2 May – It's easy for me to think about where I was last year at this time and compare it to where I am this year. At this time last year, I weighed a WHOLE
LOT
!!! I was one big fat mama!!! OH YEA! I just looked it up and I weighed 227.5 WoW!!! All I can say is thank God/dess, The Big Cheese In Charge that I woke up from that stupor!!! And stupor it was. Let's see what Webster's has to say about "stupor" 1: a condition of greatly dulled or completely suspended sense or sensibility <a drunken stupor(which of course, I have NEVER experienced :)>
So, there it is. I was in a suspended state of dullness... can you imagine that? Hmphff! Well, I'm here to tell you ... NOT ANYMORE! What, you say? You've figured that out? Hahaha
So, I've been around here long enough to know I'm not the only one that has gone thru this "metamorphosis" (nuther big word, means "change of physical form"). And that's a good thing. Sometimes change can be painful, it can be uncomfortable for those around us. Esp those who aren't interested in changing along with us. But that's a subject for a different day.
Daily, I realize how much I've come thru to get to this point. Most of last summer was a breeze (yeah, i know, that was bad). I was motivated in different ways. Truly, last summer, I was reborn. I was getting to know me again. The woman I was prior to 235.5 lbs. And the woman I've become as a result of the experience of becoming that 235.5 lb person. She had loads of pain. Pain that I'm happy to say has been alleviated, in part. And that's life too. Those of you, who have been around here for a bit, know that my profile has been devoted to Life... Living life in a way that allows me to experience it without having to go to food &/or alcohol as a way to enhance my mood, to make me feel happy, less dull.Allow myself to live my life and experience food & alcohol because I'm able to enjoy Life. Does that make sense to you? Trust it does. Sometimes I get too "head trippy".
At any rate, here I am at 184 heading toward the destination point of my journey. We hear "these" sappy sayings about; 'it's all about the journey' - whatever!!! I want to get to goal... I want a hotter body than I have now (less tummy too :) Yes, I'm THAT vain. I want to feel even better than I feel now! I want my cake and I want to eat it too! And I've learned... I don't require the whole cake in order to be even happier. Imagine that... all in a year's time.
11March07 - I've been gone for a bit... busy life, haven't felt like writing, tired of being cold, tired of whining!Yesterday was the first day this year that I've felt alive again!!! Well, alive in a "out of hibernation" sort of way. It hit 55 degrees here yesterday and I was actually running around without a coat on! HAH!!! I'm ALIVE again.
I was thinking about Persephone & Demeter. Do you know the story? I love mythology. Essentially, it explains the seasons. I was thinking that Hades didn't want to let Persephone return to her mother... it's a beautiful story. Here's a link to a short version http://www.mythweb.com/encyc/gallery/persephone_c.html
Take advantage if you ever get the chance to listen to a real storyteller recount the story. It truly is a lovely story. Now, what's that got to do with getting to goal? I've been stubborn & refusing to consciously get myself out of hibernation mode these last couple of months.I knew this was going to happen... I go thru it every year. No matter how I fight it... I experience it... I'm talking about S.A.D. syndrome. I've done the lights, meds, supplements, exercise... blahblahblah. I find the only thing that really works for me is to hang on till Spring and incubate on a hot sunny beach someplace till my shell cracks and I'm alive again. And I'm close. The birds were singing this morning, the sun is shining brightly and the best part (well, one of the best parts) is that I left the house this morning with a spring jacket on leaving the down hanging in the closet! THAT is the biggest "YEA" yet hahaha. So, I'm feeling like a bird, wanting to fly again!
Orginally, I was going to write about something else, but when I woke up this morning and jumped on that f#%kin' scale, well... my world changed.I'd like to know wtf is going on with all these scales lying through their lil' windows with the digits going 'round in circles! I'm one number on one day and 3 lbs more the next??? Now, granted, that uninvited TOM has decided to come around me... wish he would stop... hhmmphfff. I generally won't weigh myself when TOM's visiting, but habit is habit... strip down to become a giant goose bump and viola, some unknown number appears! Hey, that's the problem... you see, I told you, goose bumps weigh more then body's without goose bumps... oh maaannn I've got to move to Mexico. This Chica is freezing weight on here in this mitten state.
