The pain in my calf, although not severe by any means, prompted me to do a little research on calf injuries. I think what I have is what's called an Achilles tendonapthy, and if I keep pushing myself on it, it can end up ruptured or torn which will then require surgery. Ok, so that means I will have to stay off the treadmill, not just talk about staying off. That is a serious bummer!!! What kind of cardio can I do without being on my feet? I guess I will have to get my weights out and start doing upper body weight training and continue doing my abs. I guess I could still do lower body floor workout as long as it doesn't strain my achilles tendon, right? I'm so totally bummed, but I will adjust.
Ok, so one of the reason why I would get discouraged in the past that made me fall of the diet wagon was that I would set unrealistic goals for myself. For instance, I'd start a diet, cheat here and there, don't exercise, and hope and pray that I lost 5 pounds this week. Logically, you know that won't happen unless you're losing water weight on the first week. So this time, I'm gonna be happy if I even lose 1 pound a week. I know some weeks I may not lose any weight at all. But I'm not going to let that get me down. What have I got to lose by sticking to the diet but weight? If I quit, I'd have to start all over again when I finally come to my senses. Then I would've wasted all that time in between. I know it will be hard. But I promise myself that I'll get through it without giving up.
Did 30 minutes on the treadmill as soon as I got up this morning, and I'm feeling good knowing that I got 1/2 of my workout out of the way already. I'm also feeling very energized despite the dreary, rainy weather outside. Just had my breakfast, and I'm thinking about making some tea....but I haven't decided yet.
Hubby came home last night which was a surprise because I thought he wasn't coming home until tonight. So I finally got a good night sleep. I can't seem to sleep when he's not here because I'm so paranoid. I know this will make me sound crazier than I already am, but I keep hearing voices...like....a bunch of people talking but I can't hear what they're saying. Sometimes I hear music...like from a radio, but I don't know where it's coming from. When I go outside, I don't hear it. When I'm not alone, it doesn't happen. Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard? I have so many problems already....maybe I just need to be in a mental hospital or something. I don't know....I don't know what to think.
Anyway, on a more positive note, even though my scale isn't showing a loss, I do feel a whole lot better. Before, my stomach was beginning to spill over my panty (I know, that's gross). I'm happy to report that even though it's still sticking out, it's not spilling over anymore. That Abs of Steel kicks my butt, but it's really working. It's only been about 5 days(?) since I started doing it, but I can already tell a difference. I'm loving this!! Woo hoo~!!!
Oh, and I just got the Smart Techniques CDs!!! I'm gonna read through the instructions and get started this evening. Woo hoo~!!!
(12:20pm) Just sitting here in front of the computer having my coffee and NS chocolate chip cookies. They really go well together....yummy~!!
I don't think I've ever really taken the time to savor the flavor of the foods that I put into my mouth. It was always quantity rather than quality for me it seems. I remember last thanksgiving, my husband brought home a Mrs. Smith's pecan pie, and he ate a slice and I ate the rest within 24 hours. That's on top of the turkey and all the fixin's. Nothing was safe in my kitchen. If they were edible, you'd better hide it outside of my home because I'd find it and eat it even if I had to tear up the house. I've done that many many times. It's like when I was addicted to cocaine. I still remember the day I hit rock bottom as clear as it were yesterday. It was late Wednesday night and I couldn't get ahold of any of my dealers. I just got more desperate by the minute, and I cleaned out my pipe, smoked the resins, and when that wore off, I was on my hands and knees going though my car and my house looking for something, anything that I may have dropped. Then I found it!! It was a clump of coke that I had apparently dropped on the floor. I instinctively put it in my mouth, and to my horror, it was a clump of carpet fresh powder. I spat it out, looked up, and caught a glimps of myself in the mirror....and I just couldn't believe what was looking back at me. It was a corpse with scabby nostrils, gaunt and sunken eyes and cheeks.....I looked sallow and almost grayish. And I just sat there and cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. That was the end of me as a coke addict, but it was a beginning of the new me, the 24/7 pot smoker. I just replaced my coke high with pot high.....and I'd smoke and smoke until I couldn't get any higher, and I'd still smoke and smoke. If I was down to a doobie, I just had to have another quarter so I wouldn't run out. I was perpetually high. I went to work high, I went to church high. After a while, I couldn't tell if I was straight or high anymore. Then I began drinking before I smoked weed to intensify the high. You would've never seen me without a bottle of beer and a doobie, cigarettes in between. So that went on for....geez.....I guess about 6 years. Then I got ahold of laced hemp. Ok, hemp is similar to pot except it doesn't have the THC to get you high. So to compensate for that, the dealer had apparently laced it with something (I don't know what it was), and when I smoked it, I passed out and had a seizure. I was home alone, and by the time my husband got home later that night, I was still out cold. I spent the night in the hospital, and I decided then that I was gonna quit smoking weed. And I did. So that was the end of the pot smoking me, and a beginning of the new me...the chainsmoking me!!! To make an already long story shorter, I tried quitting smoking for 5 years and finally succeeded last July. But during that time, my addiction once again shifted to something else. Yep. Food.
My goal is really not just about losing weight and getting a healthy body. It's about breaking this chain of addiction that's kept me in a bind for most of my life. I could attribute this to my bad childhood or abusive relationships, but frankly, I'm not going to. It happened, and I'm done dwelling. I'm done being a victim. I'm done being helpless and hopeless. I'm done disliking myself and beating myself up for things that were out of my control. The one thing I can do is to take back control of my life and reclaim what is rightfully mine. My life, my happiness, my health, my sanity. I deserve it. And my husband who has stood by me through thick and thin for the last 17 years deserves it.
Calories: 1203 Fat: 19.94 g Carbs: 168.09 g Protein: 77.45 g Water: 78 fl oz Exercise: 60 mins @ 3.0 mph (-316 cal) 10 mins. Abs of Steel part A (-60 cal) 10 mins. Beginners Step Aerobics (-70 cal)
Net calories: -847 (target -700 woo hoo~!!!)
Breakfast: fat free cottage cheese 4 oz (70 cal) fat free milk 1/2 cup (45 cal) NS Nutricoconut O's cereal (150 cal) diet sunkist orange soda (5 cal)
Morning snack: NS chocolate chip cookies (100 cal)
My calf is feeling so much better today. I was afraid I was making it worse when I was doing my aerobics yesterday so I put a plaster on it before I went to bed, and it's back to normal this morning. I'm still not going to chance it with the treadmill though, but I will do a low impact aerobics to help me burn off some calories. I need to burn at least 400 calories a day working out to hit my target of negative 700 net calories.
I need to get some fat free cottage cheese and some fruit. I guess I'll have to go get them since hubby won't be home until tomorrow evening. At least I'm feeling a little better about getting out of the house. Keeping the positive attitude helps. It takes work, but if I don't make myself be positive and happy, nobody else will. I have to take responsiblity for that too. Nobody made me eat and get fat but myself. Nobody made me feel self-conscious about my weight but myself. I'm so tired of being a victim of circumstance. I'm tired of blaming everything but myself for my predicament. It's like I've given up control over my life and how I live it because I keep blaming this or that. I don't want to live like that anymore.
I was kind of down on myself last night because I couldn't walk on the treadmill. To me, walking on the treadmill is the easiest way to burn off calories because all I have to do is walk. So I was totally depressed that I wouldn't be able to hit my -700 net calorie target, and I felt the demon trying to rear it's ugly head again, trying to convince me to give in to temptation. I was so tempted, let me tell you. Instead of 1 dinner entree, I was so~ close to opening up another one....but I talked myself out of it. The demon's hold is so strong on me sometimes that I feel like a mindless zombie. I hear my true self screaming in the background to stop, but my body is like it's possessed. I guess that's because I've learned to shut myself out over the years. I stopped listening to myself somewhere along the way, and now it's so hard to wrestle control away from the fat demon in my head. But I will do it. I know I will. I know I can.
