Haven't posted for ages but doing quite well

My diet has been going well even in the face of stress and strife i had 2 car crashes in a week but still getting thru it...

I am considering Cambride as the 'counselling' its slow and boring i have to buy a new car as my curent car is a write off and will need a newer car and could usesome of the current LL expenditure.

Note to self

It's my weigh in tomorrow.

I always get het up about getting weighed and having no change! but this week will be my own fault as i have sabotaged all my efforts to stay on track. I have enough foodpacks to last me untill monday. I could really kick myself i feel like i have no control whatsoever and i really miss being in ketosis as i am fed up and tired. Yes i know that i only have myself to blame and i wish i had a reason as to why i am sabotaging my new found happier self.  MUST TRY HARDER

2nd week

I really should post more often as a lot happens in a week.

Feel out of sorts today and yesterday i wanted to cry but couldn't  so i went to bed early and had a good sleep. Stressful today at work but i stayed calm walked away, which was good.

i bought some ketosticks today and looking at the pink helped my mood and was a good strategy to stop me eating. Came home and had my soup i hate the bars but can stomach the nutty crunch as i'm not able to make the soups/shakes up driving up and down motorways.

Weigh in on wednesday and i alawys have mixed feelings about it as i worry that i won't lose anything and i will jump off the wagon. I've done my week 2 homework about setting goals and have set myself realistic ones. I've even been discusssing  shared goals with my other half sometimes he looks at me like i've grown 2 heads. Although he did compliment me and say that my @rse isn't filling my baggy pj'sanymore. 2 colleagues have mentioned my weight loss so that has helped me feel good about what im doing and if its working.I could do with a boost and buy a new outfit i keep going into the supermarket and buying magazines and make up anything thats not edible.

I have so much to lose

Yes I do have so much to lose if i give up, like my sanity . I can and i will do it. i've been doing a mantra today. Went to bed last night starving and read a book when i woke up this morning i had a headache and felt sick. I So wanted a duvet day and i did go back to bed for a while got up had a bath very hot bath it was lovely except the steam made my hair curl and i was too late to get the hets iron out. I  then forced a shake down. Rushed off to work LATE as usual and forgot to take a pack with me. Damn i was so hunry at 3.

Resulting in me wanting to eat everything in sight when i got home I've got to admit i had a few picks of salmon and left the kitchen with my thai chilli soup( it wasn't bad ). Tis very hard going but ive been in a good mood and i know my husband is expecting my rollercoaster moods but i still wasn't moody  even when i felt like S**T this morning. Although my favourite colleague got on my tits  today as she so very  fake and always has to try an compete against me to get in favour with our boss and clients???

Got my first pop in tomorrow and im looking forward to seeing how the others have done. I cant wait for the hunger to go but the ketosis breath will not be welcome.

I made it through my first day

Phew!  I did my first day on LL and I found it quite hard going. Its the not eating anything and  no picking.  I dont usually have a slim fast shake until 12 but today i felt hungry at 9 but i held off and  kept drinking water until 10 and then i had a raspberry shake.

I was a bit stressed today and had 2 soups at  once about 1 and i was really full. I had my fourth pack at 5 today and i felt panic rise as i had no packs left. I've been guzzling water this evening and i've had 2 coffees. I'm pleased i did though im a much better person when im in control and i feel like. I've even bought some new books to read so that will be my distraction tonight. 

finally really getting started

I went to my first Lighter life meeting,last night, felt very nervous everyone was there for the same reasons. This is the last time for me and a few there said that also. Came away feeling very positive and motivated clasping my lighter life bag. Ready to fight my destructive self.

Jumped out of bed today and i'm ready to start the day....  I am going to slow down,workwise,for the next few days so if i get bad withdrawals i can have those at home.

what! no hangover binges

I went out last night for a friends birthday after much indecision but  i really enjoyed it. I wore an outfit i had bought at christmas and it was definately  looser.I had a lot to drink and felt hungry at the end of the night avoided the kebabs shops and went home to bed. I normally have an appetite the morning after but wasn't hungry and had my first shake at 12.

