1/2 Way Through

I can't believe that summer is half over!!!   Hopefully everyone has been enjoying as much as me.   As far as my goals - LOL.  I haven't slowed down in the workout area on bit.  And that's a good thing because I've been eating more than I think I should.   BUT, with that said, I've been maintaining my weight - within 4 lbs (depending on the week I hope on the scale).   Hey, I'll take that - enjoying life and not gaining weight.  I couldn't be happier.

I know in the fall I'll be able to put my nose back into the food journal and get focused again so I can get those last few pounds off.  But for now, its' okay to let it go.  Thank goodness the workouts have continued, and some days even gotten more intense - that's saving me.

Continue you have a great summer my EP friends!!!!   I look forward to returning home (not really) and getting back in contact with all of you.  Miss you guys!  Take care and stay strong, but enjoy!

Stickin' With It

Unfortunately, we had to return home today to take care of some 'in town' business.  We already miss the lake, but the DSL is good (gotta find the little benefits where you can).

So far so good, as far as my summer plan.  I haven't cut down on the exercise much (if at all), but I have not been obssessing about the food.  This morning I was surprised at a scale number decrease (and pleased).  It's hard to find balance!  But I will keep trying and I will NOT go backwards. 

Hope everyone has started to enjoy summer!  Life is good.  Stay strong with your choices and be good to yourself.  I miss all my EP friends and "gabbing" with you all. I feel out of touch, but there just isn't another option right now.  Take care, M

Poppin' In

Back to civilization and high speed internet!!!!    Camping trip was great, being at the lake is great, but having dial up is NOT so great.  I miss my EP fix and all my EP friends!!!!    Thankfully in the next week we will get into our summer schedule, which does involve being at home one day a week (somebody has to come here to mow the lawn) and I should be able to log on a little more frequently.

Workout wise - I am so totally on track.   I have adjusted my schedule a little and included kayakking (which you can't do here in the winter).   Even while away camping (and while dh was here this weekend visiting) I've gotten up early and not missed a day of workouts.   While gone I walked, and walked, and walked.  Saw the sun come up over the sand dunes and set on Lake Michigan.  Worked on the trails, the beach (burr had to bundle up), and along Lakeshore Dr.  Even did some jogging (which because of my knee is a no, no but I just really wanted to try it).   So exercise I am totally fine.

Yesterday was the end of my 4 wk plan.  Disappointed in myself - TOTALLY.  Talk about a wasted month.  I only lost 1.5 lbs and only 2 inches.   I am not disappointed in my losses, but in myself.  I totally wasted this month by making HORRIBLE food choices.  Just horrible.    Emotional eating was something I FOUGHT with everyday.  You know that I mentioned this demon I've been slaying.  Well, still doing it and not very successfully I might add.  I've actually decided to just let this demon reside in my neck of the woods for now and try to avoid it.   I know avoidance won't work long term, but I just can't fight it anymore. I just can't.  And unfortunately I have chosen to let it take it's toll on my eating habits.   SO - today was a new day.   Shaky at best I say this.  I MUST gain control again and get back on my eating plan.   The worst part is, I like my eating plan and it's something I can do and live with.  But these old habits are just inching themselves back in.   I know that you can't change 25 years of bad habits in 5 mths.  I'm giving myself no slack, nor do I feel I should.  I have just wasted a month, wasted.   Thankfully I have not gone backwards, number wise (and that's totally because of the workouts and punishments I've doled out).   But I don't want to fight this food fight.  I just want to keep going forward - or at least stay the same in terms of eating.  I want these new habits to be what I choose, not these old habits.

Okay - enough whining.  I'm not on here enough and I certainly don't need to take up time with whining!!!   So today, and for sure tomorrow I will eat within my limitis.  My biggest priority is getting back to my 10 servings of fruits/veggies a day.  Second priority, no more alcoholic beverages.  Third, balance out or space out when I eat during the day.   These are things I know I can do.  They are not hard, I just need to make them a prioirty.  Even have them on a list on the fridge.

Another thing someone just told me about it to make it a rule to not eat anything unless you are sitting down.  I thought how simple that sounded but then realized I really do eat a lot of my calories (especially when I'm off track) when I'm standing and snacking.  So I'm going to try this.  If I'm going to eat something, I must sit down.  Not more grab and snack.  Wonder how it's going to work?

Okay, I've missed all of you.  I miss reading your successes and struggles.  I have missed your motivation and support.  Being away makes this saying hit home - you don't miss what you never had.  Thing is, now I've had these things and while I'm away I've missed them.  Thanks for the support I have gotten, even when I couldn't respond. 

