Okay, here i am ....wondering what the hell i am doing....I am exhausted. This week hasnt been very good for my food plan or my serenity. I had a valentines party for my kinders at school. I hate parties. They are a waste. I didnt have fun, and it was a lot of work.
I had a child who refused to behave. He pushed a younger girl out on the playground after he jumped off the play equipment. He says that she laughed at him when he jumped off. Teacher says little girl told my young man he wasnt supposed to jump off. I tend to believe the little girl since it doesnt make sense for him to push her just because she laughed at him jumping off. The pieces dont fit. Anyhow he had to come in from recess, i discussed it with him in the presence of our secretary. He lost the rest of his recess. Later, while the kids were playing games, he didnt get his way and threw a tantrum, hiding under the table. I explained to him that was not how we behaved in class. I told him I expected him to come out from under the table, have a seat in a chair if he didnt want to play the games so I could watch him. He refused. I explained that if he chose to continue to not follow the rules i would call his mom. I did, and left a message. We came back to the room, and i made him sit in a chair by himself. I had a mom ask me if he was in time out or could she play a game with him. I was taken aback, didnt know what to say, and so no he wasnt in time out and that i didnt think he would want to play a game. Mistake on my part, i should have told this mom to stay out of it. Not much of a backbone. A few minutes later, after playing the game with him, young man came over and said he wanted to behave. I allowed him to rejoin the games. During the group game he refused to follow the rules, sitting on his bottom, and his mom walked in at that moment. I explained to her what had happened. Shortly thereafter it was time to go home....on the way out.....young man zooms out, yelling, "i get to go to tylers house to play!" I thought, "WHAT? he has misbehaved in school and the mother is letting him have a play date? SHe is rewarding that kind of behavior?"....ok, so change of tactics. There will be no tolerance any more in the classroom for unacceptable behavior. Period. I deserve more respect than they are giving me.
There was WAY more sweets and junk then i wanted. Next year i will have a rule in place that only fresh fruit, etc.....healthy stuff.;.. is to be brought into the classroom. Personally, I dont see why, if they are only there 2 hrs and 45 min that i have to have snack. OH well,....learning as I go along....
I threw away all the goodies that were left over in my classroom...into the trash. I brought my bag of goodies home for hubby. However, before they made it home I had eaten at least 6 small candy bars. I kept thinking, " i will just have one." YEAH right! How stupid of me. Hubby now has a bag of goodies, hidden.....I have had a decent meal. I will exercise after my tv program.
I need to put something in place so that i have such a hard time staying on plan between 2pm and 5pm. This is the time after school. When i have rough days, this is the time that I struggle. I forget to pray, rather I just reach for something.....I have tools that are supposed to help me through the rough patches, right? Why cant I remember to do anything of those things, FIRST? So what tool can I use?
food: not on plan, nor abstinent.
water: yes, 100 oz
cardio: yes, I will do it in a bit. I just bought the 5 mile WATP dvd. =
Im excited to start it.
Toning: yes, later.
Mental outlook: Not so hot. I was listening to the radio tonight and one =
of the songs that came on was a song i hadnt heard in a long time, Time =
after Time from Cyndi Lauper.
The words are:
Lying in my bed, I hear the clock ticks, and think of you
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
Flash back, warm night, almost left behind
Suitcase of memories...
Time after time
Sometime you pictured me, I'm walking too far ahead
You're callin' to me, I can't hear what you've said
You said, "Go slow, I fall behind"
The second hand unwinds...
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting,
Time after time
I turn, my picture fades, and darkness has turned to grey
Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm okay
Secrets, stolen, from deep inside,
The drum beats out of time...
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting,
Time after time
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting,
Time after time
Time after time...
I am a fairly spiritual person. I truly believe that the only way I am =
going to be able to ever become the person I want to be, physically, =
mentally, emotionally and spiritually, is to be to connect with my God. =
This song is a special one to me. This is mine and God's song. I know it =
sounds wierd, but it is. When I was in high school, I belonged to our =
local youth group. Our youth group wasnt very big, but it was someplace =
I could say was MINE. Someplace where I BELONGED. I remember one year I =
attended a youth retreat. I must have been a junior in high school, =
because it was the year I was confirmed. My grandmother was my sponsor. =
THis was a hard year for me. I dont remember why exactly. I have blocked =
out that period of time in my life. What I do know is that my father was =
heavy in his addiction. I do know that I wrote a letter to one of my =
teachers that worried them enough that I was seen by a school counselor =
the rest of my junior year, and all of my senior year. Three years =
later, my parents divorced. So where am I going with this.....? I dont =
know. I just know that as I heard the song tonight, tears welled up in =
my eyes. I was listening to Delilah and a 17 yr old girl got on. She =
said she wanted a song played for her sisters. All younger. Her parents =
had just divorced. Delilah said something that pierced my heart like a =
knife. She said, "It sounds like you are trying to be strong for your =
younger siblings." The girl agreed. Delilah then said, "You have to give =
yourself permission to feel, to grieve." She continued and said, "If you =
dont give yourself permission to feel, you will end up with an eating =
disorder, addictions, or depression." I can relate. She then said, "God =
has big enough shoulders to handle (this girls) problems, if you will =
let him."