I've been thinking (no, you're not in trouble this time ;) for the last couple of days, I've had an interesting "a-ha" working itself lose. Do you get "A-ha's"? An A-ha is when you get an idea that won't go away till a lesson is learned... Something is "A-ha-ing" me now. It has to do with body image. How many of us since doing this NS thing have been looking at old photos, finding a particularly nice one of self from back in the day and then saying with shock, disgust, disbelief... (You pick your words, those are mine)"Wow, look how great I look in that shot. I thought I was fat then!" You proceed by getting a good look at your "fat" picture, remembering where your head was at that time, thinking of the time you "lost" as a result of that thought and thinking about where you are now... All somewhere lost in time. But time is about right here, right now, yes? At least for me it is.
So, there you have it... body image, self image, image that society shows us what an ideal "should" look like and never will because speaking for me... I like to eat & I have a woman's body... I like my woman's body too.
Here's the A-ha (which is still rather elusive... dreaming, yes?) I started here at 235.5 & I'm at 175 now, getting ready to get to 145 or so. On my way up in numbers, I can remember how disgusted with myself I was @ 175. I felt fat, discouraged & ugly. Now that I'm on the flip side of that 235.5 number and I'm heading Downward, "things" are looking different. I'm older (unfortunately): & wiser (hopefully :). As a result of being wiser (I want to believe its wisdom)... I see my world from different colored glasses... a bit rosier, forgiving to be sure. But not just for the world at large... I'm more forgiving of myself, more loving & tender of myself. I'm most definitely not as hard on myself as I once was and I have expectations for the way I want to be treated. I expect others to treat me the way I would treat them. I used to hold my reins in tightly in areas regarding wt issues; I had a set of standards. Looking back... I had a great body... but thought I was fat, well... more like overwt & it was always 20 lbs worth. I would think to myself, "if I could JUUUUst lose 20 lbs, I'd be in great shape." It was never an issue of being perfect; I just wanted my body to be in great shape for me. Perfection was & is NOT an issue, so at least I don't have that to deal with to. But I digress...
Coming from the downside of 235.5 and now being 175; Hmmmm, I look at 175 and I think I'm doing ok. I'm not settling... It's more a thing of "I've been to hell and I know I'm not there anymore". Trust that makes sense to you. It's like being super sick, lying in bed and wondering what it felt like to be healthy. Do you do that when you're sick, I do. I say to myself, "I can't wait to feel healthy again, it will feel soooo good" and I appreciate my health again when it returns... till I forget about it again. Life...
Anyway, it's similar to that, this feeling of loving all 175 lbs of me. I'm not feeling self-conscious in certain ways that used to affect (is that the right e/a ffect? Always mix that one up): me anymore. Actually, I'm rather proud of who I am right now. I like me... I like me alot. I'm a pretty good person and I have fun with myself, but again, I digress. The trick here is to stay in the "I like me" phase of this process. Life is a process, what does process mean, you ask? Lol I've got it right here: a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result
That would definitely cover it; I'm going thru gradual changes all right. Another thing that's cool about "the process" is that it overlaps into other arenas of my life... ooops, digression again. But this time I think it's pertinent. I've been doing lots of shopping again. I haven't a clue what size I am anymore and it doesn't seem to be an issue. The old me, the 175 lb me on the up side would have been embarrassed to ask for the sizes I ask for, the 175 lb me on the down side walks in and says, "I haven't a clue what size I am, Could be this to that." And I chuckle.
Trust I've gotten my point across... it still feels elusive to me, but the act of hibernating causes dreaming and dreaming causes me to evaluate for the now in addition to creating beautiful things for the future.
I REALLY want & desire this for us. To obtain our goals and appreciate them so much we don't lose sight of what it was that took us on this journey, took us thru the pain of the up & the down. I don't want us to lose sight of the fact that when we get to goal... we're strong enough to maintain goal, we can like ourselves enough to say "this is who I am". All the other stuff is a big skinny bonus!
