Day 114 of 125

Tuesday, August 24th, 2010

Horrible day.

My cat had a thin needle aspiration this afternoon, to take samples of masses in his liver, near his pancreas and intestinal wall. They're checking to see if he may have lymphoma cancer, among other things. This came on very quickly, not 4 months ago his ultra sounds were clear of all of this, except for his pancreatitis. He's been home for several hours now and is still dazed and confused from all the medications they gave him for the biopsies and to entice his hunger so he'll finally eat. My poor baby can barely walk around, he just wobbles about, swaying from side to side and having to stop to orientate himself. It's breaking my heart all of this. It kills me to know that he's been in pain for the last 3 days and we didn't even know it.

We're supposed to get his results back some time tomorrow or Thursday and discuss where to go from there. I'm both impatient to have and dreading this conversation. Part of me just really wants to know what the problem is and how we can fix it as quickly as possible, so he can get back to normal and be my happy, healthy, snuggly baby. The other part wants to breakdown in one massive pile of tears in fear that the results may very well be bad and there won't be much that we can do to help him.

I'm just sort of reeling from the news right now. I can't handle this. My two cats, grandmother and great aunt are my family. I lost my other precious baby boy to ketoacidosis in January 2007 and that ripped my heart to shreds, then three weeks ago (tomorrow) I lost my great aunt. Now I'm faced with losing another piece of my heart. I know that I likely only have a few years left with my grandmother too, then I'll finally be alone. I don't stinking want this. I want my cat to live to be 20 and die of old age, happy and peacefully, not from complications and his last days in pain like his brother did. I still haven't gotten over that. I'm really hating life right now. To be perfectly honest, I think it's a bitch.

I'm really sorry for the depressing post, I just need to let it out and other than talking to my Husband which is no longer an option right now (because he's in bed so he can go to work early tomorrow so he can leave early if we need to go back to the animal hospital) that really only leaves me with this place. I don't want to talk about this with anyone else right now, especially my grandmother, she still has enough on her plate dealing with everything from her sisters death. I don't want to dump any of this onto her, she shouldn't have to think about any of this, it's my situation to handle. The problem is, I don't want to be handling it, I want it to never have happened in the first place.

Anyway, I'm going to head back out into the other room to keep my cat company for a little longer before I go to bed. I'm sorry if I sound over dramatic, I'm not trying to be. I'm just letting my feelings come out as they are, no filtering at the moment, it is what it is, it is how I feel. So...

I hope everyone had a good day.

Exercise:

BBL Cardio Axe
Routine: 28 mins
In Zone(126-165bpm): 21 mins 19 secs
Average Heart Rate: 133
Max Heart Rate: 163
Calories Burned: 180

BBL High & Tight
Routine: 38 mins
In Zone(126-165bpm): 4 mins 07 secs
Average Heart Rate: 110
Max Heart Rate: 143
Calories Burned: 156

Total Calories Burned - 336

Meals:

Breakfast - 450 calories

Lunch - 500 calories

Dinner - 450 calories

Total Calorie Intake - 1400