The more I am aware of what I put into my body, the better and more in control I feel. Sometimes I find myself in a daze, quickly shoveling unhealthy amounts of food into my mouth, tasting goodness and swallowing my emotions. Since I was a small child, I have used food to make myself feel better because of the chaos in my life. Since I have found yoga, meditation, and a vegan lifestyle, I realize that I must use healthier techniques to deal with my emotions. I eat because I am bored. I eat because I am sad. I eat because I am lonely. I eat because I am happy. I eat because I cannot find what I am really hungry for. When I start to mindlessly wonder into the kitchen, I stop (not all the time) to think about what I am really hungry for. Am I hungry for friends? Am I hungry for love? Am I hungry for entertainment? I just know that I am not hungry for food, and whatever I put into my mouth is not going to change how I feel. In fact, it will always lead to me feeling worse, and then depending on how much I just eat, purging my body of that food. It was/ is a sick cycle. I experience emotions I don't want to feel. I search for drugs, sex or usually food to make those emotions go away. Then I eat. And eat. And eat. You could not believe how much food I could actually get into my body. Then when I feel better for a brief moment, I realize how much weight I am going to gain from what I just ate and then I spend the next twenty minutes throwing it all back up. It is a sick feeling. I feel so much better. I swallowed all of those messy emotions, just to throw them away in the toilet. Of course, after oh 8 years of this, I realized how sick I was. But knowing doesn't always bring about change. I had to find a better way, not just a different way. Nowadays, I feel much better about food and my eating. I take time to think about what I put into my body and how my body will use what I put into it. But today was not a good day. I have been going through a messy break up with my once best friend, to find out last night that he has been basically dating another girl (calling her sweetheart) while we continue to fight and argue. It didn't affect me last night (although I couldn't sleep). But I woke up today, ate some oatmeal for breakfast and then proceded to eat 3/4 of a pizza to myself. I felt disgusting and threw it all up. It made me sad to see how self distructive I really am because I feel sad or hurt. Something very valuable I have learned from Buddhism: There will always be pain. Pain is a natural part of life. But our suffering comes from trying to avoid that pain at all costs. If we realize that pain is natural, feel it, and examine it instead of doing everything we can to avoid it, we are much better off. For me, the destruction of trying to AVOID the suffering and pain has cause much more pain and suffering than the initial hurt.

It is a lifestyle change for me. It is about learning to care for myself and my body for the first time in life. I am losing weight and my clothes are fitting more loosely, but I just want to be healthy. I don't want to eat the entire contents of my fridge to feel happy. I don't want to throw up all of my food to feel better. I want my mind and body to function at its best and I am willing to make the effort every single day. I AM WORTH IT!