So this song, well I take it as God's way of saying, "Cathy, Im here for =
you...lean on me. Let me take the pain away."
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D
Cathy Z
My weight loss blog: http://mybestself.extrapounds.com/
~Progress, not Perfection~
"Nothing tastes as good as weightloss, fitness, and recovery feels!"
I feel good.....its been a week. Lets see if I can recap a little, and then maybe I can catch up on posts and see how all of you are doing.....
I have been OP with food and water so far, except for food on friday - i missed some snacks and yesterday I forgot to drink water. Yesterday I spent the entire day cooking for the week. TOday Im going to make some pumpkin custard and then I will be all set. TOM came to visit this week so I have been bloated with a headache for the past 2 days. However the scale still shows a loss so I am very happy for that.
Friday nights girls gettogether for scrapbooking was wonderful. I really enjoyed myself. One of my students moms joined me. SHe is a teacher too, does virtual classes online for special ed. It was good to just vent, visit and learn some new things from her. There were 3 other people there, but they kind of kept to themselves or did i monopolize the conversation.....im not sure. Oh well....
My biggest upset for the week was on friday. I have been scheduling parent teacher conferences. One of the parents couldnt make it to their scheduled time, no biggie, and sent me a note requesting a later time. I could accomodate it so I did. THe first grade teacher, who has this child's older brother could not, so we discussed what to do. So I rescheduled mine. WHen I sent the paperwork back to the parent I wrote a brief note at the bottom reminding them that in the future it would be helpful for me to turn the paperwork back in a little sooner so they could be sure to get the time they want. The parent called me and told me that if the time was inconveneint they would just cancel the conference. I told her no, the time was fine, but i couldnt guarantee that it would be fine for future conferences.
THen she said, with regards to my comment on the form that I sent back, that she doesnt believe that 5 yr olds are old enough to be held responsible for getting their folders out of their backpacks and to their teachers. I was dumbfounded. Apparently, according to the parent, this student had returned the blue folder a week prior and that "I" had not seen it (child had not turned it in) and after a week parents put it in the older siblings backpack. Hmmm??? Well, a couple of things seem odd here and thoroughly pissed me off. (dont worry, i held my cool, and was the better person) First, I find it hard to believe that I would have missed the folder. This particular child is notoriously forgetting to put her folders in the bin when she comes in. SOOO in order for me to put her homework in the folder to take home each evening, i would have had to have physically opened her backpack to retrieve the folder she didnt turn in, so I would have seen the folder, had it been there. Second, her father, who does a lot of stuff with our school, is in the office/halls/church/cafeteria on a DAILY basis. If her 5 yr old is incapable of turning it in, and according to the parent, should not be held accountable to do so, then is also the father incapable and irresponsible enough to turn it in too? Third, WHEN does a child become responsible for themselves. This family has a rude awakening. I know for a fact, the first grade teacher will only hand hold them for the first month or so and then the children are solely responsible for themselves. I believe 5 yr olds are responsible enough to take their folders out of their backpacks and turn them into a set place in the room. However, knowing that not all children are in the same place at the same time, and are still learning this skill, I have a pretty flexible routine that I follow. If the children forget to turn them in, i kindly remind them. I then go to their backpack, retreive the folder, and put their homework in it. 2-3 times a week, i physically put the folders back into their backpacks to take home. If for some reason i am unable to do that, then i call them over as we are lining up and i give them their folder or they put it in themselves.
The bottom line is this particular family thinks they "own" the school. I suspect the father, since he is getting his degree is trying for one of our teacher jobs. He runs our box tops program, the student store, and is very active in school stuff. He borders on stepping over the administrative lines from my vantage point.