Here's some inspiring quotes that I stole from other blogs:
"Obstacles are the things we see when we take our eyes off our goal"
"There are only 2 choices--Make progress or make excuses"
"A journey of a thousand "miles" (Li) begins with a single step"
It's now about 12:15, and I just got done walking for 30 minutes. My calf felt good, so I decided to chance it. I could feel it getting uncomfortable around 20 minutes, but I pushed through it and got 30 minutes in. It's been about 10 minutes since I've walked, and my calf is back to normal. No pain, no discomfort. Woo hoo~!!! I'm feeling so motivated today. Everyday that I resist the temptations that the demon throws my way, the more confident I become in knowing that I can actually do this. I'm sure there will be days that I'll be down on myself and feel weak, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. The main thing for me right now is to take it one day at a time.
You know, I keep talking about responsibility, and I just realized that I've unloaded a lot of guilt for not taking responsibility by separating myself from the "demon". It's not ME that's sabotaging my efforts, it's the demon. But at the same time, I'm learning to take responsiblity for the counter action against the demon. If somebody was trying to hurt you, you'd fight to defend yourself right? Well, by separating myself from the "demon", I'm fighting against something that may dwell within me, but IT'S NOT ME. It's somebody totally separate from me. Somehow, that makes it easier for me to resist temptation.
Calories: 1178 Fat: 26.15 g Carbs: 179.88 g Protein: 67.70 g Water: 68 fl oz Exercise: 30 mins. low impact aerobics (-210 cal) 10 mins. Abs of Steel part A (-60 cal)
Net Calories: -698 (target -700)
Breakfast: turkey Bacon 2 slices (40 cal) eggs, fried in pam 2 (200 cal) honeydew melon 1 cup (60 cal)
I must've over did it with the treadmill over the past few days because last night, my lower left calf was burning. I kept it iced all night and it does feel better this morning, but I think I'd better lay off with the treadmill for at least a few days. Bummers!!! I have to find something else to burn at least 400 calories per day. I think I'll do some floor work for the legs, upperbody workout, and the abs to get a good over all body workout today.
Just had breakfast. I'm a night owl (always been nocturnal), so my days start late and ends late. Such as the l life of a lonely stay-at-home-non-mom lol. I haven't worked in 2 years because I felt so self-conscious about my weight that it was affecting my performance at work and life in general. I was getting to a point where I would get panic attacks when I thought about stepping out of the house. I'm getting better, but I still can't wait to get back to my comfort zone (my home) whenever I go out anywhere. I've really been trying to change that by interacting more with my neighbors and people in general. I'm starting to realize that I'm not the only one that suffers from this and that not all people are so bad.
Well, I'm off to take a shower so I can get ready to go to the dentist again. I'll be back again later
I'm really fighting hard against "the demon" right now from wanting to go raid the kitchen for something, anything to eat. My stomach is saying that it's not even hungry, but this urge is so damn strong!!! I'm not going to give in dammit.....I just won't!!! I'm stronger than that, and I'm capable of resisting so that I CAN and WILL reach the goal that I've set for myself even if it kills me!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrr~~~!!!! I'm seriously white knuckling it though.
I had some gourmet tea that my mom's friend had sent her from Japan. Banana au Chocolat....and it really smelled like chocolate and banana. I thought about adding splenda to it, but I decided that I'm just going to enjoy the aroma of it. It tasted like earl grey though, but that's ok because I love earl grey. I was watching this Japanese program the other day, and they were showing how to make fruit tea. I'm gonna have to try it. Take a slice of orange, a slice of lemon, a slice of apple, some fresh mint (optional), and cut it up in small chunks and put it in a tea pot. Then you put your favorite tea leaves in there and pour hot boiling water in it. Cover it up and let it steep for about 3-4 minutes. Strain it out into a serving tea pot and let it sit until it's no longer scalding hot. Garnish with a sprig of mint. It sounds like it would be good iced too, doesn't it?
