Airing my thoughts
Havn't been on here much, suppose I havn't had anything to say!
Well I am going to write my deepest feelings down as I think it will help me to change and get a grip! For years now I have been overweight as a child I wasn't huge but bigger compared to my friends, I got teased called tree trunk legs by my peers. I was always the thinnest in my family as I got older I was probably 1/2 a stone to a stone overweight, but didn't look overweight just voluptuous. I felt confident and felt i looked good, I had a great life, job and group of friends, fantastic social life, it was great! When i was 19 I met a guy who was a lot older than me, to cut a long story short, I ended up falling pregnant, it turned out he was married, I had my baby, it was ok I'd see him everyday, I am sooo not condoning an affair it was the worst thing I have ever done, you cant help who you fall in love with...His wife found out when our baby was less than a year old...He left her, went back, came back to me, went back to her it went on like this for a while...over this period I lost sooooo much weight, I was a size 6 think thats a 4 in US size. I looked too thin but felt great, the confidence I had even tho life was dreadful was amazing...he eventually came to live with me and 11 years on we are still together , happy. over these years the weight has gone on and on and on....I think because I had a taste of being thin, seeing how differently I was treated by people, the respect I got has made how I feel now worse....When I started this weightloss journey, I weighed 13st5 (sorry don't no wot that is in pounds but there are 14lbs in a stone!) In a dress size 16 and these were getting tight..I look like a barrel, I am sooo short, only just 5ft so I just can't carry any weight. I have no confidence, only going out in the world to take my child to and from school, and to the supermarket, I gave up work to go to college which I finished and was going to start my own business up...this has failed, actually it didn't even take off, what a failure, I have no confidence, who'd want to have treatments off me? So at the moment I don't work, financially we can't afford it really, but maybe I am using this as an excuse and I am just a lazy fat cow...I don't like myself, feel that I am worthless, don't deserve to have a life...I want to get out of these feelings, I want to learn to like myself, i wish I was more assertive, confident self assured...I don't know how to do this or where to start...I'm hoping that by losing weight will help in some way...