Let's keep at this together.  Let's get into those summer clothes/suits we've always wanted to wear.  Let's get some outdoor activity into our lives.  Let's do this, because I know we CAN!!!

I'm Gone

We are at the lake, my feet are up, and we've even had a "beginning of the summer drink", and now I'm waiting on dial up.   I've got tons to unpack but  competely don't care.  RELAXING!!!!   It is just so good to be here.

Tomorrow moring we are leaving for 7 days of camping and by tomorrow night at this time I will smell like campfire and be sitting with my feet up enjoying the good life.   So I won't be around EP until the end of next week.  Everyone stay strong in your choices and focus.  I'll think of you, but won't be able to do a thing about it.

Take care all!

Coming Changes

Okay, yesterday I ended up having another solid day. Did eat some crackers that were not planned, but they didn't put me out of my desired calorie range.  Got a good workout done early and managed to keep it together for the day.  Already today, workout is done and food is planned (so far on track too).

Big changes are on the way for me.  They make me nervous!!!   As some of you know, I homeschool my son and our school year is about over.  Like tomorrow is the last day.  Now when you homeschool it seems there are a lot of days that actually "school" days.  But officially in our heads, tomorrow is the last day of seatwork for us.  Also tomorrow, which some of you already know, we are moving to our summer home for 4 months.   This is the best time of year for us.  First, I get to be a parent and child again!!!  Let me explain - when you homeschool sometimes the line between parent and teacher gets very blurry.  So for the next 4 months, almost all of my time is just spent being a mother (something that I love more than anything in the world).  So that is totally cool.   My son and I are very close, but we both prefer the times in our year when I'm not being the "teacher".  The getting to be a child part is also special because my mother comes and lives with us for the 4 months at the lake.  Both my son and I are VERY close to her too.  But living with mom gives me a chance to be a kid too.  She takes care of me, I take care of her, we both take care of my son and he takes care of us.  It is truly a unique opportunity that we all have come to cherish and look forward to happening every year.  I would go as far to say, it kind of defines our entire year.  Everything is about our time at the cottage.   I also have to say that I kind of have my head in the sand because I expect this to last forever and I know that is not the case - I know my son will grow up (and out) and I know my mother will not always be here.  That's what makes it even more special.  Every minute I can eek out of this, I do!!!

So with the coming address change will also come change in habit.  I am worried!!!!   I have promised my body that I will exercise like a "normal" person.  So tomorrow morning is the last 3 hr work out session and the last 27 out of 28 day regime.  I am going to take one day off a week and I'm going to work out less.  There are other activities that will take center stage.   I am feeling anxious about this change, but I'm hoping it will work out.   I'm close to my goal and I know it won't come as quickly as the other pounds I've shed.   I'm okay with that.  I look forward to more intense workouts - with cardio coach.  I look forward to doing some defining on areas of my body that need it.  I look forward to not having this be the center of my life every waking minute. I look forward to actually living with the success I've had and learning to live/enjoy this new lifestyle.  And all of this without gaining back any of the weight I've lost.

My plan was to be at 130 and leave for the summer, stay at that weight all summer with the modified workouts and correct eating, and then return home in the fall and finish up.  That is still pretty much my plan.  If I end up getting this last 10 lbs off over the summer, great.  But if not, I know I have a plan and I know that I can return to killer workouts in the fall.

At this point I'd say I was anxious, but also comfortable.  I know I have done good work for my wellness.  I know I have started completely new habits that are good.  I know that I can do this.   And I also know that it will only take a minute and I can be thrown into a tail spin, but thankfully after my last 2 weeks - I know I can get out of the tailspin without wrecking everything I have worked so hard for.

So lots of changes for me!!!!   I'm trying not to be afraid.  I'm trying to understand walking out of my comfort zone (of living here and staying with my current routine) will not be the end to what I've done.  I'm trying to embrace these changes.   Hopefully, they don't rock the boat!!!

Being at the lake also means less time for EP.  Two reasons, one we only have dial up out there and sometimes I'm just not patient enough.  And two, sometimes sitting on the dock and swinging my legs in the water, while I'm talking to my son and/or mom is just way more important than hooking up to the computer.  So please understand that I will be away a little.   I will probably be a little slower to respond, a little slower to share, and a little slower with my encouragement.  I'm sorry about these things!  But no fear, I'll still be around.  We need to all remember to keep putting our wellness first!!!!  We are worth it!!!! And together, we are going to accomplish positive things for ourselves!!!!

