I DIDNT WEIGHT THIS MORNING.

 

IM SITTING HERE AT WORK. ITS 8:40 AND IM SO HUNGRY I CANT STAND IT. I FEEL LIKE I HAVNT ATE FOR DAYS. I HAD TO LEAVE MY WALLET AT HOME TODAY SO THAT I WOULDNT GO OUT AND GET FAST FOOD. I BROUGHT MY LUNCH TO WORK TODAY. I THINK IT IS REALLY SAD THAT I HAVE TO LEAVE MY DEBIT CARD AT HOME BECAUSE IM AM SO WEAK  THAT I KNOW IF I HAVE JUST ONE DOLLAR OR EVEN 85 CENTS I WILL HIT UP THE VENDING MACHINE WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT. AND IF I HAVE 5 DOLLARS THEN I WILL GO OUT SOMEWHERE AND ATTEMPT TO ORDER THE WHOLE MENU.

 

I HAVE FINALLY REALIZED THAT I HAVE TO RESORT LEAVING MY MONEY AT HOME JUST SO I WONT OVER EAT. IT'S PATHETIC HOW WEAK I HAVE BECOME.  FOOD IS MY DRUG. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IN FOOD AND COCAIN IS THAT FOOD IS LEGAL.  THATS WHATS SCAREY. I CAN GET IT ANYTIME I WANT IT AND AS MUCH AS I WANT.

 

IM GOING TO TRY TO DRINK ALOT OF WATER TODAY TO CURB MY CRAVINGS BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IM FEELING SO WEAK.

221

 

WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNIG I STEPPED ON THE SCALE TO SEE THAT I WEIGH 221. THE MOST I HAVE EVER WEIGHED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!! I HAVE TOTALLY  LOST CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

 

I WEIGHED 217 ON JANUARY 1, 2008. I WENT ON THE ATKINS DIET AND RAN EVERY NIGHT. I LOST DOWN TO 179 BY APRIL 2008. I WAS SO DEDICATED. IT WAS HARD WORK BUT WORTH IT. I GOT SICK AND HAD TO GO TO THE E.R. BECAUSE I WAS ONLY EATING 10 CARBS A DAY AND MAYBE 500 CALORIES. WHEN I GOT BETTER I WAS ABLE TO MAINTAIN MY WEIGHT UNTILL AUGUST. THERE WAS A HURRICANE THAT WAS HEADED OUR WAY, SO MY MOM WENT AND BOUGHT LOTS OF WATER, COKES, SNACKS, FOOD, CHIPS.... YOU NAME IT SHE BOUGHT IT. BY THE TIME THE STORM HIT US IT WAS JUST A LITTLE BIT OF RAIN. WE HAD ALL THAT FOOD IN THE HOUSE AND I ABSOLUTLY LOST CONTROL AND HAVE YET TO REGAIN CONTROL OF MY MIND BODY AND SPIRIT SINCE THEN. I AM A BINGE EATER. WHEN I EAT I LIKE TO EAT UNTILL I AM SO FULL I CAN BREATHE OR THAT MY STOMACH HURTS.  SO I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT OVER THE PAST YEAR AND I HAVE GAINED BACK 40 LBS. IM SO MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY. I WANT TO CHANGE BUT ITS EASIER SAID THAT DONE. IM TRYING TO REMEMBER HOW I HAD THE WILL POWE LAST YEAR TO DO THIS!  I HAVE NO DRIVE OR MOTIVATION TO CHANGE MY LIFE AND STOP WHAT IM DOING. I DONT KNOW IF I NEED THERAPY OR WHAT. SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT DIET PILLS ARE THE ONLY ANSWER BECUASE I DONT WANT TO EXCERCISE OR WATCH WHAT I EAT OR ACTUALLY FEEL HUNGRY. IM VERY SELFISH AND I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL OR DICIPLINE. I HOPE THAT BY JOING THIS SITE IT CAN HELP ME SOMEWHAT TO HAVE SUPPORT TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO.

 

I HAVE CONSIDERED HAVING THE LAPBAND.... BUT I NOW REALIZE THAT IM NOT LOOKING FOR A QUICK FIX... IM LOOKING FOR A CHANGE IN MY LIFE. I WANT TO CHANGE MY EATING HABITS FOREVER. I WANT CONTROL OVER MY MIND AND BODY.  I WILL NEVER HAVE THAT IF I TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT.

 

LAUREN