I like who I am, I like you too! Yeah, I know... corny but every now and then it's ok to be corny. You've got a grin on your face right now, don't you? HAH!!! Me too ;)
18 January - WELCOME to all the newbie's... seems there are more new names on the sLast 25 than in the recent past. It's great to see. There are probably lots of different emotions & feelings running amouk right now, yes? I remember when I started... Something felt different. My mindset was different. I didn't look at this as a diet, more as a change in the way I live. An awakening if you will. Hmmm... Speaking of "awakening", have you newbie's found The-Jazzman site yet? If not... go to the bulletin boards(for those at Nutri System) and search him out... he has tons of useful info. His site was a great help to me in the beginning, esp with my profile... the seeds of useful info. But I digress... my point... someone I used to call friend would tell me that I was going thru an "awakening". I was impressed by this. One day, while surfing thru Jazzman's site looking for HTML info, I came upon a poem he had posted there. It's called interestingly enough, "the awakening". Perhaps my "used to be" friend read this at some point and what I shared was reminiscent of this poem... I'm not sure & it's not really important in the scheme of life, what is important is that I paid attention to the title. As a result, I read the poem... The author may as well have been stalking my soul and writing just for me. It had been years since a poem had moved me to tears... my face wet as I continued to read; there was my soul... open, naked and vulnerable for the whole world to see. My only saving grace was my anonymity, only to be shared all these months later here with you and all the newbie's (she says fondly). SOOOO, what was my point??? Haven't a clue... this is where my writing brought me today, I have to reread the beginning – hold on (music from jeopardy playing....)
Nope, still haven't a clue... I suppose I was remembering the poem that was so helpful for me in the beginning to look at what I'm doing here as more than a "diet". OH, I remember... emotions running amouk! Hahaahalol
All seriousness aside... my advice is this (for what it's worth), Don't look at this a"win/lose" thing. Look at this a way to make your life, in the long run, a better life. It doesn't matter what the magic number is that you might want to reduce... Look at the quality of your life. Are you able to do the activities, travel, play w/your kids, have kids... whatever your motivation is doesn't matter. It's the long run and what this program is offering you... Quality of Life. What do you want out of your life? If you have a bad day, ok, you had a bad day, now move on and keep at it... step by step, you'll get to goal, REALLY! I know that in my being.
Ok, I'm getting preachy... ciao!
Trust it's sunny where you are, it's sunny in my heart ;)
OK, I was going to take "issue" with this weight thing today, but I'm down another lb... so, what do I have to complain about? That's right, the Chinese guy can live another day... but of course, I can't leave it at that, can I? NOPE! So, you get to be the fly on the wall as I figure this thing out! LUCKY YOU! HAH!! (Now's your chance to runnnnnn) I was looking at the stats of my wt loss at ExtraPounds.com where I have the whole thing stored.
♥ 4/9 – 6/25 (11 weeks) I went from 235.5 to 199.5 (minus 36 lbs) which averages to 3.27 lbs per wk, not bad.
♥ 6/25 – 9/13 (11 weeks) I went from 199.5 – 179 (minus 20.5 lbs) which averages 1.9 lbs per wk, slowed down a bit.
♥ Overall a total reduction of 50.5 lbs over 22 weeks averages to 2.3 lbs per week. Minus 50 lbs in 22 weeks...
I didn't think I could accomplish that... actually, it was a grey area for me... I didn't let myself think I could do it nor the flip side either, that I would fail. I thought about each day... each meal... each bottle of water and it got me here! How exciting is that! So, that's the mind set for me... step after step after step... gets me to my destination – CABO SAN LUCAS!!! HAH!!! But I digress...
From Sept till now (18 weeks), my wt has been in a state of flux going as low as 169 (in Nov :) to a high of 180 :(in Oct). This would be the time frame of my dad illness & death, proving to me again, that I am an emotional eater & my best wt loss still happens in the Spring, as it always has. The time of rebirth & regeneration, break the shell, bursting from the earth to blossom... more metaphors not required... you get the picture, yes?
Ok, 18 weeks have gone by where I've been able to maintain my wt in the 170's. I could beat myself up right now and say, "oh whoa is me... look at all the time i lost... i could have been at goal by now blahblahblah..." WHAT evvvver! Screw that crap!!!!I'm not into pain and beating myself up went out the door ungracefully quite some time ago... What I am going to focus my attention on is the fact that I've been able to maintain my wt in the 70's which gave me a 10 lb clearance for 18 weeks. I've pretty flippin' proud of myself for that! Some of you may recall that maintenance is/was a great big fat fear of mine... have I conquered that fear... don't know yet. Haven't made goal yet, and I can tell you that that big ol' fat fear has lost some of it's wt too! So, it's not able to hold me down as tightly as it once might have. Besides, I'm a fighter... don't mess with me. So, day by day, meal by meal, water bottle by water bottle... I'll hit my goal.
