't, then it's tea and water for me until I get home! Which would be really lame. =(
-yawns- well, I'm super tired. BED TIME! Wish me luck. =) <3
[ps- I got really thrashed last night (alcohol and ciggs, OH MY!). I couldn't have picked a better time to start the cleanse. =)]
today I should be going to Henry's to get the syrup and the tea.
Tomorrow I don't have work so this should be easier.
I can drink the tea, do the salt flush, make the lemonade [I wanted to make it before I did the flush so I'd have something to drink when everything was done] and just chill out. =)
[ps- my boobs are huge. I hate it. >=( ] [pps- I <3 America's Next Top Model]