I didnt eat over this whole situation, which is a first for me, but I find that I am still bitter over the situation. I guess it is time to be the "grown up" and just let it go.
I logged on, and I cant believe it has been two weeks since I last posted. I am busy as always. I have determined in the last two weeks that PREPARATION is the key to life changes - especially weight loss. WHen I am prepared with food, I eat better and on plan. When I plan my exercise, and my schedule, I get my exercise in.
My mom came to visit last weekend, and it shifted my plans. I didnt prepare like I usually do and it showed this past week. I have to prepare even if i have company.
Taking it one day at a time makes a world of difference, and putting my life and program into God's hands keeps me sane.
Yesterday I lost it. Fell apart at the seams. Yesterday was off plan due to circumstances, and I was not able to get meals in on time no matter how hard i tried. I did eat some stuff that was not on plan, but i figured it was better than the sweet or fatty or salty ick. I was having problems with constipation, so I had some of this particular ICK and now I dont have that problem.
Anyhow, hings always come in threes, and after my third confrontation just this week, and that is the 3rd in three days, I mentally shut down. I am glad it is friday. I am going to take it easy for myself, and pamper myself.
Tuesday it was the whole recipe thing on NBU, Wednesday after our staff meeting my boss pulled me into his office and told me that several parents have complained about an ODOR comign from my classroom, and that just floored me. He implied that it was body odor. Hmmm....really? I dont know whether I was more dumbfounded that my boss had told me THIS, or the fact that it was my BOSS that told me. Im trying to figure out what parent would feel more comfortable going to my MALE boss over me, personally, to say something of that nature. SO I am double checking my routine, taking more precautions on a personal level, which Im not sure what more I need to do, and I bought stock in the air freshners yesterday. WHO knows?
THen yesterday at recess the prek teacher asked me to join her outside because she HAD to talk to me, RIGHT THEN, and she sounded really REALLY irritated. Turns out the previous day at lunch, i had asked our secretary about her coming in for spanish in my class, and the prek class. SHe had been doing the two classes together, but the previous week she had done it seperate. SO I was clarifying and shared with her how this other teacher had mentioned how our secretary had missed spanish with the other teacher the previous week. I shared that the teacher seemed frustrated by that, and that just like several other volunteers that come in, and then dont keep the schedule. Not that she was upset, just that it happens. WE, the secretary/spanish lady and I, resolved the question and went our merry way. ANyhow, apparently one of the "bystanders" in the lunchroom had shared the conversation with the teacher who had made the comment about her not coming in the previous week and my sharing with the secretary how frustrated the teacher was when volunteers dont come in, and the teacher confronted the secretary/spanish lady about it. The teacher was upset by the fact that I had shared this information with the spanish lady, and came to me about it at recess. SHe was unhinged by the fact that I had said she was frustrated by not only the spanish lady but another person (our parish priest) who say they come in and get busy/forget to do so. She didnt say that....It wasnt my place to share....etc. I explained that it was my perception that she was frustrated, and that my sharing that was NOT to get her rowled up but rather to shed light on the reason I was askign about seperate or shared spanish lessons. SHe was ticked. I apologized, told her I would apologize to the secretary/spanish lady, and the third party if she would let me know who it was. She refused to tell me. So i apologized to our spanish lady who told me that SHE wasnt angry, that SHE had not taken it that way at all, and she reminded me that this is a small school in a small community and that the walls have ears. I can almost figure out who the third party was, but going to her would be a mute point because she would not see herself as the "communicator" of the information. Bottom line is she wants to be included in conversations when she is being talked about so she can "justify" her statements because she wasnt frustrated at all, that was my perception. Okay, I thought i had clarifyed that with the secretary, and if the third person gossip/busy body hadnt stuck her nose in where it didnt belong, none of this would have happened. I never intended my comment the way it was taken. THis teacher told me she already has a trust issue with people down there and that I didnt help matters. She thought she had found someone she could trust, in me. Huh? Okay....I can see where I erred in shooting my mouth off, yet once again.
SO, since I cant change others, I can only change myself, I will not be eating lunch in the lunchroom with my coteachers. I will shy away from that. I think once the weather starts warming up I will go back to my afternoon/lunchtime walks. It is better for me all around.
I am still exhausted by the whole thing. I cant wait to get to class and see what I will walk into today.
....I am having a rough day. I soooooooooo want this week to be over. Deep breath, deep breath....another deep breath....breathing is good for stress....did you know that???