I wish the damn demon would shut up already. I don't care what you say to me, I'm not going to give in to you!!! I'm not even hungry. One of these days, you won't have so much power over me. My body rules, and you will learn to shut up and obey how I really feel. I'm strong, I'm capable, I'm in control. I control my own destiny!!!! Breathe deep girl, breathe deep. And let it out. Breathe deep again, and let it out. Feel it and believe it. You can do it. Yes, I know I can!!!
Ok, so it's now about an hour since I wrote the above, and I won this particular battle over the demon. I did the Abs of Steel part A workout which is 10 minutes, but it sure kicked my behind. I'm drinking crystal light lemonade right now, and I'm feeling like I've finally shut the demon up for now. It'll be dinner time soon, so I'm sittin' pretty right now. I feel great!!! Woo hoo~!!! I'll go walk another 25 minutes before I eat my late snack later on tonight.
Just got back from the densist, and he told me I needed to get a crown on the worn out, grounded down tooth in the back. There's no decay, but the tooth is grounded down pretty good because I guess I grind my teeth in my sleep? Hmm....maybe I do. I must ask my husband about that. I'm going back tomorrow to get an old filling replaced. I think I got this old filling back when I was like 17, so it's been a VERY long time indeed.
I'm eating some vegetarian pasta salad on romaine hearts with some catalina dressing on it, and it's yummy!! I've learned that I can't eat the NS vegetarian pasta salad the way it is. I first have to wash the "dressing" off of it, drain it, toss it with some fat free dressing of my own, then put it on a bed of lettuce. It's really good when I do that. Very satisfying too. I'm gonna have some NS chocolate chip cookies for snack. You know, I think it would be a good idea to list my daily menu on my blog. I think I'll start doing that today.
(3pm) I just ran 35 minutes on the treadmill. I wanted to go longer, but I had to use the bathroom, so I figure I can do another 25 minutes after dinner before I go to bed. Hubby is gone on a business trip, so I'll be all by my lonesome for a few days. Oh, and I finally met my neighbor's daughter-in-law today. She's also asian (she's SE-asian). What are the chances of being this far out in rural TN and having 3 asians (my other neighbor's husband is asian too) living within a 1/4 mile radius? Trippy, ain't it?
I've been having a serious craving for a burger today, so I tweaked my menu plan to include a Whopper Jr. and a small onion rings from BK. I got the whopper without cheese or mayo, and I added a teaspoon of my own reduced fat mayo. My total caloric intake is 1311 for the day, but that's really not that bad considering I ate 5 times today. I will walk more later on when the food settles so I can burn at least the whopper off.
Anyway, I was doing a little math, and in order for me to reach my goal of 120 pounds by 10/31/07 (58 wks), I need to lose approximately 1.4 pounds a week. In order for me to do that, I need to have a net caloric intake of negative -700 calories a day (to total -4900 calories per week). I won't have a problem with that as long as I keep my food intake around 1200 and walk about an hour at 3.0 mph everyday. I'm feeling very optimistic right now. It's so do-able. Zip-up jeans, here I come!!!
Ok, so it's now close to midnight, and I just got done walking on the treadmill for 50 minutes for a total of 2 hours today (6 miles). I wanted to quit so many times, but I just kept saying to myself, "imagine the end result.....the more you exercise, the more calories you will expend, and the sooner you will reach your goal!!" So I kept going...and going....and going....for what seemed like hours and got done!! I'm so proud of myself. I did a little stretching afterwards because my back and hamstrings were a little tight. I'm off to the shower and then to bed. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow...ugh!!
