The trouble with me

is that i am my own worst enemy and my worst critic. I feel i have to post this for myself  so that i can understand how i can be in order to make changes for the better.

I set myself unrealistic goals that i am bound to fail. I make myself feel inferior because of my weight and  i cant accept myself for who i am.

Who am i

I am me who puts everyone else before myself. Who does things for others(maybe because i like to rescue) but when i need help no one is there for me. Yet i don't let those around me know how that makes me feel and its festers inside. Well that was before i took my head out of the sand and realised that i need to rescue myself. I started off this year thinking i was going to say no and not feel guilty about it and that i was going have more me time.

2005 was the worst time for me ever, in March my mom died suddenly of a heart attack. I lived with my mom having moved back to care for her after a fall and her health deteriorated so much that my independent and strong mother needed caring for. On the morning my mom had her heart attack I  went to bits when she collapsed and my sister had to try and revive her. Emergency services tried also and at hospital but her heart was too faint to be revived. Everything was so unreal i couldn't accept that she wouldn't be here anymore. Grief goes through stages and i never got the time to mourn for my beloved mother as the day after her funeral my dad, who had been ill for sometime but played down how he was feeling, was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I just felt that i couldn't  take anymore . I couldn't even cry, everything was building up but i was too scared to let it out in case i lost it altogether. My dad