I was confronted by another teacher today re: something I said to someone else, that was misunderstood, that was as a result of something I shared about the first teacher. This was in no way meant to be alarming, but apparently someone "overheard" and took it upon themself, and shared and it became a big mess. That is what happens when you live in a small town apparently. I didnt intend it to come across the way it did, but none the less it did. I am on the verge of tears. I feel like no matter waht way I turn I am having my handslapped for all my faults. Maybe the best thing to do is just keep my mouth shut and not share. It sure is getting me into trouble these days.
I need to eat lunch. I was late getting my snack as a result of this teacher wanting to talk to me on her break, I ate it as close as I could to on time, but late nonetheless....this sucks. I was shooting for another perfect day. Well, i gotta go rescue my lunch from the microwave. I really just want to curl up with a good book in front of a cozy fire in a cabin in the mountains FAR FAR away from life right now.
I find that when I write to you, I feel so much better and my day starts off better. So, here i am. Thank you for the past 4 days of complete, clean program, or as they say in OA, ....abstinence. Abstinence from the act of Compulsive overeating. Now that I have that back I am going to work very hard to keep it. I am going to need your help.
My resolve is tested on a daily basis and this week has been no different. Yesterday my boss pulled me aside to tell me that he had had complaints about my classroom smelling like BO. Hmmm.....Is that MY problem? Do i need to change deodarent? Is it due to having 20 kiddos in my classroom daily? I dont know, so yesterday I stopped and got air freshner and lysol for my classroom. I didnt realize that it was my job to do this, but now I am going to make it part of my before school routine.
Also yesterday or the past couple of days actually I have been dealing with a resentment. I am extremely angry over, can you believe it?, DIJON MUSTARD, of all things.....Yup. THe site i use for my food plan said dijon mustard wasnt on plan so I couldnt post my dressing recipe. STUPID. WHo has ever gained weight using DIJON MUSTARD.....? I mean honestly. THe problem was compounded by the fact that I had shared my frustrations in a seperate forum on the same site, and was chastised there too, by having the HEAD of the group post the rules and regulations there too.....INTERNET SPYING, doesnt sit well with me.
I have not eaten over any of this. THank you God for helping me through this too. Just for today I ask that you be with me again. Help me to make the right choices each and every moment.
DH started college classes last week and my routine was completely messed up. I hope this week is better. I find myself overly tired, and when I get overly tired I make bad choices, or rather i dont make choices and become compulsive. Not a good combination.
Today I prepared food for the upcoming week. I am ready for the week and I feel confident I can make some good choices. Cheers to a new and wonderful week.
The scale is headed back down. I have stayed away from the wheat, salt, sugar and dairy, and I am feeling better with each day. Water intake is increasing, however, my drive to exercise has been on the decline. Today I have spend the better part of the day cleaning, tossing and decluttering the girls' room. They still have way too many toys, but I found the toy box so that should help.
I spent yesterday doing food prep. I cut up vegies, made granola, sweet potato custard, and tonight I will cook up the meat for the week. I find i do the best when I am prepared for the upcoming week.
I was reading online these past few days, and was both surprised and disappointed by the ignorance, and unacceptability of others when it comes to diet and weight issues. People (humankind) can be very brutal. The particular website I was reading was rather disheartening. If you didnt do it the way others did it, you werent doing it right. If you followed a plan that someone else said didnt work for them then everyone jumped on the bandwagon and agreed. Since it was the plan I was using, I was interested to hear other people's experiences, so I read through the majority. WOW. Some of these people were downright brutal with their remarks.
I wasnt brought up that way. I was brought up with the philosophy that if you didnt have something nice to say it was best off not to say anything. I wonder if all those so called "fanatics" realize the damage they could be causing as a result of all the negative comments. What works for one person doesnt for another. I mean, who is to say that if the program doesnt work for you, it is guaranteed not for me? That is so untrue and unfair. But then life isnt fair, now is it?
I have always heard, "just dont take the one bite??" Dont take the first bite? What are they thinking?? I am a food addict. There is no such thing as not taking the first bite. So I got to thinking....what do I have to do to NOT take the first bite? I looked it up on the internet. Everything I read said that the motivation behind not eating the first bite is purely spiritual. HUH? You mean I cant control that first bite? You gotta be kidding?
I belong to a 12 step group for overeaters. Overeaters Anonymous, so I know all about the spiritual side to compulsive eating. I know that if I am not in balance life is pure hell. But to have it in black and white that the only way I am going to successfully never take that first bite is going to have to be at the graces of my God? That kinda sets it in stone.