Moving Ahead

I'm okay (although I have to keep reminding myself of that).  Yesterday ended up being totally on track.  Today I started with another early workout session, and added CC4 (1 and 2 challenges).  I'm still feeling I need to punish myself, so that's the reason for my regular workout, plus the extra CC.  And I'm really liking the CC too, so it's not a bad punishment.  Still afraid of the scale, but I've promised myself I will try it tomorrow morning.  Then I will know where I'm at in terms of a number.

Today, foodwise, I've been fine.  I planned my eating day and I'm on track.  My hardest part of the day hasn't passed yet, so I've got my fingers crossed that I will stay on track.  If things go as planned, I should be fine.  A friend is suppose to drop by after work and that might change things a bit.  But I can be strong!  And my current plan has a little room for extra - key being "little" not binge.

Step by step, I'm making progress and I'm grateful for that!!!!   Hopefully you are all having a strong day and no temptations have swayed your resolve.

Taking My Lumps

Well I can now tell you what happens, "the day after"!!!  I woke up early to work out, and boy was it BAD.  I feel horrible today.  The after affects of crappy eating is YUCK!  I know I didn't enjoy eating all that junk for the amount of negative I'm feeling!!!!    Sluggish and just not "on", is what I am battling.

I did get my work out in, early.  Then I was feeling the need to punish myself, so I finished with my 3 hrs and then tried CardioCoach #4.   Yes, after all my regular work.   I was able to get 25 extra minutes in and at good intensity.   I'm grateful for the extra.  Although my legs have been moaning about it for the last 2 hours.    In this horrible mess of things I've been dealing with I have been grateful for no missed workouts.  And I try to put extra in wherever I can, like this morning and this afternoon I'm meeting a friend to walk on the track.   So at least that didn't faulter.   Oh and I need to say this - I LOVED the CardioCoach workout.   I had bought it to use over the summer when my workout venue will be different, but I"m so glad I tried it out today.   I love intensity!!!!

So I figure I'm about half way through my day and I'm doing fine.  I'm on track, although not feeling particularly impressed with myself.  I couldn't even face the scale this morning, which is probably for the best, and I absolutely obsess about the scale!   Maybe tomorrow?   Maybe not, depending on how I feel.   What I really want to do is finish today strong.  The rest of my day is planned, in terms of food.   Half way there and no faultering in that area.   My workout is done and I've already done extra, have another walk planned and might be able to get out after dinner to walk some more.  And if I can just stay out of the kitchen after 6pm, I should make today okay.   Hopefully tomorrow I will feel, not only physically, but mentally better.    I might need to check back in here again today, just to keep myself straight!

Hope everyone's Monday has been strong so far.  If you are struggling, hang in there - we can do this.  If you are having success, enjoy it!!!

Guilt

Man, even when I stray from doing the right thing I get support from my EP friends.  Now that is truly unconditional support if I've ever seen it!!!!

So what does 50,000 calories look like?? Have no idea, but I think I know what it's feels like - once you've eaten them.  Yesterday's trip lead to a complete fall down today.  C O M P L E T E!!!!   Today has been horrible!!!!   And now the worse part, the mental beating I am going to take for not only tripping, but falling down.  I have not done this kind of thing in 7mths.  And now, here it is, yelling in my face.

I don't know if it's because I reached my goal and then changed it.  I don't know if the self sabotage is messing with that.  I don't know if it's the extremely difficult personal demon that is still dancing in my neck of the woods (and now invited a few of his favorite friends to join him in taunting me).  Is it that I just don't feel like I deserve to live at my goal or reach my next goal.  Is it expectations?  Is it me not living up to my commitments to myself?  WHAT??????   Stress??  Fear of success??  WHAT????

And not only am I beating myself up, but I feel guilty to admit this to my EP friends, who have been so supportive and encouraging!

What I'm trying to figure out now is how to STOP this behavior (and stop it now).   And how to get back on track.  I know one day at a time, I know I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but will I do it???? I want to, but do I want it enough???  I have to take my power back from the demon.  I can NOT let him have my wellness.  

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm at a stand still and saying, "YOU CAN NOT TAKE THIS FROM ME."  I sure hope it's enough.  I know it will be for today.  I know I can do this the rest of today.  Tomorrow, I will deal with tomorrow but I need to be strong.  I need to be stronger than the stress in my life.  I NEED TO FIGHT for strong choices.  I will NOT let 2 bad days (and a week worth of unfocused days) throw.  Now that I've said/typed all this - PLEEZE LET IT BE SO!!!!