Hey, the fly on the wall fell on the floor... did I put you to sleep too? Hahahalol
Stay warm out there... we've 16 degrees now. Only in Michigan can we go from 50's to the teens in less then a week!Oh yeah, 64 days till Spring... c'mon baby, make me hot again!!! ;)
31 December- Ok, here we are... the last day of the year... my last entry, that's right, the last one. Whatever will I talk about... Nothing is coming to me at the moment so I'll just write and let's see what happens, ok?
Hmmm, this has been an "interesting" year for me. Those who've been reading this profile know about my love/hate relationship with the word "interesting". Let me tell you about it... it's been awhile.I'm certain you're familiar with the Chinese fortune cookie saying, Ancient Chinese Curse: "May you live in interesting times". Hhmmphfff!WHATevvver! I've been watching my life and the changes it's been going thru and just like my body... there have been some "interesting" changes. Now, I'm here to tell you... "Interesting" isn't always a good thing... lots of times, it's not! But it is interesting. Yes, I can tell, you know what I mean, hmm...
I'm looking at a year ago... I was miserable... I was in hell, limbo and all those other places no one wants to be... many reasons for it and I won't bore you with it, besides, its noyb.
March came and woke me up like a lioness! Literally, I woke up one morning, lying under my down comforter, I "opened" my eyes and stared at the tongue and groove ceiling in my bedroom and said to myself, "WTF are you doing???" I could feel "movement" in my soul. Can you understand that? I wonder... Some of you will, I see passion on this board... some of you will know what I'm talking about... There was a feeling of not accepting the life I was living, not in the same way anymore. Life happens to us and we allow our lives to control our desires... many reasons for this and I'm the last person to say you or me (that's incorrect but i don't care) is crazy for allowing this to happen, but I'm the last person and I'm going to say... you and me, we ARE/WERE crazy for allowing this to happen!!! Yeah, it's my world on this page and I can say what I want... ooooh, the power I have (yes, me thinks I have too much power too ;)
So, lets see, where was I... oh yes, "interesting", waking up, feeling a stirring... oh, there was a stirring alright! It stirred me right into NS. I really don't even remember the process... the commercials were running, I would hear them playing, I don't think I ever saw one thru completion... To this day, I've not ever heard Deb say "strut my stuff" hahaha. One day I went to the computer, checked out the site and I was impressed that there was such a HUGE support system at work here... I liked the bb, have to admit to lurking a bit... I like to watch hahaha, ok, I'm being bad. But, I hadn't done anything like the bb before and I wanted to observe and learn protocol... the profiles were my fav... I loved the pictures and reading the stories of everyone involved. I remember thinking what a gyp it was that some people didn't post photos... I LOVE photos. Befores and afters, pets, kids, trips... I HAVE a boatload of pictures and I remember going thru them and I didn't have any of me... typical I know... I was the photographer. Love taking pics. I've always been the one in the family who took the pictures... even in my skinny days. The profiles gave me the courage to have some taken of me so I could post them on my profile. OIY!!! You've heard of the Pillsbury dough boy, well, I'm here to tell ya, the dough boy prefers Mexican women and he wanted me! Yup, I was the Pillsbury's ethnic chica! But I got fired... dough boy likes his chickies chunkie... and THAT my dear, is not me anymore! Hah! But I digress... where was I?
I was doing lots of traveling in the beginning. Mostly with Morgan and her choir competitions, rehearsals, and there were some fun things for me too. Okok, I have fun where ever I go... I was traveling with my food, when I could, but there was a different mindset going on for me this time. It had to do with achieving my goal and not about being on a diet... It had to do with a "life style" change. I'm really sick of that term, but as creative as I am... and I'm VERY creative... I haven't come up with an alternative term... yet!
