Day 49 of 100
I told him I'm done. I don't know if it is honestly and completely over, I told him how much I hate him for hurting me like this, for degrading me and devaluing me as a human being. I told him I deserve more, I deserve to be treated with respect and I'm tired of being hurt like this.
I tried to approach the topic calmly but once it was evident what the conversation was about, he didn't stay calm for long and started yelling, which of course, led to my yelling in return and eventually punching the office door there by ripping the skin off my knuckles. I admit, it was a mistake and uncalled for but at that moment I needed a release for my anger, frustration and hurt and since I would never hit anyone, ever, I punched the door. My top knuckles are all bruised as well, so typing is really hurting right now but I need to get this off my chest here since I have no one I can talk to.
We fought for, I'd say at least 2 hours before he left for a walk. We both needed to calm down a bit and get some space between us and think things through. I was so ready at that point for him to spend the night some where else, even though this is his house and I ended up packing him an over-night bag and leaving it inside by the door. He came home over an hour later, just in time to help with taking care of my cat, which I declined and once my cat had his food and insulin, we went back to fighting. That's when I made my points about my putting the effort in to be open and honest about everything, even if it was awkward, embarrassing or humiliating because at least I was trying to keep the lines of communication open and that I didn't feel I was receiving the same in return from him. I told him that I felt completely cut out, that he never talks to me about anything, never shares how he feels, so if there was a problem he was having with us or otherwise, how was I supposed to know about it, let alone deal with it.
After that is when I told him I deserved better and the like, as I mentioned above. I'm tired of not feeling good enough for anyone and constantly being treated as if I have absolutely no value or worth to anyone. My Mother wanted me to basically fill a void in her life, which didn't work and she ended up taking out most things on me physically, verbally and emotionally. My Father never wanted children to begin with and although he did get me away from my Mother after finally seeing for himself her hit me, he pushed for custody. I will forever be grateful of that but the neglect once I was living with him was so hard to deal with, no matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough for him or got his attention and he didn't try to hid it either, he made it clear by telling me we we're "friends" instead. And then you add on being sexually assaulted once at 13 and then again at 16. I never felt like I could go to my Father and tell him what happened, I assumed he'd just wave it off and to be perfectly honest, for many years I thought what happened with both those boys was my fault.
I hadn't let anyone in or near me since I was 16, until my Husband came along. He was the first person I told everything to. I warned him that I had issues and he reassured me he could deal with them. Then 5 years later I find out he betrayed me and it honestly broke me into pieces. I had no idea how much I had opened myself up to and put my trust in him, something I never thought I would do with anyone, until I heard the tape I found. It shattered me and I've been trying to put back the pieces ever since. But I stayed because he was it for me; I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, through good times and bad, as that's exactly what I vowed.
Now this. Not even a year later and here I am again, feeling like I've been broken into a thousand pieces. I feel like, fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.
Part of me knows that I should just call it a day and stick to my guns when I told him I'm done, as it's not worth taking a chance of being hurt for a third time and then leaving if it happens again. While the other part of me still wants to work this out because that's what I vowed to do and it hurts to say that I love him.
We started talking more calmly after I told him I was done, he apologized, said he didn't want me to go, that ultimately he wanted this to work. I'm planning on sleeping on it, on the couch by myself tonight while he sleeps in the bedroom and then I'll go over all the pros and cons tomorrow afternoon. So, right now we are in limbo but leaning ever so slightly toward being finished. I just think getting some sleep and then time alone tomorrow to get some perspective may help. I may not have a final decision but I should hopefully be a bit more clear headed about things in the morning once I've truly calmed down.
I feel so lost and scared, if this is truly it, I don't know where I'll go or how I'll get there. The plan for the last couple of months was to save up and move out West to be near my Grandmother and Great Aunt but I'm having doubts now. I want to be near them but I don't want to live in another city just because of someone else. I would not consider moving there if it weren't for them. I don't want to look back 5 years from and regret the last 10 - 11 years of my life because I didn't do what I wanted and or needed.
Crap, do I ever feel like I've totally screwed myself over.
I just want to start off fresh somewhere new. New city, (country and/or continent) new friends, new life. All in one giant swoop. I'm tired of being tied to who I use to be and being expected to act exactly the same as I was in high school, I'm not that girl anymore. I don't want to be known as so and so's daughter or my Husband's wife anymore. I want my own identity. My own home, filled with things that represent only me. I want to cut my hair, buy new clothes and start all over so I can let people get to know me and only me. The real me.
I had that with my Husband at the beginning and now I've turned into someone I don't even recognize. I don't even know if it would be possible to truly turn my life around the way I want, if I end up staying. So I think ultimately, that may be the biggest deciding factor on whether or not my relationship with my Husband will continue.
I'm sorry this post is so long. You should pat yourself on the back if you've managed to make it all the way down here.
I hope you are having a better day than I am where ever you are.
Oh yes and before I forget, weigh in tomorrow morning; should be interesting, as stress doesn't have the best effect on my body weight. I'm already extremely bloated and cramping.
Meals:
Breakfast - 400 calories
Lunch - 200 calories
Dinner - 100 calories
Total Calorie Intake - 700
I managed to do my scheduled exercises for today but it was hard and they hurt so badly. I'm hoping to be able to do my regular exercises tomorrow and Thursday but if tomorrow is any worse than today was, I see myself having to do time on the recumbent bike only. Which is unfortunate, as generally I start the recumbent bike on Friday's during that time of the month. I hate losing days since it feels like I won't be making the kind of progress I want on my body shape by the time the deadline rears its ugly head. But we'll see, so fingers crossed I can do everything as scheduled.
