06/19/2009 10:14
yes!
ok so now 1 kilo of the 1 and a half from last weekend is gone! I did it! I am proud of myself. I will be heard, I will be seen. I will no longer be ignored or not taken seriously.
My Profile
- Name: Frieda
- City: Berlin
- Region: Berlin
- Country: Germany
My Posts
My Weight Loss
| Height: | 165.0cm |
| Start weight: | 68.90kg |
| Current weight: | 69.00kg |
| Goal weight: | 61.00kg |
| Lost to date: | -0.10kg |
| Remaining: | 8.00kg |
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06/17/2009 10:38
Everything is becoming so clear
for the first time in a long time I didn't feel victim to my habits. I suddenly realized how I act/what I do, especially in my relationship , has an effect on everything as well. We all like to think that 'someone' is 'doing' something to hinder us. That may be true, but it also may be true that this 'someone' isn't aware of his/her destructive behavior.-
I noticed this with my husband because we have been having some brutally honest talks lately and I have the impression, that our relationship is getting better again. Then I noticed that after this initial feeling of freedom or excitement of the unknown future, we started falling into some bad habits ( power struggles with regard to money, time (family vs. individual), houshold chores and attractiveness). I was able to see what was going on and then told my husband what I had observed.- a credit to him that he was really receptive and listened. He then agreed that is was as I had seen it.
When we feel threatened we go back to bad habits ( EATING to destroy myself, to spite someone....but I only hurt myself and hate myself then). I gained a kilo and a half in 4 days. I suppose it may have been inevitable, given the fact that our youngest son had his birthday last Saturday and we had 3 celebrations ( family, friends, at the daycare center). That meant 3 glorious cakes and I am the kind of cook who always tastes to see if it is right! No wonder.
But somehow I knew that would happen and I am now going back down...have lost a half of the one and a half gained already. Good to know that weight doesn't have to be permanent, that we can undo what we have done....
So, back to work with a very realistic view on life. You get out of life what you put into it in terms of being honest with yourself.
I hope all of you are being good to yourselves.
Have a good day.
06/03/2009 21:54
what is your motive?
Not motivation...motive....why do I want to lose weight? Is it for me or someone else or is it for revenge?
Feeling insecure because I am pretty sure that my husband does not find me attractive. He seems to be in a distinct minority. Ironic that that the one who I chose to be with apparently long term is the one who seems not to want anything to do with me ( physically let's say)-
So suddenly, instead of wanting to lose weight for me, I fantasize about losing it so that he will find me ravishing so that I can say...sorry honey. Pretty crass isn't it? I mean, if I find myself unattractive now, for more than just the weight, is it fair to expect him to find me so?
Do I find him attractive all the time? No! But he is much younger than I am...
I am so tired of holding back and holding myself back...why the hell can't I take my own advice and realize eating is the one thing nobody can interfere with or sabatage?
any thoughts? I am trying to think in terms of ' I can do it' but am stuck on ' I would like to be able to.'
05/23/2009 20:18
only have yourself
Whatever is going on, you only have yourself.
If you don't re'spect yourself, you cannot demand that people respect you. You are special. Don't let people make you feel otherwise.
I am, however, pissed off. I hate the fact that my husband is in his own world, needs to figure out stuff. That means I cannot expect anything from him, am not allowed to want or need or demand anything from him. He is happiest when left alone. I hate this. I know that I cannot expect anyone to make me happy, that I have to do that for myself. But waiting around another year to see if there is a way to perhaps love eachother again seems pretty ridiculous at this point.
what to do? I notice that eating or not eating has no effect on my deepest emotions and I wish I could have the strength to just not care about him
05/03/2009 21:05
patience...slow and steady
I have been finding that if I weigh myself almost every day, I avoid massive ups an downs. It doesn't yet mean that I am totally being good to myself, (e.g., enjoying eating, eating for energy and pleasure), but faced with reality in the morning, I am more likely to keep that in mind during the day..So I have lost 1 Kg total, slow but steady. Before, I would have had a pig out day and then would not have gone on the scale for a week for fear...and then I would have kept eating , kind of trying to fool myself.