My 2nd week - Good versus Bad the fight inside my head

I have found the past week a struggle regarding food and my mood. which is my tangled emotions of guilt and beating myself up. I'm snappy as hell which made my laid back partner really letting me know how i am effecting the household. He told me my diet doensn't agree with me as im too moody! Maybe, but ever since i have been given a date to start Lighter life i have enabled the voice inside my head win and talk me into giving up on my current plan. because its better to start on the 24th. The same voice that when i lose weight tries hard and succeds to get me to fall off the wagon at times i wonder if it's because lifes less threatening when im cocooned inside my padded body. Why do i have such a destructive 2nd being inside me a fight inside my head good versus bad...

So i have beating myself up again and i daren't discuss it with my partner as i feel weak and silly. He is an ideal weight very fit and toned! He can stop when he's hungry and he can even eat less when he's not training. Again i often ask him why he's with me.

Yes the battle with me is inside my head and until i re write and re work 'the rule' i can't jump off this merry go round that is my life. Why am i such a head doer?

what doesn't break us makes us stronger

needed me. It was hard to watch him suffer. The ward was awful everyday a bed would be cordoned off and you could hear relatives crying then the next tim e i would visit it would have another patient in. Death surrounded me everyday. my dad has always been a strong man but i had to watch him wither away one sunday afternoon i went to the hospital and i saw him and i was so shocked at how much weaker he looked at time my dad looked ok yes he had lost weight but he would sit and talk and laugh. Today he couldn't talk and i sat and held his hand tears steaming down my  face i couldn't even hug him as i was scared to hurt him. The doctors said that he would be better in a hospice. But the next day i got a call saying that he wouldn't last the night. Monday came and went and my dad was still fighting. I have a step sister from my dads 1st marriage and she was aware that he was ill but hadnt rang i had been leaving messages on her phone about his progress. Finally she rang Tuesday evening and i put the phone to his ear and she spoke to him. After the call my dad took his last breaths i told him i loved him and held his hand, it was if someone was helping him to go. He was finally at peace. I used to pray that he would be taken away from the pain and finally he was,

What doesn't break us makes us stronger i believe that so much. I have to carry on for myself and my son especially its been hard and i know that i haven't dealt with my grief properly but i've done the best i could. I think about both of them daily and they have given me their strength to carry on and i'm blesssed for having them both for as long as i did they where both too young to die but i know that wherever they are they suffer no more and i get  peace from that .

The trouble with me

is that i am my own worst enemy and my worst critic. I feel i have to post this for myself  so that i can understand how i can be in order to make changes for the better.

I set myself unrealistic goals that i am bound to fail. I make myself feel inferior because of my weight and  i cant accept myself for who i am.

Who am i

I am me who puts everyone else before myself. Who does things for others(maybe because i like to rescue) but when i need help no one is there for me. Yet i don't let those around me know how that makes me feel and its festers inside. Well that was before i took my head out of the sand and realised that i need to rescue myself. I started off this year thinking i was going to say no and not feel guilty about it and that i was going have more me time.

2005 was the worst time for me ever, in March my mom died suddenly of a heart attack. I lived with my mom having moved back to care for her after a fall and her health deteriorated so much that my independent and strong mother needed caring for. On the morning my mom had her heart attack I  went to bits when she collapsed and my sister had to try and revive her. Emergency services tried also and at hospital but her heart was too faint to be revived. Everything was so unreal i couldn't accept that she wouldn't be here anymore. Grief goes through stages and i never got the time to mourn for my beloved mother as the day after her funeral my dad, who had been ill for sometime but played down how he was feeling, was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I just felt that i couldn't  take anymore . I couldn't even cry, everything was building up but i was too scared to let it out in case i lost it altogether. My dad