Hope your weekend has been more succesful than mine.  Again, I appreicate your support and suggestions.  I wish I was healthy enough to actually have a 'break' day, but it appears one day for me leads to worse behavior and I need to be more strict with myself.  Maybe one day I will be healthy enough to make those choices, but for now I see that I need to live a "walk the line" lifestyle or I could spiral back into my old lifestyle.  Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions.  I do appreicate them!!!!

Pizza Won

After months of doing this whole thing - the need to eat pizza finally won out today.  Stress has been extremely high and I have been doing my best to beat the urge to eat (and then the opposite urge to not eat), today I just couldn't do it anymore.  So we had pizza for dinner AND breadsticks.  Then I made chocolate chip cookies to deliver to a dear friend tomorrow.  And naturally I couldn't escape eating about 1/2 dzn.   Today really has been my worst eating day since the beginning of this year!!!  And yes, I am beating myself up.  Thankfully it's about time for bed.  Tomorrow, is another day!!!  I will welcome it with a wonderful workout and put today behind me.

Worst part is, the pizza wasn't even that satisfying.  Maybe that means I won't craze it so much??? Hope so.   I've really got to get my head in the game for this week.  My goal is to have 5 excellent days in a row (Sun-Thur).  I am planning for high intensity workouts and in range eating days.  That's my plan anyway.  I think I can stick to it.

Happy Mother's Day tomorrow to all my EP friends - those with and without kids (or kids of different species).   Hopefully no one else got attached my the pizza hauntings today, like me.  Strong choices everyone!

Balance vs. Extreme

I am struggling to get balance in my life!   I know this is a journey, with many aspects to consider and change along the way.   And my lack of balance (and extreme behaviors) affects many areas of my life.   So I'm not trying to figure out how to balance wellness with my "real" life.  

It use to be I way over ate when I was dealing the stress, emotions, etc. (like even weather, tv shows, sun coming up and/or going down - you get the point).   And I have worked very hard during the last 7 months to not medicate with food, to not binge, to not abuse food.   And most days, and in most situations I have been successful.  Or at least I have shortened my food abuses.  Now now the pendulum has swung the other way (extreme beahavior vs. balance) - maybe dangerously so.  Now when I'm struggling with things that are not weight loss related, I don't eat enough (more like don't eat at all).   So I need to learn to balance this aspect of this journey.  I need to stop the extremes with food!

I also need to balance my exercise.  I know it was pretty extreme to work out 27 of 28 days (3 hrs per day), but it was an effort to hit a goal.  Now I need to find a way to balance out the difference between not needing to drop so much weight (I'm within 10 lbs I think of being at my final goal), and wanting to stay working out but not in an obsessive way.   I'd like to exercise less, in terms of time, and also get a day off a week - without worrying of what is going to happen to my body.  I need to start finding balance between being in the lossing weight mode and the maintainence mode.

I need to find balance between being a mother, wife, homeschool teacher, friend, and finding time for myself.  It seems I try to give 100% to each area and that's doesn't always work (guess what normally gets missed most often?)

I need to find balance between "expected" body image and "real" body image.  When will I get to the point where what I've done be enough to be satisfied?  When will I relax and trust I can handle this and know that I"ve learned the right things and stop worrying about a change making all I've done go away.

I have found that keeping this journal has helped.  I can actually SEE where I'm out balance (like the food, if I hadn't been writing it down daily I wouldn't have a clue I had eaten so few calories for so many days in a row).  I wouldn't be able to see the amount of time I have worked out daily.  I don't think I'd be able to actually SEE this huge ball rolling down a hill (and unfortunately gaining momentum).

I'm ready for the next step in this process.  I've gotten some good behaviors started and some of them even ingrained in my life.  But now I'm ready for the "fine tuning" of this process.  And balance is something that will help, I think.  Of course I'm just rambling, but this has been on my mind since this past weekend.  I've really been taking a good look at some of my behaviors (a few pointed out by a family member and friend on exactly the same day, same behavior and I know they didn't talk, so it must be noticable).  I'm grateful that I can "get this out" here in a safe environment.  Maybe one of you will have experienced this too and be able to give me some guidance.   It's just something I know could be (no, truthfully it actually IS a problem) and I don't want to get out of control or the extreme the opposite way of how I lived before I started this journey!

Thanks for listening.   Hope you all had a balanced day!  Let's keep working on ourselves, together.