working hard for a new me

This is a little diary in the world of me and what makes me inab

My Profile

  • Name: Xnikki86X
  • City: London
  • Region: London, City of
  • Country: United Kingdom

My Weight Loss

Height: 162.6cm
Start weight: 266.00lb
Current weight: 266.00lb
Goal weight: 140.00lb
Lost to date: 0.00lb
Remaining: 126.00lb

My Calendar

May '15
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Testing myself

I thought id write a lighthearted post tonight as my previous posts have been heavy and I am feeling good

My favourite chocolate in the world is Cadburys cream egg. I havent had one in such a long time as the new Twisted was taking over. But today, 9am, I walked into Icelands, ( a frozen foods shop) and there they were, 3 for £1! At this point I should add, my worst enemy is chocolate, I cant eat one bar of chocolate, it has to be 3 or 4 a go. I have not had one piece in any shape or form pass my lips in 6 days. I intend to have 7 days off completely, then very little, maybe one small bar a week.
WellI bought the 3. Gave one to my 4 year old, one to my 2 year old, and put the 3rd one in my bag. its still there!! I didnt even think about it all day, untill my husband came home.Just wanted to share my little step towards the new me!

the most important man in my life.

I know I only wrote on here yesterday, but there is so much I need to get down on 'paper'. That I thought this was as good a place as any to get it out. The first thing I want to type about is the death of my beloved dad.

He wasnt my real dad. He met my mum at a party when i was a baby, my 'real dad' is the man mentioned in in my first post, the man who continuously beat me is my real dad. My mum and him met again after 13 years apart when my Dad and mum split up and we moved.

My mum and dad grew close very quickly and I naturally called him Dad as soon as I could talk and he never corrected me. I dont think there is a man on earth I have met that could compare to my Dad, but then I suppose most of us think like that eh? When I was through I got Whooping cough and he sat up with me every night, hugging me, rubbing my back when I was vomiting and keeping me calm. I dont know how I remember this far back, but I do. He wrapped his big towel around me at night and I still have this towel now. When my sister, his biological daughter came along when I was 5, he was scared I would feel pushed out, so woke me up when mum was in labour and let me watch from the door ( mum delivered Charley in 45 minutes from her waters breaking!). He let me hold her with him and told me I was still special and he would always love me. He taught me to write my name and tie my shoelaces even before my sister arrived, In fact, by the age of 3 i could read him the newspaper. he was at every schol play, every parents evening, every disco. Everyone knew him, and I was so proud when he collected me from school with our doberman, Rudy, as all the children in my year used to always go over to stroke the dog and say hi. He was well known by teachers, parents and pupils. But then he was a hard man to foget, he was over 6ft tall, full of muscle and covered in tattoos!!

Dad was a drug addict, and an alcoholic.But he never allowed it to effect our homelife, we never saw him high, he used to go away to do that. but sometimes he wouldnt come home for 1 or 2 nights, and this understandably made mum mad! so when he used to say he was popping to Woolwich ( where all the shops and his friends were) wmy mum sometimes insisted he take me with him so she knew he would be home! I loved this time with my Dad, i was spoilt!

When I was 12, my mum won a lawsuit against the local authority as they left our flat to rot basically, and the enviromental health sued them on behalf of my mum and she won £6000. She used this money to make a new start for us all in a place my nans sister lived with her husband. It was at the seaside and a very small place. But we had family there and it was a new start for us and a chanc to get away from the squalor we lived in. So we moved, but after 3 months my Dad just could not settle and he and mum seperated with my Dad moving back to London. After this we only saw Dad 4 times a year, my birthday, my sisters birthday, once in the summer holidays and at christmas. It broke my heart and I missed him like crazy, but mum seemed to be moving on and had reconciled with the sperm donar who I called my stepdad.

Jumping a few years, when I was 16 my mum decided we should move back to London. I was already staying there with my uncle and his family as I did my work experience at my old primary school and was seeing my Dad most days. His drug and alcohol addiction had got so much worse over the years, he told his friends he could not cope without me and my sister and it got him through the days. When we moved, my sister and I visited him every day, but he just wasnt the same and it broke my heart. We looked after him as best we could and when he was straight, which was most days once we were back, we had so much fun, he taught me to cook properly, watched old films he loved when we were growing up, like yellowbeard (which I secretly hate!) Crybaby, and the Beverly Hillbillies! Being older I understood them and laughed soo much my sides hurt! But as soon as we was back to school/college he was back to his drugs. I knew we would never get my old dad back completely but he was still in there somewhere.