I was thinking about food differently. Portions became a real eye opener too! I was eating less as a result of the amount of food I was putting on my plate. NS taught me what "a" portion looked like. I was diligent about my water... didn't start to exercise till after about 36 lbs came off. I went easy on myself... I was making a permanent change. I know that anything in life that is long term happens slowly... and so, slowly I went... But it seemed as though the wt was coming off way to fast and I was apprehensive about that... then I realized my exercise routine was making it happen faster. At one point, I was on the eliptical for 45 min, the treadmill for 70 min and I would walk Mr Sassy Pants for 1 hour... about 2 ½ miles. I was in the zone... The majority of the wt came off in 4 months... phenomenal, I know and I was getting closer to goal... my biggest fear at that time was being able to maintain goal. I've been watching those who've achieved goal here and wondering how they've done it. I've been in touch with those I was impressed with and received many clues, hints. I know if I'm to achieve success and maintain success, then I have to seek out those who have also achieved and maintained. Find someone to model. That's my NLP training... I can achieve anything I put my heart and mind and soul to. I know that. I've done it in the past with other things, I can do it with this... ain't nothing but a bump in the road... cocky, eh? Yeah, sometimes I am. And this is still a big fear... gaining the wt back again.
My pop became ill and hospitalized in Sept... I didn't really talk about with you because it was too painful for me. Some of you knew about it... but not many. Anyway, I continued to reduce; even though it was at a much slower rate. My lowest was 169... I was rather cocky that day... even played "sexy back"... that was a fun day. I was sick and knew that I'd put some back on as a result of illness, but that was ok... I was there! Went up to 175 and pretty much maintained that wt thru out the final days of my father, too much alcohol, socializing, sadness, pain, not hearing from people i thought would be there for me and weren't... you know, emotional stuff.
My life is beginning to settle and I'm beginning to acclimate to a new routine, even though I know it's a long process, mom and all. I have new friends now and I'm feeling very fine about myself... yes, I am. And here's the really cool thing... I've been maintaining 178/177 for the last month roughly... Yeah, that's right! During the holidays with all the extra parties, drinking, cookies... and no exercise, to speak of...
Ok, now how do I wrap this up and bring in the "interesting" thing back in again... I don't know... I started to write and this is what came up, remember?
Alright, I think I've a way to close this up... (Yeah, I know... it's a long one...) It's been an "interesting" year... Where i was a year ago is definitely not where I am this year. I'm MUCH happier, content, satisfied with myself. I'm also sad about my dad and other things... I'm more fulfilled, richer, better work environment, still lovelovelove my car... My poochie, Lucas died over the summer, Morgan is happy and Mr Sassy Pants adores me... What else can a woman want in life... yes, I know, but I'm not talking about that HAH!!!! (Very evil wink ;) This experience with you has made me stronger and more secure in many ways and is only preparing me for something even bigger in my future, but once again, noyb...
Happy New Year, my friends... May the pain of 2006 stay there and May only the desirable follow you into 2007. This is our year and we can do this thing... we have each other.
Only the best for you, my dears.
Oh, btw... one day, I'll find that ancient Chinese guy and kick his a$$ :)
I've been very self-indulgent lately. Some would say it's ok considering the events of the last 4 months. I realize I can't afford that type of self-indulgent behavior. I almost wish I hadn't told you about my dad, it would be easier to move ahead... but that's hindsight and I can't afford that either... Soooo, there's nothing like a major dose of reality to slap ya back to itself! I won't share what the reality was... just know it was a hard slap on the ... OUCHIE!
I've been eating NS sporadically for the last week or so but it's been with the addition of some red wine with dinner and those bloody cashews that someone brought into work... Yesterday, I would say I had about a 87% day... those damn cashews again! And I'm down 2 lbs, but here's the thing... I gained more wt since the last time I fessed-up! Just a couple of pounds, but I'm not going to post it. My world, yes?
So, back to the basics... I'm totin' my lil' yellow book around and ticking off all the sq boxes like a good girl to make certain I'm getting what I'm suppose to be getting, including my water.
I wasn't going to write today... it's Wednesday, you know what I mean? Probably not. I've started this entry too many times to count; now, most times that would tell me that it's not wise to write today, but there's something in me that has to be said, something that has to come out. Hmmphf, am I verbally constipated? What a picture that creates hahaha, trust me, not the issue. It's more like writing in a way that I know what I'm saying and you think you know what I'm saying but really haven't a clue. I'm good that way, so I've been told...