I know this isn't a good approach for everyone, and perhaps I'll tire of it as well. At this point, though, daily reality is helping me get a feel for striving to feel good.
have a good night and a great week everyone!
04/26/2009 21:37
first test
This is the first test....to write when I don't feel like I have anything to say. To write when I haven't made startling progress but haven't harmed myself either ( like eating to supress emotions)
So I guess this is progress. But how to continue? So much trauma and stress right now. Job ok, projects not at critical junctures- that comes later in the summer at the same time we have to move and my oldest son starts school. Oh, we haven't found a daycare center with space for the youngest son. Oh, did I mention the relationship crisis?
one hour later and I have just spoken to my sister for the first time in about months. She has gotten wise ....the changes that are happening are good.
so tired....
have a good night.
04/24/2009 13:42
why the torture?
So strange to feel that feeling when I am under 69,5. I move differently, feel good, and my problems seem solvable. Stupi, but sometimes I think I cannot handle feeling too good...like I am so used to having so many problems that when something is just for me, and feels good, I don't quite know what to do. So what happens? I test the boundaries of weight...hmmm how much can I enjoy eating until I feel bad again?
You would think that at 40, being intelligent enought, that I wouldn't do something like this. You would think that I would say 'Great!' in this plethora of dilemmas and crises that something is going well. But I ruin it.
Oh well the good part is that if I just take care for 2 days or so, the good feelings will return.
04/21/2009 15:51
happy and exhausted
Dozing through my break...
1. Went to an improv comedy workshop last night again. Instead of environment games, we played emotion games. Strange how one is so exposed when one plays a role. I reveal nothing really of myself ( or so I think) when I am just me on stage, like taking part in a poetry slam, playing soccer or being an mc. But this just stumped me..My 'characters' revealed so much of what is going on emotionally with me...not directly because it is always playing a game and not 'acting' a full length script, but I felt good getting to those feelings....
2. because of those 3 demanding hours last night and and the fact that my youngest son had a stomach ache and he kept us up all night so that I got 1 hour of sleep, I am dazed and forgot to eat breakfast....was famished and had a good lunch...no desperation eating...
04/20/2009 08:43
good start to the week
yay,
a bit of weight lost...slow and steady. Working from home today to save the commute and get all of my hours in before picking the kids up and taking them to the dentistvfor a check up....
Tonight I have a workshop...my second time there for improv comedy. Finally taking the time to do something challenging for myself. My husband thinks it is great!
04/19/2009 21:13
dealing with the past
great morning with my kids today at a super playground early this morning....actually got a nap today for the first time in months! I feel like a new person...
So, just when I was thinking oh hell with running and being so frustrated that I don't manage to be able to fit in in ( maybe in a half a year when my littlest boy isn't up at 5:45!), my best friend, who also lives in Europe, and I were talking about my last visit almost 7 years ago. She mentioned pictures that I had never seen, taken after a 30 km (!) run through the hills of the Alentejo. She said I had never looked better and that I was soooo gorgeous. She was right. in shape and in love....How can one not pine for the past?
I am doing a great job at work and my kids are wonderful as well. Just gotta take care of myself as well as I do others. Less self abuse, more positive attitude?
So, just when I was thinking oh hell with running and being so frustrated that I don't manage to be able to fit in in ( maybe in a half a year when my littlest boy isn't up at 5:45!), my best friend, who also lives in Europe, and I were talking about my last visit almost 7 years ago. She mentioned pictures that I had never seen, taken after a 30 km (!) run through the hills of the Alentejo. She said I had never looked better and that I was soooo gorgeous. She was right. in shape and in love....How can one not pine for the past?
I am doing a great job at work and my kids are wonderful as well. Just gotta take care of myself as well as I do others. Less self abuse, more positive attitude?