Around the time of my 18th birthday, I fell pregnant. I was not with the father for reasons to come in another post, but was 100% sure I would keep the baby.  But it took me 4 months to tell my Dad, as I didnt want his hopes and dreams for me to be dashed. but he took it really well, and loved seeing my scan pictures and feeling baby kick. We talked about names and played guess the weight and I had my old dad back!

Typically, my baby was 8 days late, and every night from my due date, he came round with something else to try to get baby out! My favourite was the greek food and I didnt stop eating till I finished what was there!

I woke up on 11th november, 2004 at 2am and had my first contraction. I went downstairs to tell my Mum, and we sat up for a while but we both fell back to sleep by 4. I was woken by more contrations at 7am and was sure it was labour. I didnt tell anyone just yet except my sister and best friend, as I knew I would be bombarded by calls and texts! but strangely at 11am as I was getting in the shower the phone rang. Mum answered and it was my Dad, he sounded panicked and was asking whats wrong with Nicola?! we were all amazed that he knew I was in pain! He came straight to the house and sat with me rubbing my back and making general chit chat to keep me occupied. When I went to the hospital he said he would be back later to see me. And he was, when my beautiful daughter was born 24 hours later, he was in the waiting room and his grandaughter was the first newborn he ever held, he never even held my sister for 2 days! He visited me everyday, inundated his grandaughter with gifts and looked after me like a princess.

Unfortunately, dad slipped back into his old ways, and on 17th January 2005 he died of an accidental overdose of prescribed medication and alcohol. He was 45 years old. There were people in his flat whenhe collapsed, but as they were high, they didnt want to get in trouble so ran out of the building asking the concierge to call an ambulance as they left. Effectively in my eyes, they left him to die. my daughter was 9 weeks old and I will never forget being told, i collapsed and tipped the buggy with her in.

I still have not come to terms with his death and still havent been to visit his rose garden where his ashes are scattered. 4 years down the line you think I would be OK, but i still cry every day for him and miss him like mad.

Im hoping getting all this out of my head and on to the screen will make me feel better about his death, and i have promised myself, 2 weeks from today, the anniversary of my Dads death, i will be able to visit his garden and put to rest my fears.


Introducing me

Hi all. My name is Nicola (call me Nikki) and I am 22 years old. I have 2 gorgeous kiddies, Rhiannah is 4 and Charlie is 2 and a wonderful husband John.

I am a compulsive comfort eater and constantly eat. Food is never far and I just dont know how to stop! But its a new year and Im determined to beat it for the sake of my well as my pocket! Plus size clothes are soo expensive!!

Im not following a particular diet as such, Im just changing my habits and eating correctly (at least I will be trying).

I was always a skinny kid, and had a nice figure till I turned 13 and my Mum married my stepdad who she had been in a relationship for only 19 weeks! he turned out to be an alcoholic and was very violent. For some reason I was always on the receiving end of his fist and strangely at the age of 14 turned to booze myself to blot out the abuse. I also worked in my familys cafe and constantly snacked, There began the comfort eating. I ate anything and everything I could get my hands on and regularly spent my wages on food and booze. I mucked up my schoolwork, lost all my friends and got severely overweight. I also acted stupidly and irresponsibly and spent the night in the police station on 2 occasions as I got drunk and smashed up my bedroom. (i did this twice and was arrested on both occasions for breaching the peace). The turning point as far as alcohol was concerned for me was at the age of 15 someone in the pub I was in spiked my drink and I woke up in a strangers bed somewhere i didnt know with no recollection of what had happened. I had to have tests for sexually transmitted infections and the morning after pill. It was such a horrible experience and put a stop to my outragious drinking. At 16, we all moved back to London to have a fresh start, stepdad was attending AA meetings and all was ok. I wasnt eating as much but was still having the odd binge where i would eat and eat and eat.

At 18, I fell pregnant, was not with or even in contact with the father and had a perfect, healthy pregnancy, anything that was bad for me made me sick, so i lived mostly on salad and water!! needless to say when I gave birth to my daughter I was 3 stone lighter than when I fell pregnant! But just before I had her my stepdad gave the final blow, he threw a tv at me and just missed my 8 month bump! my mum called the police and that was the last we saw of him!

I kept the weight off for a year and loved being a size 14 instead of my usual 18/20. But then I fell pregnant again with my son and put all my lost weight plus more!! He is now 2 and PND has made me get worse and worse and worse. Im now 266lbs, a size 24 ( if you are american and reading this, your sizes are slightly different to mine as Im english, your size 0 is our size 4 if that helps?) and even more depressed than ever!!

So today is the start of a bright and healthy future for me. I am going to battle this and WIN!!!

If you are still reading this, then thank you for taking the time to get to the end lol. Take care, Nikki x