Also, I'm on the edge of being depressed... pop, living in sunless
Michigan
, other issues unknown to the majority of you. It would be so easy right now to flip all this off, disappear. So, easy, but I'm not known for taking the easy road, that's a fault. Life could be so different, but that's hindsight blahblahblah. What's my point? Gads, you tell me! Oh, I remember. This edge of depression thing. I know this is part of the mourning thing, how can I be happy right now when someone so vitally important to me has died, there! I said it! My dad died! Enough of soft-coating this moment with using a term like "he passed"! WHATEVER! He's dead and I won't be able to physically experience him again. Enough with all the spiritual blahblahblah b.s. The man is dead. It's not like I had a love affair with some fool and now I won't have to experience his crap again! NO. My dad is dead... a man who was good to me, showed me what it was like to be loved, cared for, protected! Crap! I wasn't going to go here... I'll start over again.
So, Let's see, I think it was "this edge of depression thing". I'm feeling guilty about feeling happy. Typical, I know. I feel guilty that my mom has lost the love of her life and there's nothing I can do but love her. I can't take her pain away. No one can take my pain away. I have to muddle thru it, find those moments of joy. Search out those who make me happy, bring a smile to my face, satisfy me, make me want to act like a fool, make me want to dance till the pounding beat of the music removes all realization from me, till it stops. So... I'm at a crossroads. Which way do I turn or do I go straight... can't turn around... nothing to turn around to. That's over. This is where I choose... what do I choose (did I spell that right?) One of my teachers once said to me, "if you can't decide, then it's not time" I'd like to whack him upside his head right now! I can't stay in this spot... there's nothing to look at, no beautiful scenery to tempt my eyes to ecstasy, no distractions. Yeah, I know, really. Just sit with it... I hate this. I can feel a stronger will from deep within fighting to make me pull out of this thing. Fighting the part of me that wants to wallow in this misery & self-pity. It's not fun being a strong woman... so many people expect so much from me. I have to pull myself out of this. I will, I'll be ok... I come from strong people. I'll probably laughing in 10 min, then crying 10 min later. I'm a woman, I do that.
11 December – Well, didn't I have an interesting weekend? Yes, interesting. Emotional highs and lows, just like a roller coaster. Friday night listening to the piano man sing me to tears and laughter while each song he sang opened old memories vaults, dusting off the songs that took me back to times long forgotten. The stories we shared with each other, me and my friend.As it turned out, someone came in who knew my dad and there were more stories. Saturday night was dinner with my mom, the first time she had anyone over since this all happened. I let her cook to her hearts content. She loves to make Morgan's favorite meal, anything with filet mignon, med rare. My step sister, who lives in the
Napa
Valley
area, grows pomegranates. She brought some along and we had one (it was HUGE) for dessert. Morgan didn't know what to do with it, so Mom taught her. Quite hysterical! I'm not very good at spitting the seeds out of my mouth, I had to pick... I caught all kinds of flack for that! Whatever, never could spit. With each cut into the pomegranate, a ton of juice would pool at the bottom of the plate... I couldn't let that go to waste, could I? No, so I slurped it up! I'm good at slurping. Morgan JUST happened to catch it on video... she's bribing me now... money or posting the video on the ns/ep thing... hmphfff, doesn't she know I already have embarrassed myself here... one more embarrassing moment won't mean a thing! Bring it on kiddo! These people are used to me making an a$$ out of myself for a laugh. (But really, I am going to hide that one... it's bad, absolutely hysterical though hahahaa) I made mom laugh and that's what I was after... I thought she was going to bust a gut! We all laughed! Then she cried again, but she let Morgan console her, so that was nice. Tonight was a Christmas party... great fun. I was able to go someplace and not worry about being sad. I knew the dj... Robert is a great guy... he played this song during cocktails...(oh, sorry, the song would be "just the way you look tonight" by Tony Bennett). He saw the tears well up and was all concerned... funny how men can't watch a woman cry. I explained why... he said some really beautiful things and didn't play anymore rat pack stuff... coward hah! I danced my toes off... they're sore now... received a nice foot rub though, and a very nice early Christmas gift... not going to share, sorry. It was intimate (she says as she giggles ;) I got home late and still not able to sleep... It's going on 7 am now. I guess I'll try.
