10/30/2007 00:51
Stressful week ahead
...... what can I say...more medical stuff coming up this week. I was really hoping that I was done with all of the medical stuff and then the doc called again. *sigh*
I was the winner of a second mammogram and the booby prize is .... that I get to wear a pink gown and robe this Wednesday and have a needle biopsy!! I am a little nervous. Okay, okay, I am scared to death. Cancer runs in my family and I just hope that it hasn't run to me.
I wouldn't normally be very worried but because of all the other crap that has happened in the last year I fear that I am falling apart at the age of 44!
I will keep everyone updated this week. Thanks for all your support. 
10/21/2007 14:43
Happy Sunday
It is a beautiful day in Montana today. It warmed up enough so I can have my windows open. 54 degrees!!! I am not looking forward to winter and having the house shut up.
We are supposed to have a mild winter this year. I sure hope so. I have seen the actual temperature at 60 below zero with a windchill of 100 below. 
BRRRRRRR
When the weather gets so cold the last thing you think about doing is walking. I am 200 miles from the closest shopping mall so walking around the mall is out of the question!
I have decided to weigh myself only once a week from now on. I know that will give me more patience. I seem to think that if the scale does not change in a day I am failing. This weight didn't get on in a day and it won't come off in a day either. Duh what was I thinking???
I hope everyone has a great day!!
Thanks for listening.
Traci
10/19/2007 18:49
Thank You
After leaving my last blog I looked at the comments that everyone left for me. I want to Thank all of you for your support. It cheered me up reading your comments!!
To clarify my medical problems here goes.... are you ready???
Oct 27, 2006 I went in to have a total hysterectomy. I found out that because of a rather small birth canal they would have to cut me from hip to hip. I was expected to be out of work for 6 weeks.
The start of Nov I started to fill up with fluid from the surgery. I had a large edema the size of a honeydew in my pubic area. I had to hold it when I walked!!
That started me going to the doctor every 2 weeks to be drained. This entailed driving 372 miles round trip to the doctor. (we live in rural Montana) I had to lay on the table and have large needles inserted into my lower abs to drain this fluid.
One day they did a ultra sound and found that I had a large unknown organism growing in half of my stomach!
Dec 21, 2006 was the second surgery to remove this organism. They left the drain tubes in for 3 weeks this time to ensure that I would not have the same problem as last time.
I was looking forward to finally recovering. I wanted to get back to a normal life.
My stomach started to bloat and I had sharp pains. Guess what! Hernia! I had been keeping my self esteem up through all of this. The Doctor actually told me that I was the most pleasant person that he has ever met from North East Montana.
March 29, 2007 was hernia surgery. I now have two scars that run from hip to hip. Above and below my belly button. So with the silver stretch marks that came with my children it looks as if I have a large mouth on my stomach with teeth!
Since the last major surgery I have had to have 3 minor ones to try and close the gap that does not seem to want to close.
May 31, 2007 was the last time that they cut on me. I have went back and they want to try and get the keloids cut out but I told them, Not today. I know that I will never wear a bikini again so what difference will it make if I have one more scar?
I am sorry if I grossed all of you out. I just wanted to let you all know that I did not have the GB surgery. The doc and I talked about it but I want to be able to taste my food and I don't want to go under the knife again!!
So I am still pretty much a easy going person. I know that this day will pass and there are many happy days to come.
Thanks for listening.
10/19/2007 18:25
Tears came falling down
This day started out pretty good. I lost 1 pound yesterday! It got me motivated to clean house.
After all of my medical procedures the house has been neglected. So today I decided to tackle the dust bunnies that have been hiding through out the house!
My honey came home with my daughter and they had a new shirt for me. You see we own a bar/casino and a distributor gave Ron a Jack Daniels T-shirt for me. It is a size 2X.
I was in the bedroom dusting when they came home. I have my long hair up in a pony tail. Wearing a long t-shirt and yoga pants from Old Navy. (Like I would ever do yoga! LOL). Not looking my best, they bring me this shirt.
My daughter is 15 and 5'5 1/2 and weighs 117 pounds, Ron is taller and almost the same size!!
They hold up this t-shirt and show me. In my mind it looks like the size of a tent. My daughter holds it up while standing next to Ron and they can both fit into it at the same time.
I feel that it will be way to big for me. I am hurt that they actually thought that it would fit me! They must think that I am the size of an Elephant.
Lo and behold I try the shirt on for them just to prove that it is way to large. To my surprise it actually fit pretty good.
I don't see myself as that large. I am actually shocked when I look in the mirror and catch a glance at myself.
Needless to say, tears welled up in my eyes as I took the shirt off. They both asked me what was wrong. Did they say something to hurt my feelings?
How do you explain to people who have never had an issue with their weight, the deep feelings of shame that can rush to the surface at a moments notice?
I asked them to leave so I could finish cleaning. They both came over and gave me a family hug and told me that they loved me. That just made me cry more, and they hugged harder.
I know that they accept me as I am, but I don't. I do not want to let my weight run my life anymore!!
I am hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day. 
10/18/2007 22:59
I think I figured this out!!
Hello to anyone listening.... I think that I finally figured this blog thing out. LOL
I talked with a friend today that has had the gastric bypass surgery. She lost a lot of weight really fast. I was impressed. Until she told me that she can only eat 2 tablespoons of food three times a day because her stomach is the size of an egg!!! I asked her if that was healthy and she told me that she takes vitamins. I then asked her if she took her vitamins was she full? She said yes! She also told me that she has to cut her food up into tiny pieces and chew it for a long time before she can swallow it. She said that she doesn't really taste her food.
That did it for me. I am no longer thinking of having this surgery. I will struggle and take off the weight a little at a time.
I know that the old saying is "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" but I think that I would rather taste my food than go through what she goes through daily.
So here I am watching what I eat and trying to get moving so I can take off the pounds that have been weighing me down for too long!!
I hope that everyone has a good day!!
10/15/2007 11:03
Frustrated
Hello to anyone that is listening......
I have been very frustrated lately. I have had to have six surgeries in the last year and they want to do another one!! I feel that I am not healing properly because of my weight. So here goes..... I have lost 5 lbs since I started eating differently. I do not want to say diet "Die with a T" because I consider it a lifestyle change.
I daydream about exercising and that is about as far as it goes... LOL I am still a little uncomfortable from all of the medical stuff so my energy is low. I wish that we could just will away the pounds but that will never happen until I get off my fat behind and move.
